Blessing and Bother

Balancing Acts

2012-01-30T22:46:00.004-05:00

Samuel got RSV a few weeks ago. Despite the mega-expensive Synagis shots and all my caution about exposing his fragile little immune system, he still caught it. All in all, it was a pretty mild strain. It still made for a really long week.

Smiling during a breathing treatment

It started fairly slowly, with a stuffy nose one day, a small cough the next. By the time we were in front of the doctor the third day, he was wheezing and his pulse/ox numbers were back down to pre-surgery levels. They threatened to send us to the hospital to put him on oxygen, but he responded well to a breathing treatment and we were sent home with a nebulizer and a lifetime's supply of Albuterol. Like seriously. Even after round the clock treatments for 7 days, I still have like 2 boxes with 40 vials in each and 5 prescription refills. Disaster planning, Dr. B? I think maybe so.

During those first days of his virus, it was pretty scary. His little chest was so congested and he was so miserable. Some time in the wee hours of Day 4, I was sitting in the living room, holding him upright on my chest so he could try to sleep, listening to him cough and wheeze, and just panicking. I couldn't decide if we should be taking him to the hospital or if he was truly okay to stay at home. I looked at his tiny little face, flushed with sleep and coughing, and I realized I was completely powerless. I couldn't do anything to help him breath. I couldn't give him oxygen, I couldn't breath for him.

I hadn't felt that helpless since his heart surgeries.

Just about the time I'd made up my mind to wake Travis up and tell him I was going to the hospital, Sam's breathing evened out and he slipped into a deeper sleep, cuddled into my neck. The rattling in his chest was still there, but he was comfortable. He slept until his next breathing treatment, 4 hours later, and I finally relaxed enough to put him back down and go to sleep myself.

It never got any worse than that night, and now, two weeks later, you can't even tell he was sick. Proving once and again, that babies are the most resilient creatures ever.

Samuel's health has dictated so much of our lives for the past 6 months. Even now, heart repaired, pacemaker plugging along, and cardiology appointments spacing out, his therapy schedule still takes control of at least two days a week. Soon, we will be adding another bi-weekly therapy. Throw in a couple of sick visits to the pediatrician, plus still catching up on vaccines, and our calenders are literally full of appointments for him.

When our Early Intervention case manager first started talking therapies with us, she was reluctant to add too many at once, cautioning us about how easy it is to get overwhelmed. At the time, I scoffed and thought to myself, "This is my child. I will do whatever it takes to give him what he needs. Bring it on. Load us up."

But now. Well, I understand it. Some weeks, I do feel overwhelmed. When I have to pass on play dates for Luke or have to wait a month to get in to the dentist because my schedule is so limited, it's frustrating. I wanted to go back to work part-time to get a few hours out of the house, but I don't think I can ask my boss to be that flexible right now.We are still plugging away at speech and physical therapy, and yes, we will be adding in a nutritionist to the team in February. Samuel is making really good progress in all areas and I really like these women who come to my house to teach me and Sam new tricks. I don't want to stop, but I don't know how to find the balance yet.

We've seemed to have jumped the hurdle of the heart defect, and now we are smack dab in the middle of learning what it means to have a child with Down Syndrome. I had no idea that an infant with DS = therapy, therapy, therapy! I'm trying so hard to learn more about DS and the new lingo that comes with our new life, but it's a steep learning curve.

Don't get me wrong, I know that Samuel has so many advantages over children who were diagnosed decades ago. I will do every therapy they suggest, buy all the books, pick the brains of the DS families that have gone before me, and try my very best to nurture him during these early years. But it really has taken over my life in so many ways, and I don't know how to make that fair to Luke.

And the pressure of it all to do it right. Gah. It's killing me.

There are numerous blogs out there written by other DS parents. Some are helpful, some are informative, and some are overkill. I've had to delete several from my RSS feed because I simply can't handle the pressure they dish out. I know that all the research out there indicates that the earlier you intervene and actively pursue therapy, the better off the kids are. But my brain just can't cope with all the myriad of ways people take that statement and twist it around. I cannot devote my entire day to researching all the rabbit holes of theory or which top 10 toys will best stimulate him. If playing on the floor with Luke and his old toys isn't enough, then I'm already failing him. And I just can't go there mentally, day after day.

Samuel is a part of our family, but he is not the only member. I want to do everything perfectly for him so badly and I often feel inadequate to that task, but I also want to do right by Luke. And by Travis. And even by myself.

I don't know if that fact that I'm not willing to go down the uber-neurotic, obsessive DS road makes me a bad parent of a special needs kid or if it just makes me sane. I don't know if I'll ever get an answer to that question, but I obviously need to work on being more at peace with the road I have chosen. I know I can't spend my entire day devoted to discovering the latest and greatest, but I also know I can't spend each day beating myself up over it either.

Something has to give.

Mayo Clinic White Chicken Chili

2012-01-24T21:06:00.003-05:00

As part of our benefit package, we have access to the Mayo Clinic's Embody Healthy Portal. We are trying to eat better around here and Travis made this for dinner last night. The website has all sorts of tips and trackers and recipes. This one was a huge hit. Loved the flavor and how fast it all came together.

Enjoy!

Recipe: White chicken chili

Dietitian's tip: To add more variety in flavor, color and texture, add several different beans, including kidney, garbanzo or black beans, or add more chopped vegetables, such as carrots and celery. If you add these vegetables, increase the amount of chicken broth to accommodate the added ingredients.

SERVES 8

Ingredients

1 can (10 ounces) white chunk chicken
3 cups cooked white beans
1 can (14.5 ounces) low-sodium diced tomatoes
4 cups low-sodium chicken broth
1 medium onion, chopped
1/2 medium green pepper, chopped
1 medium red pepper, chopped
2 garlic cloves, minced
2 teaspoons chili powder
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon dried oregano
Cayenne pepper, to taste
6 tablespoons shredded reduced-fat Monterey Jack cheese
3 tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro
6 ounces low-fat baked tortilla chips (about 65 chips)

Directions

In a large soup pot, add the chicken, beans, tomatoes and chicken broth. Cover and simmer over medium heat.

Meanwhile, spray a nonstick frying pan with cooking spray. Add the onions, peppers and garlic and saute until the vegetables are soft, 3 to 5 minutes.

Add the onion and pepper mixture to the soup pot. Stir in the chili powder, cumin, oregano and, as desired, cayenne pepper. Simmer for about 10 minutes, or until all the vegetables are soft.

Ladle into warmed bowls. Sprinkle each serving with 1 tablespoon cheese and 1 teaspoon cilantro. Serve with baked chips on the side (about 6 to 8 chips with each serving of chili).

Nutritional Analysis (per serving)

Serving size: About 1.5 cups
Calories	268	Cholesterol	22 mg
Protein	19 g	Sodium	389 mg
Carbohydrate	41 g	Fiber	7 g
Total fat	4 g	Potassium	647 mg
Saturated fat	1 g	Calcium	155 mg
Monounsaturated fat	1 g

Dear Luke

2012-01-17T22:19:00.001-05:00

Dear Luke,

According to that little widget on the side, you are 2 years, 4 months, and 2 weeks old today. It's actually your baptismal birthday. Happy two years of being a baptized child of God.

Not exactly your typical milestone kind of day, I know. However, today was a very typical day in the life of Luke at 2 years of age. One that we all just barely survived.

That's what it feels like to me so many of the days during this phase in your life. That instead of enjoying every moment, I'm staring at the clock, mentally calculating the hours left until 8 PM and your bedtime. Part of it is your burgeoning (strong)will and part of it is just the chaos of having two young children at home full time. I love you and your brother very much, and I made the decision to stay at home with you all and I don't regret it.

But Good Lord, it's hard work.

Your little brother caught some kind of RSV-like bug last week and has had your dad and I very worried. He's required breathing treatments every 4-6 hours and lots of holding and vigorous back patting. In fact, I don't think he's been flat on his back for longer than a diaper change since last Thursday night. It's been a long week for all of us, but I feel it's been especially hard on you. He's finally on the mend, but your acting out has just continued to escalate.

Today alone, you were in time out no less than 15 times. For everything from chucking a sippy cup at my head to having a meltdown over not being allowed to chase the garbage truck down the middle of the street. (Which, by the way, you did wearing only a t-shirt, big boy underwear, and sneakers.)

When your uncle was a little boy, we lived on the Gulf Coast of Mississippi. In various grocery store parking lots there are located Home of Grace donation boxes. They are there for people to drop off clothes and shoes for people in need. Kind of like mini-Goodwill stores without any staff. They were little huts with just a hinged door on the top for you to drop your donations into. Your uncle shared the same strong will and tendency towards multiple daily time outs as you do. Well, when he was about your age, it became a family joke that my mom would threaten to drop him off at a Home of Grace box when he was acting out.

Today, I was wishing for a Home of Grace box of my own.

In fact, I'm pretty sure I threatened you with one. To which, if I remember correctly, you just laughed and continued to fling the entire contents of your toy box across the room while I was tethered to your brother's nebulizer.

We are in the midst of potty training and it's the most frustrating thing ever. Which yeah, I know, everyone says. If we leave you completely naked from the waist down, you are like 9 out of 10 on making it to the potty in time. However, if we have left any scrap of material on...a diaper, a pull up, underwear...you will completely forget about the potty. And then I do 2 loads of laundry. Every day.

You eat from (and only from) the four major toddler food groups: Applesauce, Chicken Nuggets, Crackers, and Cookies. Oh and salsa. You love salsa. You can pass the vegetables on your plate to the dog faster than I can stop you, but you'll eat salsa with a spoon. Go figure.

And yet. Yet. You are still completely lovable and adorable. While you've mostly just ignored Sam these past 5 months, all of a sudden you are all about being in his face. You like to pat his head and shake his toys for him to grab. When I ask you if you want to hold him, you smile and immediately lay flat on your back. For some reason, you think that's the way you are supposed to hold him. You want him stacked on top of you like he's a Lego. Even if I prop you up on the couch and place him in your arms, you scoot your butt down until you are horizontal again. It's so funny.

You are finally starting to talk more. You get my attention by yelling, "MA!" and you can ask for a ball or for a cookie. Mostly, the "COOKIE!!"

And dancing! Oh my goodness. I love your dancing. Everything from Elmo's theme song to Veggie Tales to the 80's station on Pandora, as soon as you hear it, you stop whatever you are doing and starting breaking it down. Shoulders heaving, toes tapping, twirling in circles...you've got moves kid.

So as you (finally) lay your sweet head down tonight, I try to let go of the bad and embrace the good of these "terrible two's." Here's to hoping we both survive the next 8 months.

Fingers crossed.

I love you, sweet boy of mine.

Momma

Showing Off

2012-01-17T21:14:00.000-05:00

Happy Baby

2012-01-07T00:05:00.000-05:00

Just Because

2012-01-03T15:35:00.001-05:00

The Outtakes...

The Christmas Card That Never Was

2012-01-02T09:57:00.002-05:00

Dear Friends, Family, The Internet, etc.,

This year we resolved that we were finally going to join the ranks of friendly, responsible, caring families who send out Christmas cards with a picture of our lovely family for you to place on your fridge so that you may gaze upon our smiling faces as you go back for seconds of eggnog. We were even thinking about going all out and writing a letter. I mean, it's not like we don't like you, or that we mind sharing. Between this blog and Travis' column, it's pretty obvious that we are open about how life's been treating us.

But as is evidenced by that blank space on your fridge...Erm. Well. We never actually got around to sending the card, writing the letter, or even taking a picture. Personally, I'm going to blame it on the picture. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a family photo with a two year old as part of your family? Well, yes, you probably do. That's why you are smart and start trying for one way back in July, back when you still have a 5 month cushion to get one in.

However, as most of you know, our lives took a pretty drastic turn back in July and now, 6 months later, we are just getting our feet back under us. When I looked through our photo files back in early December, I was dismayed to find a stunning lack of group photos. Plenty of shots of Luke doing crazy things or pitiful pictures of little Sam all hooked up to monitors, but not a single photo that included all of us that I was happy with.

Part of my family came to NC to spend Christmas with us, so I was determined that with extra hands around, we would finally come away with our coveted family photo. As our time together came to a close, I looked through our memory card and realized we still were lacking a fridge-worthy photo. So, I bundled everyone up and herded them out to the dock of the rental house we were staying at, and finally got it. As you can see from below, Luke isn't looking anywhere near the camera, but considering what the outtakes look like from this photo shoot, this is a pretty fabulous shot. Many thanks to my brother for capturing it for us.

So, even though this photo was technically taken after Christmas and photo cards are no longer on sale, thank God for the internet and it's ability to give you excuses to do everything digitally. Without further ado (sorry for all the ado-ing it took to get to this point), our Christmas card for 2011!

2011 was a year for surprises and change.

Between Samuel's birth, his surprising diagnosis, and our world getting turned upside down as we faced a month in the ICU getting his heart fixed and a pacemaker installed, his entrance into our lives has created a huge splash. But, can I just tell you something about my Samuel? Despite (or maybe because of) everything he's been through in his short life, he's the sweetest baby I've ever known. I can't wait to watch this little guy grow up and love on him every step of the way. He's been doing so much better. Between physical therapy and feeding therapy, we've seen him make big changes in the last few months. And we are finally getting to the point where at the end of a doctor's appointment they say, "Alright, see you in a year." YES!

Luke has been changing rapidly in every aspect. When I looked back at photos from last January, I couldn't get over the physical changes. He went from a pudgy toddler rolling around in the snow to this stretched out little boy who goes careening around my back yard yelling at the top of his lungs...for no apparent reason other than just because he can. He's still not talking very much, but his physicality is amazing (and FRUSTRATING). He needs a toddler treadmill to help burn off some his excess energy every day, cause Lord knows, I'm not capable of helping him do it on my own. He can be quite the terror these days, but I love his strong little personality and watching him learn new things.

Travis has undergone huge changes at work this year. They've had almost a complete turn over in their staff this year and he is now the interim senior pastor with a new music director and one veteran secretary holding strong. The congregation will vote in the coming months about making this a permanent position for him. While I struggled at first with him taking on extra responsibilities during these hard years of raising young children, there is no denying the joy that is evident in my husband these days. He is excited about going to work each day, and is full of new ideas and passion for these people and for God's plan for them. We'll continue to work on setting boundaries between work and home, but I'm not as stressed about it as I was before. It's worth going through all of it if at the end the day, the man who comes home is happy and fulfilled by his work.

For me, the past year was full of changes. As the year went along and Samuel was born, my world got smaller and smaller. For the first 2 months of his life, I rarely left the house except for trips to the grocery store or Target. Then it was back and forth between the hospital and home. Now that we are on the other side of the pacemaker, my world is starting to open up again. We venture out to church most Sundays and I'm excited to get back into leading my confirmation group and handbells again. I am able to get to the gym a couple of times a week now and I'm not looking quite so postpartum anymore. I'm excited about getting back to work for at least a few hours a week just to have some adult interaction in my life. I feel like now that Samuel is getting settled down, I can finally start to pick up the rest of my life again. It feels good.

I'm not sure what 2012 will bring for us, but after having survived 2011, I feel like we can probably handle whatever it dishes out. Bring it on, 2012. The Nortons are ready.

Capturing the Smiles

2011-12-14T22:05:00.001-05:00

Time Lapse

2011-12-12T16:08:00.001-05:00

10AM: I sent Luke out to play this morning in a jacket, a hat, and shoes since it was hovering in the low 40's still.

10:05AM: He ditched the jacket on the porch.

10:10AM: He ditched the pants and the hat, but put his shoes back on.

10:11AM: I brought him back in to get dressed again before the neighbors called DSS.

10:15AM: Sent back outside. Fully clothed.

10:20AM: Caught in the act.

10:21AM: I gave up.

10:30AM: He came back inside, filthy and scraped up, popsicle toes, and beyond happy. I'm not totally sure I'm ready to raise TWO boys.

Sam the Man

2011-12-09T14:56:00.001-05:00

We are half way through Advent, and it feels like I just came up for air for the first time in weeks. I absolutely love this time of year. The Christmas music, the lighted houses up and down my block, the extra busyness at church, all the Christmas programs and carols and adorable children who are begrudgingly wearing itchy shephard costumes...I love it all. However, every year it seems to get more and more exhausting. It wasn't so bad when it was just Travis and I, but now with the boys, Advent loses a little bit of it's luster. I'm sure it will get easier again, when I'm not having to chase a toddler away from the Chrismon tree while juggling his baby brother on my shoulder.

Last weekend alone, we had multiple things going on every day, and we still had to make our excuses to two parties that we were just too wiped out to make it to. This weekend is marginally better, but still includes a Live Nativity and two separate work parties, not to mention a Sermon Saturday. (Not to mention that they are ALL Sermon Saturdays now. But that's for a separate post.)

Our weekdays have gotten busier also as we have started on therapies with Samuel. We have Speech (feeding) Therapy on Wednesdays and Physical Therapy on Thursdays. He is continuing to recover very well from his surgeries and is making progress with both therapies. We started physical therapy with him the week before Thanksgiving, and speech just last week. When Luke was this age, I remember being obsessed with those little milestone charts. I was anxious to see him master each new trick. During the first year of life, so many of those milestone are physical ones: supporting their head, sitting up, rolling over, pulling up, etc. Luke, while not advanced in verbal areas, was always way ahead of the game in the physical aspect. So, it was easy to tick through those charts and feel smug. The reality of it is that Luke has been strong and independent from the get go, and those charts are basically worthless.

However, seeing Samuel make such slow progress and fall further and further behind has been sobering. He's just now getting back to where he was prior to his heart surgeries. Which means he is at least two months behind. I know that even if he hadn't been a "heart baby," his progress would have been much slower than average. I'd already schooled myself to ignore the milestone charts, and instead focus on helping him be as strong as he could be. He has one more week of sternotomy precautions and then he will be free of any limitations. Not that he will be able to start doing baby push ups or anything...but if he were so inclined, he would be allowed to. Since the 6 week clock had to be started over again when he had the pacemaker surgery, he hasn't been allowed to spend much time on his tummy since October. Because of the restrictions and his time stuck in a hospital crib, he's developed a flat spot on one side of his head. We are just watching it for now and working on ways to help correct it. So far, no one has said he needs a helmet, but we might end up there in the future.

Physical therapy with an infant has been interesting to watch and learn. We have a great therapist who comes by the house once a week to spend an hour with him; stretching, rolling, and help him use muscles he wouldn't do on his own. We've been very encouraged to see him move his legs and arms a lot. In fact, his legs are kind of crazy. While his upper abdominals have been weakened significantly because of the incision, his lower abdominals are insanely strong for a baby who is supposed to struggle with low tone. He kicks like he is a ninja on steroids and he loves to stick his legs up in the air at a 90 degree angle and just leave them there while he examines his toes. His arms and chest are beginning to wake back up again and he discovered his hands this past week. He does his closed fist, power-to-the-people arm raise all the time now. It's nice to be able to report progress at every session with the therapist, especially because this was one area I was most concerned about when I was learning what it meant to have a baby with Down Syndrome.

He is still struggling with his strength in his core and neck, but again is looking much better than he did when we first started. I start feeling like he is a champ and catching up, and then I look at pictures of Luke at the same age, and I see him holding his head up and supporting himself on his legs, and reality sets back in. It doesn't take anything away from the progress Samuel has made, but it does keep me from forgetting that we are just making baby steps down a very long road.

He's still amazing in what he's been able to overcome and conquer in his short life. We will head to the cardiologist next week and get a report on his pacemaker. We've finally got our equipment set up to be able to monitor his pacemaker. Well, actually, we can't monitor it ourselves, but the equipment will check it and send a report to the doctor. Travis and I are both anxious to learn just how often he is having to use it. There is still that lingering hope that he doesn't need it anymore and that it will eventually be removed. As much as I've come to terms with what this pacemaker means for Samuel, I would love to miss out on a lifetime of monitoring and battery replacements and worrying. However, it has been lovely to be home and to see him happy and kicking and smiling, so if that's what I have to take in trade, then I'm ok with whatever the doctor tells us.

Alter Ego

2011-12-02T15:42:00.000-05:00

This past week, it has become abundantly clear that we are now housing a two year old. Like a really TWO 2-year old. And all the cliches and glories that come with it.

Luke has always been a pretty good tempered kid/baby. He is easy to laugh and loves nothing more than a good chase around the house. He's the first at the door to tell the UPS man, "HI!!!!" and grabs the hand of the kid who is hesitant to come into the nursery at church to pull him in the door. He runs to watch the school bus and the garbage trucks come by the house. He oohs and ahhs over airplanes and stars in the sky, and just about lost his mind over seeing the Christmas lights pop up around the neighborhood.

And he's still that same kid...but now with his brand new bonus alter ego: Mr. Whiny McAngryson.

He flips out when I take away the pacifier he's stolen from his brother. He throws the computer out the door when I tell him he can't go outside (True story. Thank God for insurance plans). He lays flat out on the sidewalk when I dare to go left when he wants to go right. Whenever I tell him he can't have something, he takes said object and chucks it as far as he can. He won't tell you he is hungry or thirsty, he just grabs at your arm and whines for minutes on end until you get up so he can drag you to the kitchen where he says, "COOKIE" over and over until he melts down when you say, "No, it's 9AM, you can't have a cookie."

He tests boundaries and pushes my buttons like never before. At first, I wrote it off as semantics. He still doesn't talk very well, so when he got the nuances wrong, I thought it was accidental. I ask him to sit at the table for lunch, and he sits ON the table to eat. I ask him to hand me his shoes, and he will put them on the opposite side of the room. But along with doing these things, he now looks me in the eyes, gets a sly little smile on his face, and does the exact opposite of whatever I ask him to do.

It's maddening.

By the time Travis gets home in the evening, I feel like Luke and I need a referee. My nerves are so shot from dealing with it all day, that I blow minor infractions out of proportion. Last night, as I was dealing with Luke, I heard Travis talking to Samuel who he was holding in the living room, and saying, "Mommy is exasperated."

And that's it exactly. After two or three hours of his non-stop alter ego showing up, I am exasperated. I literally want to put him in the backyard and lock the door so he can't get back in until I am ready to deal with him again. (Don't worry...I'd give him a jacket first and I'd probably check to make sure the gate was locked.)

(Probably.)

To top it off, he is hit or miss on taking an afternoon nap now. If he doesn't take a nap, by 5 o'clock, he just doesn't have the emotional stamina to even have remotely rational responses to anything. Spaghetti for dinner? Melt down. Take a bath? Epic meltdown that includes him valiantly trying to keep you from taking his clothes off (Which okay...it's kind of funny to see him lose his shit just because you dare to take his arm out of his shirt. But whatever, I'm only human.).

As with all stages, I know this will pass. But please, don't tell me how much worse 3 year olds are. I've already heard the rumors. I hope that by then I will not be pumping anymore, so at least I can have a drink at the end of the night.

Smiles

2011-11-19T12:21:00.002-05:00

There's nothing that makes me happier than seeing these two smiling faces each morning.

An Update

2011-11-13T22:20:00.000-05:00

I thought it was going to be so nice to slip back into our normal (non-hospital) routine this week. Just like pulling on your favorite pair of jeans that have that tear on the back pocket and fit in all the right places.

Instead, it was like trying on your jeans from high school 2 weeks after giving birth. You know you used to fit in them, but nothing is where it is supposed to be and you aren't quite sure how you'll ever be able to breath again.

It was kind of a rough week.

BUT! Thankfully, none of it was a medical emergency or involved staring at monitors. After a quiet Friday and Saturday, I thought I was ready to face our week of Travis going back to work full time and me taking on the kids full time. However, by Tuesday afternoon, I wanted to throw in the towel and rent the house down the street for the Grandmothers to move in to.

In all the chaos of our month in the hospital, I'd forgotten just how hard it is to care for 2 kids this young at the same time. Samuel is doing very well, but he is still fragile and on certain restrictions because of his sternotomy. For the first 3 or 4 days at home, he was still needing some pain medication to help keep him comfortable. Mostly, it was just Tylenol. He's continued to have some trouble with his stomach and that was probably part of his problem. It was hard to know which was bothering him. So, in order to cover my bases, he got Tylenol and a little glycerin. After filling up a few diapers, he seemed much happier.

You can tell that he is still sore, and will cry after he coughs or sneezes. As the week progressed, it has lessened. Now, he just sort of grimaces after something like that. He hasn't had any pain medication for a while and seems to be healing well. He's still not super comfortable with being on his stomach or on your shoulder, so it can be awkward to carry him around. But just today, he took a nap on my shoulder in church and seemed pretty content, so maybe we are going to turn that corner this week!

Luke has been excited to have his little world back to normal. He is definitely TWO now and spends each day alternately delighting me with his wonder and clever antics, and frustrating me to no end with his stubbornness and trouble making. He's reaching all these milestones of things like learning how to put on his shoes and spit after brushing his teeth. But, he's also figured out a way to rig the furniture so that he can catapult himself into Sam's crib, regardless of whether Sam is in there or not. He doesn't seem to understand the concept that we all just went through a nightmare to make sure his little brother gets to a chance to be healthy and whole, and that we would prefer if he didn't succumb to Death By Toddler.

We have survived, though, so I shouldn't complain too much. Samuel is doing better, Luke will eventually learn, and I am going to bed.

Coming next week: The endless parade of doctor's appointments resumes! Geneticist, Pediatrician, and Surgeon, Oh My!

Day 24: The LAST Day

2011-11-04T21:50:00.000-04:00

When I brought Luke to the hospital this morning to trade off with Travis, it was obvious that our frustration levels were beginning to get out of control. It seemed like we were going to be stuck in the hospital, not because Samuel needed to be there, but because he was too wiggly to get an accurate reading of his oxygen. The monitor is attached to his little toes/fingers or feet/hand and when he's feeling good and waving around, it is nearly impossible to get a good reading. The numbers go all over the place or it just gives up trying and beeps until he slows down again. It has been a pain to deal with the entire time we've been in the hospital, but was truly annoying now that it was the only thing keeping us there.

Abour 15 minutes after we tagged out and Travis left with Luke, the nurse came in and told me the glorious news that they were discharging us. Since I'd been out of the loop for the morning, I didn't realize just how close they were to making the decision and had already settled in for the day.

The nurse then turned off that blasted monitor, peeled off his leads, and let me hold my baby, completely untethered for the first time in what felt like forever. We could move around the room. We could sit on the couch to feed. We could walk down the hall. It was awesome.

It, of course, took forever to get the paperwork finished and to meet with the doctors one last time. I knew we wouldn't be let go immediately, but those two hours seemed to be an eternity.

FINALLY, around 2 o'clock, I pulled away from the hospital with a baby in the back seat. I kept feeling like I was doing something scandalous. Like any minute, they would come running out and take him away from me again.

Luckily, no one called me back and we made it home safe and sound. Samuel is amazing and is acting like a completely normal baby. He's been happy and smiley and hungry today. He gets a little fussy about 30 minutes before his next dose of Tylenol, but I don't blame him. The kid has had two surgeries in less than 3 weeks and he has handled it all so well. I would have been complaining and whining and popping narcotics as fast as they would give them to me. But Sam...he just needs a little Tylenol and he's just fine.

Amazing.

I've been kind of giddy all evening. Luke has been so excited to have both of his parents here at the same time. He sat at the dinner table with us tonight and kept looking back and forth between the two of us and grinning. He's not a very verbal kid, but it was evident in his delight and demeanor that he was glad his world was back to normal.
Me too, kid. Me too.

Day 24

2011-11-04T10:49:00.002-04:00

For all you non-Facebook people:
WE ARE GOING HOME TODAY!!

!!!!!!!!!!

Day 23

2011-11-03T21:41:00.000-04:00

Still in the hospital.

Better.

But still here.

All we need at this point is for Samuel's oxygen saturation levels to stabilize when he's off the oxygen. He's doing better, but wasn't consistent enough for discharge. By this afternoon, he was pretty good in the 88-92 range. They would prefer mid to upper 90's. It will come. We struggled with this some after the last surgery. It seems to be taking a little longer this time, though.

Bizarrely enough, this surgery is apparently more painful to recover from. The extra incision is right at the top of his belly, so with every breath, it moves. His pain levels are improving and he is much more comfortable, so he's taking deeper breaths and is moving around more. When I came in this morning, Travis had him on his shoulder doing some "vigorous" patting, trying to help loosen up his lungs. I continued to get him out of bed during the day and help him sit up more. It really seemed to help his breathing. I'm glad he feels better and is acting more normal again.

Travis spent the night last night and handled the constant interruptions better. I stayed at the hospital for about 10 hours today, and Travis is back for another night. Now that our Grandma Day Care has closed up shop, we are on 12 hours shifts, switching between the two boys. I really hope he will be totally weaned off the oxygen overnight and we will be heading home tomorrow.

I am beyond ready to bring this cute kid home.

Day 22

2011-11-02T18:49:00.000-04:00

I returned to the hospital about 10:30 Tuesday night to send Travis home to get some sleep. Now that we are on the 8th floor, he has a private room...which means a nurse sticks her head in every few hours. No one to monitor Sam all the time. So, I grabbed a pillow and a blanket and settled in for a long night in his room. Having just spent 5 nights in the hospital when I was recovering from the C-section, I knew I would get very little sleep. Despite the fact that Samuel was asleep most of the time, people were in a out at least every 2 hours. Add to the fact that his monitor alarm would beep every time his oxygen saturation would slip even a number or two, and I was begging Travis to come back by 7 this morning. Luckily, he was awake before my SOS text arrived and he was at the hospital shortly after.

Samuel had an okay night. He has needed to remain on oxygen this whole time. For a while last night, he kept pulling his nasal tube out, so we switched to the blow-by oxygen. However, the flow was hard to keep by his face since he wiggles so much. This kept the monitor alarm beeping all night long. Luckily, I've been around this block before, so I had no qualms pushing that silence button all by myself. (I'm sure I'm becoming one of those moms that nurses hate.)They put the nasal tube back in this morning, and he's handling it better now.

The best guess from the doctors is that the pouch where Samuel's pacemaker was insterted is sore and it's causing him to not want to breath deeply. Just a little bit of oxygen makes his numbers stable, so it doesn't seem to be indicative of a big problem. They are hoping his discomfort will settle and he will be able to breath better soon. Actually, by late this afternoon, he was already doing better. They turned him down to just an 1/8th of a liter and he's handled it well. We can't go home without stable oxygen saturation levels, so this is kind of an important step. They will turn it off tonight and see how he handles it.

He has finally been able to get rid of some of the air in his tummy. Just in the 8 hours I was gone from the hospital today, he was markedly different. You can now see the outline of his pacemaker on his belly, whereas before it was all so distended that he looked like he was 9 month pregnant, popped out belly button and all! This seems to have made the biggest difference in helping him feel more like himself. He is content when he is awake and has started to eat better and more frequently. Again...all things that point towards us heading home. Go Sam! Way to fart, baby!

(Just an aside for my Gtown girls...who knew I'd ever spend so much time talking about bodily functions?!?)

They switched him over to a pain medication that we can take home with us. He seems to be more comfortable than he was the last 24 hours, so it makes me feel like it's under control now.

All in all, I am feeling much more confident about his progress since I returned this afternoon. We may need to be here a little longer, just so we can make sure he is all good. He better hurry up, though...We put Grandma back on a plane tomorrow.

Travis is going to be doing the overnight shift tonight, so hopefully the nurses will coordinate their tasks a little bit better and not interrupt them so much. It's going to be killer to get this poor kid back on any kind of schedule once we get home. But! What a problem to be worrying about after the last few weeks. This I can handle.

Day 21

2011-11-02T17:21:00.000-04:00

When I arrived for rounds on Tuesday morning, I was just catching the doctors as they were leaving the room. I'd been stuck in traffic and missed most of what they said, but I got the highlights from the charge nurse and then got filled in by our regular nurse later. Basically, they were really pleased with the progress he'd made over night and were feeling comfortable enough to send him up to the Progressive floor. They removed the rest of his IVs and had to start another one in his scalp (poor kid looks like a unicorn, but it doesn't seem to bother him at all). He is continuing to need oxygen support, but only a small amount through his nasal tube. His pain was fairly well under control and could monitored on the Progressive floor. His little tummy was huge and full of air, and you could tell it was making him vastly uncomfortable. Overnight they tried to suction out some of it without much success. They gave him a suppository in hopes that it would alleviate some of the pressure. It's not a huge deal medically, but it has been making him fussy.

We spent our last few hours in the ICU packing up and waiting for a new crib. He accumulated a lot of stuff over the last 3 weeks!

Around noon, we were taken upstairs to the new room. It's much bigger than our ICU room, with an in suite bathroom and a couch that converts into a bed-like bench. The nurse came to get him all settled in, took his vitals, hooked him up to the new monitors, and then...well, she shut the door and walked away. It has been 3 weeks since I've been in a room alone with my baby, without someone else peering in. It was exhilarating and frightening all at the same time.

Because the level of care that he needs from the medical staff is drastically lessened now, the level of care that we have to provide as parents is drastically increased. No more going home to get 6 or 7 hours of sleep before heading back down here. We are on the clock 24/7 now. It has been a pretty abrupt reminder of what life is like with a 3 month old. However, at least once we get him home, no one will knocking on the door wanting to mess with my baby every hour or so despite the fact that he is peacefully sleeping.

After Samuel had been settled into the new room for a while, we let big brother Luke come down for his first visit. He wasn't able to see Sam while he was in the ICU, so it had been almost 3 weeks since he'd seen him. I wasn't sure what Luke's reaction would be, but I couldn't have imagined anything better than what it was. He charged into the room, excited at first at seeing me. When I picked him up and showed him it was Samuel in the bed, he gasped! He tried to dive head first into bed with him and almost made it. Travis came to hold him because I just wasn't strong enough to restrain our little wrestler. With his dad holding him, he leaned down and grabbed Sam's pacifier. I just knew he was going to try to put it in his own mouth, but much to my surprise, he leaned over and popped it right into Samuel's mouth like he'd been doing it all along (Samuel hadn't been able to use a pacifier prior to the surgery).

I don't think I have the words to express how wonderful it was to have my little family all together again...even if we were still in a hospital room. It was a good moment.

Samuel wasn't very comfortable for most of the afternoon/evening. He's been sleeping a lot, but not happy when he is awake. We are still figuring out what regime of pain medication he needs, so it takes a little bit to get him settled again. He has not been eating well since yesterday...only an ounce or two, here and there. His little tummy looks painful, being so full of air. I wouldn't be hungry either if I had all that going on.

I think the doctors hoped he would be able to go home on Wednesday, but it's not looking likely. He just isn't comfortable enough, yet. I can't wait to have him home...but I want to make sure he's really ready for that big step. Soon. Very soon, I hope.

Moving Day!

2011-11-01T11:27:00.001-04:00

Samuel is doing so well that we are moving up to the Progressive floor!

Day 20 Updated

2011-10-31T21:30:00.062-04:00

(Sorry about the lack of paragraph breaks and sideways pictures...blogger doesn't like my iPad, so it keeps screwing it up. I'll fix it soon!)
Monday morning, Travis and I dragged ourselves out of bed at 5AM so that we could be at the hospital with Sam before he was wheeled away for surgery. When we arrived, he was sleeping, but you could tell he'd been upset recently. He doesn't like having to fast those last few hours before surgery! I can't blame him.

We spent some time with him while they prepped his little crib for moving and then we followed him down to the 5th floor where the operating rooms are located. He woke up while we were talking to the anaethesiology team, but he didn't cry or stay too fussy. It's like he knows I need to see him not in distress before he has to be taken away. Again, the team taking care of him did an excellent job reassuring us and promising to take good care of him.

After they took him to get started, Travis and I headed to the waiting room. Even though we had access to our things in the ICU, we decided to stay in the lounge and stretch out on their sofas. Since we were more familiar with how the day would precede, we were able to relax a lot more than we had during the previous surgery. We watched the Today Show and played Monopoly on the iPad. The hours seemed to fly by and before we could even get too antsy, they were telling us that the surgery was completed and that we would be allowed back upstairs soon.As we stood in the elevator lobby, Travis commented about how it had felt like we'd just been on a date. In fact, those 4 hours sitting in the waiting room were the longest amount of time we'd spent together (while conscious, at least) since this whole ordeal began. Silver linings.

It was hard to see Samuel intubated again, but it was so nice to not see his external pacing wires and pacemaker box lying in his bed. His screen was back to monitoring a zillion different things, but this time, I knew what each number represented. Travis and I left for lunch for about an hour and took advantage of the time he was still intubated. By the time we returned, he was waking up and they were getting ready to remove his tube. I absolutely hate watching that whole process, but he handled it like a pro.

This recovery is radically different from his AVSD repair. We lost the breathing tube within hours of being in the room, instead of days. He got rid of his catheter, his big oxygen monitor sticker, his central line, and one of his IVs shortly thereafter. He was able to eat that afternoon, and was only on the high flow oxygen for a little while. It almost started to make me nervous since the pace was so much quicker, but I just had to keep reminding myself that he didn't need all that stuff anymore. He was getting better. His incision site looks good, and his little chest is free of all the extra wires that were in place for the temporary pacemaker. It's nice to see. You can barely tell that he has anything extra in him, but his tummy is a little harder on one side than the other and you can feel the outline of the pacemaker with your fingers. As he gets older and bigger, it will be even less noticeable. His pacemaker could last anywhere from 7-9 years, but it all depends on how much he has to use it.

They are working on managing his pain levels and continuing to give him some medications through IV. He has a few monitoring IVs in that will probably be coming out overnight. If he handles everything through the night, we may be leaving the CV ICU unit tomorrow, or they may keep us in here until he is discharged. Either way...we are many steps closer to ending this hospital stay. I can't wait.

I switched off with Travis during the late afternoon so that I could take Luke trick-or-treating. He was confused at first about how the whole thing worked. He would have much preferred to stop and eat each piece as it was given to him instead of waiting until after he collected it all. But he finally got the hang of it and we had a good time. He hadn't had much candy prior to this, but he is definitely a fan. You could see the chocolate craze enter his eyes after his first Hersey bar. He was not at all interested in sharing the chocolate with me or Grandma, but he was pretty generous with the Skittles. He, of course, wanted to eat the whole lot before bed, but didn't fight me too hard when I cut him off. However, I doubt this will last. He is such a Houdini that we may have to put his stash under lock and key.

Day 19

2011-10-30T22:21:00.000-04:00

Day 19

Still waiting...

Samuel has had a pretty good day. The change in his formula and turning his temporary pacemaker back on has really seemed to make a difference in his temperamant. He's back to being our smiley baby again. He has wrapped quite a few nurses around his little fingers and he's got quite the set up now. They brought in a mobile to hang over his bed and he is in love. He'll get so engrossed in it that his pacifier will just drop right out of his mouth and he'll keep his mouth open like it's still in there. (I already found a replacement on Amazon so that he won't miss the hospital one. Whatever it takes, man. This baby cannot be spoiled enough at this point.)

We are heading back into the OR at 6 tomorrow morning. If all goes according to plan, this surgery should be over before most of you have been properly caffeinated, so I won't be posting hourly updates. I'll make sure to hit the highlights though. We'll be getting a crash course in pacemakers tomorrow from the representative after the surgery, so we'll learn all about our little Energizer bunny baby. I'm curious as to how they pace him long term and what the settings will be like.

Don't you feel like we have enough on our plate to research and become mini-experts on? I sure do. I am beginning to think I need to start delegating areas to different people. I'm not sure any one brain can take on all the different facets of pediatric cardiology, plus keep up to date with the Down Syndrome research world. Any volunteers to become the pacemaker specialist in our lives? We'll get you a pager and an official name badge.

This afternoon, while Samuel took a nap, I escaped from the hospital a few hours earlier than normal so that I could attend part of the Oktoberfest at our church. They turned our annual event into a fundraiser for Samuel. It was overwhelming to see our church family love us in such a tangible way. Beyond the Sunday we baptized Samuel, I have been out of church since the week he was born. I have missed being in that place and being with those people. It is just another thing I am looking forward to doing when our life calms back down. (Although, I know from my friends who are also pastor's wives, that it will be many years before sitting in church with my boys will be an enjoyable, worshipful experience!)

So many people today, and in the comments and emails I have received these past weeks, have commented on how well we are handling this. They keep saying how they have no idea how they could do what we are doing...that they wouldn't be able to handle it. That we are inspiring.

But you know what? If it were your kid laying in that sad little hospital crib instead of mine, I would be wondering the same thing. I didn't know it was possible to go through something like this and be able to keep going day after day. I didn't know it was possible to spend 8 hours at your son's bedside, changing diapers and avoiding wires and staring at monitors...and then drive home to play with your toddler and help fill up his little love tank. Add to the mix only seeing your spouse as you tag in and out of the hospital, and it seems impossible that we are going on Day 20 and we are still standing.

But we are. We are standing. And we are getting things done. We are remembering to eat and shower and take the trash cans out on Tuesdays.

But it has nothing to do with us being special. Or strong. Or brave.

We've had amazing support from both our mothers, who have done all the heavy lifting of keeping our household up and running these past 3 weeks. We've had countless people surrounding us in prayer, day and night, all over this country and the world. We've had a church family that has fed us and sustained us, that has understood Travis' need to be away, and that has raised money to help cover the unexpected financial burden we were facing.

And, most importantly, we have a God who loves us. A God who is holding us up when it just doesn't seem possible to keep this schedule anymore. A God who watches over our baby, and the myriad of people who have been charged with his care these past weeks. A God who has been holding our hands in that hospital room every time the monitor has done something scary. A God whose heart I imagine hurts just as much, if not more than my own, at seeing his little child go through so much. A God who knows what each day will hold for us, and a God who continues to be faithful, even when we are not.

That is how we are surviving. It has nothing to do with us at all.

Day 17 & 18

2011-10-29T13:07:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, Samuel remained in the 2 to1 heart block for most of the day. He had like a 30 minute period when he went into sinus during the afternoon, but it didn't last, nor did it change the decision the doctors have finally come to: Samuel needs a pacemaker.

After waiting it out for over 2 weeks, they've come to the conclusion that his heart isn't going to resolve this issue quickly, if ever. So, bright and early Monday, Samuel will go back into the operating room for the 2nd time this month for the pacemaker surgery. It may end up being a back up pacemaker or one that he doesn't need permanently, but it's hard to say anything definitively at this point. We know his heart is capable of a good sinus rhythm, but for whatever reason, it's just not reliable enough to get us out of the hospital in a predictable amount of time.

It was hard for me to hear that he's back on the surgery schedule. In so many ways, it feels like a giant step back. He was recovering well from his first surgery. His scar is almost totally healed and looks so good. I hate that they have to go open it back up. He was even able to begin physical therapy yesterday, which made me feel like we were finally getting back on track with things. (BTW, the physical therapist said that the low tone that all babies with DS have isn't very severe in his arms and legs, which was encouraging to hear. We will, of course, have to work on his trunk and head. But it was nice to get some good news for our future.) I don't feel like he is so fragile anymore. So, the idea of seeing him intubated and out of his crib again just makes my heart hurt.

I have to keep reminding myself that he is not going back for the same surgery. This is a different one. It's not nearly invasive. They won't have to crack his sternum again. He won't have to be on bypass. It will only take 2 hours, not 5. He will have to be intubated again, and they will reopen his incision site, plus make another small one at the top of his abdomen. But he won't be intubated for days, and he should only be in the ICU for 24hrs or so afterwards. It won't be as bad. I just have to keep saying that. It won't be as bad.

Other than getting the news about the pacemaker, yesterday and today have just been normal days. Well, our ICU "normal." He has been having trouble with his tummy hurting and being gassy. I think it's because he is getting so much more formula than he did at home. He just seems really uncomfortable a lot of the time and wants to be held and patted for hours. We tried switching the formula yesterday, so we'll see if that helps. It will be nice to get back home and get back to working on nursing again. Then maybe I can catch up with him and he won't need the formula as much. They also turned his pacemaker back on to see if that would help with his irritability, but it hasn't seemed to make much difference. For once, the problem is just a typical baby problem and not cardiac related.

We will be hanging out in the CV ICU until Monday morning. Then maybe...we'll get to come home soon. I'm sad my boys won't get to trick or treat together in their cute costumes. We'll just have to stage a picture once we get home. It can be our new tradition: Wearing Halloween costumes to eat Thanksgiving dinner. But now that we are getting this pacemaker, I hope it means they will have plenty of years to make up for it.

Day 16

2011-10-27T22:06:00.001-04:00

Well....nothing exciting today. Samuel has been in 1st degree heart block since yesterday afternoon. This is what it is called when his heart rate drops to those low numbers, but he is still fine otherwise. It's different from the complete (stage 3) heart block he was in for the first week post op. It's better...but still not our ticket out of the hospital. He's managed to tolerate this slow rhythm for a variety of reasons. In fact, some children are born with this kind of block and it only gets monitored periodically. However, since this was not the initial situation for Samuel and came about as a result of the surgery, it indicates some kind of injury was done to his electrical system during the operation. This many days post-op, it's not likely to be a swelling issue anymore.

During rounds this morning, the doctors started talking about a pacemaker again. The cardiologist and the attending doctor were leaning towards putting it in now. They wanted to discuss it with the other cardiologist and the surgeons, so they said they'd come back this afternoon. Shortly before Travis and I switched off, the attending came in to talk about it. He said the surgeons would like to wait and see a little longer. They were encouraged by the 24 hour periods we'd had with a sinus rhythm and felt it couldn't hurt to see if Samuel was in that small percentage of kids who regained total function in the 14+ day range post-op. The other doctors were still in favor of going ahead and giving him a pacemaker, even if it ends up being just a backup for him.

This decision is such a hard one to make for them. I can follow along with the logic behind them both. However, emotionally, it is so draining to feel like we are caught in this tug-of-war between them. I 100% don't want this pacemaker surgery. But. I also would like to bring my baby home, soon and safely.

Maybe what's more draining is dealing with my own internal tug-o-war over this decision I ultimately won't have much influence on. I want them to do what is best for Samuel. We may be putting in a pacemaker at the beginning of next week. We may not. We may be stuck in the ICU for weeks. We may not.

We are hoping for some more clarity tomorrow. Pray for patience and wisdom as we all struggle with making this decision.

Day 15

2011-10-26T22:14:00.001-04:00

Day 15

Well, it has been another mixed bag of successes for Sam today. We've been hanging out at Levine Children's Hospital for two weeks now. We began the day by celebrating another full 24 hours of not being paced and being in a healthy sinus rhythm. Travis took the morning shift and got to hear rounds. They told us again the timeline for Sam if he maintained a good pulse. 48 hrs without being paced and the wires could come out, then 24 more hours of observation and then going home. We would even be able to skip going to the progressive floor and could be discharged from the ICU.

When Travis reported all this back to me, I just couldn't get excited. Not yet. I kept thinking...tell me all this again tomorrow morning and I will get excited with you. For today, I am remaining a hardcore skeptic.

I don't know if I am short changing Samuel by not getting excited and not allowing myself to hope that the end is in sight. I hope I don't give off that vibe to him in some crazy mojo-esque kind of way. I don't really believe in that kind of thing. I am just doing what I have to do to remain sane at this point. So, for me, sanity looks like me shrugging my shoulders at just 24 hours of good rhythm.

I came to tag out with Travis around 2 o'clock...and here's where I begin to doubt my whole vibe/mojo theory. Not 10 minutes after I arrived, Samuel's heart rate began to jump around and then eventually settled into the same slow rhythm we saw yesterday morning. As of 10 o'clock tonight, it has remained in this crazy slow beat. He's gotten into a deep sleep and even dropped down to 59. That makes me so nervous, but for whatever reason, he is able to tolerate it. At least, for now. They are checking his vitals and blood work every so often to make sure he is still circulating adequately, and so far, his vitals look exactly the same as they do when his heart rate is twice what it is right now. (Still don't understand this...)

I know that we have to make it through this kind of episode if we have any hope of making it out of here without a pacemaker, but man, it sure does a number on MY blood pressure.

My brain knows that nothing I do or don't do has any effect on what Sam's electrical system chooses to do on any given day. But...I promise to pull out my pom-poms and shout it from the roof tps the next time we make it a full 24 hours.

I promise.

Day 14

2011-10-25T15:17:00.001-04:00

Day 14

So after crying all the way home last night, I was dreading returning to the hospital this morning. Travis called the night nurse when he got up and learned that Samuel had been paced throughout the night. This was disappointing, to say the least, and I had to drag myself away from my happy toddler to return to this room I am beginning to loathe.

When I walked into Sam's room, his heart rate was in the mid 60s and his pacemaker was unhooked again. Since I'd seen the team down in room 3, I assumed that they unhooked him before rounds and wanted to see what he would look like by the time they made it to our room. And I was right. He stuck around in the 60s the whole time they were in giving report, but they want him to ride this out. Even with his heart rate half of what it should be, he's still tolerating it very well. Good blood pressure and saturation levels. The pacemaker box is still right next to him on the bed, but he has remained unhooked all morning/afternoon. He looks and acts completely normal. (Add this to the list of things I completely don't understand.)

The plan remains that we are just going to wait and see. From what I hear from our nurses, the surgeon was ready to put him back on the schedule for a pacemaker, but our cardiologist disagrees. This is the same cardiologist that we liked so much in the clinic and who wanted Sam to have the surgery earlier to protect his lungs. So far, we've felt very comfortable with all the decisions he (and his colleagues) have made, so I guess we are going to stick with him for now. (Not that we seem to have any choice in the matter at this point...but it makes me feel better if I pretend we do.) I really don't want to have Samuel go through another surgery if we can help it, so I guess I have to be prepared to ride this roller coaster all the way to the end.

About 1 o'clock, after an entire morning of 60s heart rates, he started to have an irregular rhythm that was bouncing around. After 20 minutes or so of that, it settled into a nice steady rhythm of about 128 and doesn't show any heart block. It has remained that way for the last 2 hours.

I'm in that week postpartum where all my hair starts to fall out (weird pregnancy phenomenon)...I'm pretty sure it's all going to come back gray.

I guess I am just resigning myself to the fact that we are going to be here long term. I just keep telling myself to think about bringing home my sweet, healthy baby and not all the bills that will follow. Money is just money, right?

Day 13

2011-10-24T15:01:00.000-04:00

Day 13
Well, when last we left our little Samuel, he had been in and out of a good sinus rhythm for part of an afternoon. Travis left the hospital that night with Samuel still in sinus and going strong. We woke up early Monday morning and checked in with his night nurse. He'd gone over 10 hours without being paced. Fist pumps in the air may have happened around the breakfast table...
Travis spent the morning with Sam, while I stayed at home with Luke. Our fabulous neighbors/surrogate grandparents had agreed to watch Luke in the afternoon so that Travis could get to work and I could get to the hospital. While Travis was at the hospital, Sam had a period of about 20 minutes when he slipped back out of sinus rhythm and into complete heart block. However, the pacemaker kicked in and kept him comfortable until his heart decided to pick back up. When I arrived shortly after noon, his heart rate was nice and steady. 130-140 when awake, and 120s when asleep. Just like it should be.
After our up and down weekend, I was hesitant to share the news because I feel like it's unfair to take you all on this roller coaster ride with us. It's getting to the point where I feel like I should be apologizing when the bad news comes...
But, after a few hours of seeing the nice steady green line on the monitor, I posted about our good morning on Facebook. It is so nice to see you all rejoicing with us. Without this amazing network of prayers and love surrounding us, I don't know what we would be doing.
His heart rate stayed good through the early afternoon, which prompted visits from the surgeon and the cardiologist. The surgeon felt really good about everything and cancelled the pacemaker surgery that was scheduled for Tuesday morning. The cardiologist asked the nurses to disconnected the wires from the pacemaker box, so that in case his heart rate did slip, they would have an idea of how low it would go and what it would do.
This disconnection was a big deal to me because it was the first step on the list of things they had explained to us that would have to happen before he was allowed to come home. I felt like we were finally making progress.
And then...
At 5:30, his heart rate started jumping around. 140s all the way down to 70s. However, unlike before, he was staying in a sinus rhythm (meaning, he wasn't going back into complete heart block). His vital signs and his coloring stayed good, so they decided to monitor it for a while. And then it just kept going lower. It was still bouncing around, but eventually was getting down into the 60s on the low end. However, he was still maintaining a good blood pressure and good saturation levels. The cardiologist told them to just ride it out.
By the time they did night rounds at 9 o'clock, he had been hanging out in the low 60s for a while. I think this was making the night staff a little nervous (and me too), so the hooked him back up to the pacemaker. They set it in the 80s, just to give him some more support, but also so that if his native rate came back, it could easily override the pacemaker.
After having such a good day, with him being unpaced for almost 24 hours, it was a physical blow to watch them plug those wires back into that little box. This back and forth, up and down...it's taking its toll on me. I think I have done fairly well, all things considered, in how I've handled the stress of the past two weeks. But this may be my breaking point.
The hardest parts, I am finding, are not understanding what is happening and not knowing what to expect next. If someone could give me a better explanation other than "This just happens sometimes..." it might be easier to swallow. Or if I knew I needed to prepare myself for another surgery or just another 2 weeks in the hospital...it might be easier. But this limbo and confusion just wipes out what little reserves I have left.
Pray for patience and clarity, my friends. We all need a good dose of it.

Day 12: Roller Coaster.... of Love

2011-10-23T21:48:00.002-04:00

I settled in for a long day at the hospital, knowing that Travis wouldn't be able to tag out until early this evening. He only took one Sunday off from work and was scheduled to preach this morning and lead Youth Group this afternoon. We have officially passed our expected date of departure from the hospital, and with that, goes the Marmie back to Tennessee and the Daddy back to work. We put out the call for reinforcements and Grandma Lori from Utah stepped up. She will be hopping on a plane in the morning and arriving for hospital Days 13-20. Hopefully, we won't be there that long, but if there is one thing I've learned about pediatric cardiology, it's that you can never really give any kind of accurate time frame about anything. So, who knows? We may be putting out another SOS on Day 21.

Today, while I was changing Samuel's diaper around 11:30, I glanced up and noticed that his heart rate monitor was going nuts. This usually precludes his heart overriding the pacemaker, but I was too skeptical to believe it. I forced myself to finish changing his diaper and tuck him back in before I dared to peek at the monitor again. But...when I did, it was there. His heart rate was in a sinus rhythm. All by itself.

It has continued to go in and out all afternoon. It had gone for long stretches of pumping on it's own...but it's also had little hiccups of pacing and then some longer intervals of needing to be paced. I have absolutely no idea what any of this means. All I really know is that we will be in the CV ICU until his heart has gone without a pacemaker for something like 48 hrs or until we are a couple of days post-op from a pacemaker surgery.

We are thankful for another day of getting to see that beautiful, uninterrupted green line...even if it doesn't stick around all night. Any time it shows up, it means there is still hope we can avoid the pacemaker. It also means we all need a huge dose of patience. And maybe one of those neck pillows to ease the strain from constantly looking up at the monitors.

Day 11: Pysch!!

2011-10-22T21:52:00.002-04:00

So...apparently, we celebrated too soon. I returned this morning to find that Samuel's heart was back to being paced by the pacemaker. Some time during the night, it had converted back to a non-sinus rhythm and needed to be paced again.

I spent the entire morning and early afternoon staring at the monitor, willing it by sheer force of mind power to convert back. I must have gone, "3..2..1..NOW!" 10 different times this morning. Travis arrived to tag me out this afternoon, and soon after he arrived, he said the exact same thing. Unfortunately, it never worked for either one of us.

As of night rounds tonight, he's still being paced and we are scheduled for surgery on Tuesday for a permanent pacemaker. They may get to Tuesday and change their mind. They may not. This waiting game is far from being an exact science, so everyone just goes around wishing, and hoping, and crossing their fingers. It is quite possibly the most frustrating thing in the entire world.

Day 10: Boom Boom Goes My Heart

2011-10-21T23:31:00.002-04:00

Day 10

About 2 o'clock this afternoon, I was standing in the line at Gap, trying to buy a new pair of jeans (sitting a hospital room for days on end is not helping me lose this pregnancy weight...), when I got the call from Travis saying that Samuel's heart was overriding the pacemaker and beating on it's own. Nothing like jumping up and down and crying in front of strangers to get your afternoon going!

It's still a little slow, and it's been going off and on the pacemaker all afternoon/evening...But! There have been whole hours today when his heart has been doing the work on its own. We weren't sure we were ever going to see this kind of progress. In fact, I was pretty certain we were going to need the pacemaker. But, I am happy to say, I am probably wrong.

The transition from being on a pacemaker to being off it is not cut and dry. I just got home from the hospital after staying for night rounds. The pacemaker is being confused by what Samuel's heart is doing and it's firing at times it shouldn't. This makes it look like he needs the pacemaker, but he doesn't really. The night shift doctor changed some settings and it seem to make the pacemaker calm down and let Samuel do more of the work. When I left, his rhythm looked much better and he was sound asleep.

I don't think Travis and I can convey enough just how thankful we are for your prayers. We are so excited that God seems to be saying yes to this particular one.

We aren't out of the woods (or the CV ICU) just yet, but we have a lot of hope. Day 10 rocks!

Day 9

2011-10-20T22:14:00.001-04:00

Day 9

After my crazy long night last night, I was anxious to get back to the hospital this morning. They reassure me every time I leave that they will call with any changes, but I always wake up wondering if he's really okay. After I pumped at home, I headed in. I knew rounds were later on Thursdays, but I needed to see for myself that he was still just hooked up to the little pacemaker and not on something more dramatic.

When I arrived, he was swaddled up and looked completely content with the world. They hadn't had to make any changes to his pacemaker and the nurse said he had slept most of the night. That was encouraging to hear, but I was still anxious to hear what the discussion would be during rounds.

When the team came in, I was bracing myself for them to say they were moving the decision date up. However, before they even got to talking about it, the cardiologist got excited about something he saw when they paused the pacemaker. (Something about a p-wave for those of you who are cardiac savvy) They decided to do another EKG this afternoon to see if they could get a better picture of what exactly was happening. They paused it again before they left and didn't see anything that time, so the excitement died down a little. After having been burned so recently, I kept telling myself to not get my hopes up.

The EKG was done a few hours later and still showed Samuel to be in complete heart block. We spoke with the doctors some while Travis and I were both there this afternoon to try and get a little more understanding of the heart and what we needed to see happen if we were going to avoid a permanent pacemaker. They are tentatively scheduling us for surgery on Tuesday, but still holding out hope that it will come back before then.

The cardiologist still hadn't seen the EKG results by the time I left. However, I was only about 10 minutes down the road when I got a text from Travis saying that the cardiologist had come in to pause the pacemaker and had seen conduction happening. While they are so careful to not get our hopes up, they said that it was "promising." The surgeon stopped by a little while later and saw the same thing and seemed to be encouraged.

So, maybe, just maybe, we are going to get to be one of those cases they keep telling us about. We have been on the losing end of so many statistics lately that it would be really great to land in the positive on this one. I can't wait to bring my baby home. Pacemaker, or no pacemaker, I am ready to be done with this particular adventure.

Day 8

2011-10-19T21:53:00.000-04:00

Day 8

This past week we've spent in the CV ICU has been one of the longest of my life. In so many ways, going for a shift at the hospital is like taking care of Samuel at home. I'm changing diapers, trying to nurse, soothing him when he cries, and trying to entertain him. It's harder to do with the challenge of not being able to scoop him up whenever I want or walking him around to calm him down. But, for the most part, he's just acting like a normal baby. Except for the whole wires sticking out of his chest: don't pull on them, don't pull on them, be careful, BE CAREFUL!

Getting him out of bed to nurse, especially after our little episode yesterday, is an exercise in faith and prayer. Everyone reassures me that it's okay to hold him and to move him adjust while we are nursing. But. I'm so nervous I'm going to inadvertently yank something out of him, that will subsequently lead to a nurse yanking him out of my arms and running down the hall.
(That's not exactly what would happen since he's not 100% dependent upon the pacemaker and has an underlying rythm that would buy them enough time to get his heart paced in another way if the wires came out.)

Travis had to work tonight, so I took the afternoon/evening shift. We had a better nurse today, so that made our day so much easier. Nursing is still a challenge, but we continue to try for every feeding that I'm there. We'll figure this out. He already does so much better than he did before the surgery. Once we are home and he's not so fragile, I think it will just get better and better.

Samuel had another stable day until about 9:30 tonight. They had made no changes to his pacemaker settings, his heart continued to sound great, and he's eating well. If it weren't for the need of the pacemaker, we truly would be at home by now. His scar is even looking like it's beginning to heal.

After night rounds, I had Samuel in my lap again, trying to nurse, when his heart rate dropped like it had before. I paged a nurse and a couple of people came into the room. While they were waiting for the nurse practitioner to get there, they switched his pacemaker box to the back up one that is by his bed at all times. By the time the NP arrived, his heart rate seemed to be going back up and appeared to be pacing again. They got a new back up, marked his original one as bad, and left us alone again. We got him back into bed after he finished eating, and I tried to get my own heart rate to slow back down.

However, about 10 minutes later, his heart rate dropped again. The nurses came back in and they ended up having to turn his voltage back up again. We'd gone from 5 post-op, to 9 at the first adjustment, to 16 tonight, before they got it stabilized again. Because his little pacemaker box is only capable of so much, they also had to wheel an external pacemaker machine to stand guard outside our door in case they needed a higher current than was possible with the little portable box that he's been using.

They got him settled back down fairly quickly. I, however, wasn't sure I could leave his side. The last hour had taken it's toll on me and I was a mess. I hadn't planned on staying the night, but I wasn't comfortable leaving. I got Sam to go to sleep and tried to settle in on the couch there. After about an hour, the NP came in to check on him and encouraged me go home. He reassured me that Samuel was stable, that even if the pacemaker completely went kaput, he would have plenty of time to get something else in place before he was in danger.

Exhaustion finally won and I left about midnight. I have a feeling we are getting this pacemaker sooner, rather than later.

Day 7

2011-10-18T21:26:00.000-04:00

Day 7

Today was a disappointing day for me. I took the morning shift again so that Sam and I could work with the lactation consultant around 10. When I arrived his pacemaker settings had been changed. There are lights that flash on his pacemaker, and we'd only been seeing one color of lights. This morning, one side was flashing a new color. I didn't know what this meant, but I foolishly got my hopes up. I spoke with the nurse when she came by about 30 minutes later, and she was a little bit clueless about the settings (We've been switched over to non CV nurses in the recent days, so these nurses don't have as good of a grasp on the specifics of his pacemaker. No one told us about the switch, but it became fairly obvious today.). So, for no good reason at all, I began to think maybe he was doing better.

However, when the doctors came by for rounds about an hour later, I learned that they had just changed his pacemaker to a new setting and the different colored lights didn't mean anything. He is still in complete heart block and the pacemaker is needed to pace his heart at a higher rhythm. He still has an underlying heart rate, but it's too low to keep him with a stable blood pressure.

After having the new setting explained to me, I wasn't devastated. However, throughout the rest of the day, I found myself to be irritable and grumpy. We had our first bad experience with the nursing staff, which didn't help matters. Most of our nurses have been spectacular, but this one seemed to be impossible to track down. Even though Samuel isn't the sickest kid in the CV ICU anymore, we are still completely dependent on the nurses to get him out of bed for feedings. It was annoying to never be able to find her, or to feel like I was inconveniencing her by asking to nurse.

I also had a scary moment with Samuel this afternoon. I was holding him in the rocking chair next to his bed, when I heard the monitor beep. This isn't unusual because he is always knocking his sensor off his toe that measures his oxygen levels. I glanced up at it and noticed that his heart rate was dropping. It was being paced at 120, so seeing it go into the 90s and then 80s totally freaked me out. The nurses and doctors came in and messed with his pacemaker. They had to turn up the voltage in order to get the pacemaker to capture again. Basically, the places where the wires are attached to his heart are developing a little scar tissue around them. This thicker tissue makes it a little harder for the electricity to get through. This is not unusual for a temporary pacemaker. They fixed the settings at a higher rate and his heart rate stabilized again. He showed no signs of distress during the whole episode.

My heart, however, was racing for the rest of the afternoon.

My one positive for today is that Samuel had a really good nursing session. So, I will take that and run with it.

I needed some perspective today, so I pulled these up to look at. The first picture is Samuel, about 2 hours post-op. The second one is him taking a nap this morning (...and yes, he is sleeping with his eyes cracked open. So weird.). He has improved leaps and bounds in the last 7 days, and even if we have to have a pacemaker, I am extremely thankful that he has done so well and that he is still here with us.

Day 1

Day 7

Sam, I Am

2011-10-17T17:43:00.003-04:00

If it weren't for that darn pacemaker, we could be at home enjoying these smiles!

Day 6

2011-10-17T13:06:00.001-04:00

Travis needed to be at work for a few hours this morning, so I returned to the hospital again bright and early. When I arrived, Samuel was sleeping peacefully and his room was quiet. The day nurse came in a few minutes later and said he had a very calm night. After staying awake for so long yesterday afternoon, I suspected he would have a sleepy night, and I was right. He would wake up to eat and then go right back to sleep. Other than having to replace the IV in his hand, they said they got to leave him alone most of the night. This rhythm to his day is so similar to what his schedule was like at home prior to the surgery...it's so surprising to me that he's already back in that mode. Babies truly are resilient little things.

Samuel woke up while I was talking to the nurse, so I got him out of bed to hold and rock him for a little while. The team came by to do rounds, and we are a much simpler case these days than we were last week! Basically, everything is returning to normal, beyond the need for a pacemaker. They stopped all IV medications and gave the ok to remove the central line. They put the IV in his hand last night so that they would have one available if they need it, but it's currently not hooked up to anything. In fact, after rounds, they even took the IV pole away. Immediately post-op, he had four of those surrounding his bed, and now we are down to zero machines, besides his vitals monitor. His monitor used to have like 10 different things they were watching, but now it's just down to 4. Amazing.

We even got the go ahead to try nursing again. He did okay, but not stellar. However, I have hope that we can continue to work on this and that he'll be able to learn to nurse effectively. I am SO tired of pumping. I set up an appointment with one of the lactation specialists here at the hospital for tomorrow, so maybe she'll have some tips. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be to try to nurse. He seems so fragile to me, even though he isn't even on any pain medication. I guess I'm actually more afraid of hurting the pacing wires than I am of hurting him! The nursing staff has definitely drilled it into our heads how careful we have to be with them.

The pacemaker conversation deadline is looming for us and it makes me a little anxious. I spoke with the doctors about it this morning and they continue to be hopeful that the different chambers of his heart will start communicating with one another again. They hold out hope for at least a week, and will probably give it up to two weeks post-op before they make any decisions. Unfortunately for us, this means we will be stuck in the CV ICU until he either comes off the pacemaker or they decide to insert a permanent one. Like one nurse said, they are basically very expensive babysitters for him right now, but he has to remain in the ICU while the pacemaker is active.

If he has to have a pacemaker....well, so then he has to have a pacemaker. It's not the end of the world and it's definitely something we can deal with. I hate the idea of having another surgery and going through this process again, but it is what it is. He is a champ and this hospital is amazing and it will all just be okay.

I'm going home in a few hours and Travis will take the night shift. It's been hard living this disjointed life between home and the hospital but we are getting it done. Luke has been in great hands and been going on adventures with Dad and Marmie during the afternoons I've been at the hospital. He's such a good boy and so funny these days. I can't wait to have all my boys back under the same roof again. They are going to have such a good time growing up together.

Day 5

2011-10-16T14:43:00.001-04:00

It's been another good morning for Sam! Travis took the first shift this morning, and by the time I made it to the hospital this afternoon, there were even fewer things surrounding his bed. He lost two IV's and got to take the nasal oxygen off. He doesn't have to have anything on his face anymore. Soon after Travis and I switched off, they let me take him out of the bed and hold him. Because he is still using the pacemaker, we can't just pick him up whenever we want to. However, the nurses were super helpful in getting him in and out of bed for me so that I could have some cuddle time. He ate a bottle and took a little nap in my arms before they had to mess with him again. It was a good feeling.

I was with him from 2-10:30 this evening and he spent most of that time awake, so I haven't had as much down time in his hospital room as I did before. I'm feeding and burping and changing diapers, much like I would at home....just with a little nursing supervision. It's nice to hand off the really nasty diapers to someone else by claiming I'm too uncomfortable with all the wires. :)

There has been no change in his heart today. He's still totally dependent upon the pacemaker. So, for now, we continue to wait and see.

Day 4: A Good Day

2011-10-15T16:12:00.000-04:00

Our day began with getting to feed Sam and has just gotten better from there. These are the kind of days I like to have. It's been a day of noticeable, tangible progress. The amount of things surrounding his bed has noticeably decreased. It seems every time I come in now, something else is missing. I really, really like that.

Like I said below, they continued to wean him off the high flow oxygen overnight and he handled it very well. So much so,that by the time we came in this morning, he was completely off it and just on regular oxygen. They've decreased that throughout the day and will most likely remove it entirely by tonight. His saturation levels have been 99 to 100% all day. Yay! This is one of those numbers that was always in the 80's for him before the surgery, so it's a readily noticeable change post-op.

His chest tube drainage had slowed dramatically in the last 24 hours, so they were also able to remove that this afternoon. I was at home for that part, but Travis said it was quick and easy. He now has no type of drainage tube left in him.

His heart function was about the same this morning when they came through on rounds. Dr. Maxey, the surgeon who did his repair, was not at all surprised or uncomfortable with what his heart is doing. Samuel's BP has still been flucuating throughout the day, but in a much lower range than yesterday.

He used to have three different poles that held all his different IV medications, but when I returned this afternoon, he was down to just one. He got his temperature probe removed...mostly cause I think they were tired of changing all the dirty diapers! Right now, he still has the patches on him that measure the amount of oxygen that gets to his skin, but they just ended a medication and if that goes well, those will be removed tomorrow. He still has all 3 IV's in, but I'm pretty sure they will take his central line out tomorrow.

All in all, today has been a good day. He's eaten 3 times today, and has been resting more comfortably. He's currently sound asleep and snoring a little. It's getting harder and harder to not be able to hold him. The more he looks like my sweet baby, the less afraid I am to touch him.

Things to pray for today:
-Continued improvement in his heart function so that we can come off the pacemaker
-Good bloodwork so that they can further decrease medications and remove different things
-Patience for Travis and I as we stare at monitors
-Rest and energy for the times at home
-Comfort for Luke as he deals with his world being upside down

FOOD!

2011-10-15T09:33:00.001-04:00

Sam got his first bottle this morning!

I arrived back at the hospital around 8:30 this morning. I noticed right away that we'd lost another machine! He is off the high flow oxygen now and just on regular oxygen. They even turned that down some more and his saturation level has stayed at 100 for the last hour. This means he got to eat! We warmed up some of the breastmilk I'd been freezing and Travis arrived just in time to help me feed him. We still can't hold him, but this was pretty good. He ate 2 ounces, burped, and is conked out right now. They haven't even done rounds yet this morning, but I was too excited to wait to share our good news!

Way to go, Sam!!

Day 3

2011-10-14T10:06:00.000-04:00

Well, I ended up staying til about midnight last night. I just needed to see that even when he had episodes of lower saturation, that they could fix it easily. So once I sat through it a few times and he was resting comfortably, I knew I needed to get home to get some sleep. I woke up worried about him and headed to the hospital shortly after I pumped for the morning.

He had a good night, according to the nurse. However, I'm learning that they don't give a lot of details out right away. So, after I'd been here for a while, I learned more about the lay of the land. He had remained on the CPAP overnight, but when the surgeon came through this morning, he didn't like that his BP was a little high. So, they messed around with his drugs a little. When I first came in, they were talking about the possibility of having to put him back on the ventilator because of the BP and because he was breathing a little too hard. This wouldn't necessarily be a setback, it would just mean that he needed a little more time before he was able to take over the hard job of breathing. If he hadn't just had open heart surgery, it wouldn't be a big deal at all, but they don't want any unnecessary strain on his heart.

Before rounds, they switched him over from the CPAP to just high flow oxygen through a nasal tube...like the one you see people use when they have to carry oxygen around with them...the prongs that go into his nose a little and are attached to the clear tubing. They thought the CPAP mask was making him uncomfortable and irritated him. The mask has been removed for about 2 hours now and his BP is lower; so, apparently he has a little temper when things aren't just the way he likes them. :)

The rest of the report given during rounds was status quo. He still has heart block, but his underlying rhythm is still 90+. This is in the long term wait and see. His blood work is fine, and the rest of his bodily functions are doing well. He's has a ton of dirty diapers in the last 12 hours, which is always a good sign. He will actually get his catheter out in a few hours, since his urine output has been good. They will continue to monitor him throughout the day and if all goes well, he may get to lose some other lines. He may not, but that's ok, too. At this point, it doesn't mean one thing or another that he still has them in.

He's been awake much of the morning, but has just drifted back off to sleep. It was good to see him awake and alert. He was able to follow my voice and find me with his eyes when I switched from different sides of his bed. It's so good to see him alert and calm. If his levels remain well with the oxygen, then he will get to eat. I hope this happens soon because I have a feeling he will be happier with a little food in his belly.
I'm going to go back home and rest for a little while. Travis is here, so we will continue to play tag today like we did yesterday. We'll update when we know more.

7PM Update:

Sam has had a pretty uneventful afternoon. I returned to the hospital around 3 after going home to take a little nap. The ICU doctors were in a couple of times shortly after I arrived, but didn't change anything. They checked his blood work and were satisfied, so they've left him alone much of the day. He continues to have the oxygen in place through the nasal prongs. They removed the catheter after lunch and that has been an easy transition. They didn't remove any other lines, but like I said, that's not a big deal. They are still holding off on feeding him because of the high flow oxygen. It gets a lot of air into his belly, so if you add food to the mix, then he would most likely throw it up and there is a possibility of aspiration and we just don't want that. His oxygen flow is at a 4 and they want it at a 3 before they try food. He's good for another day without it, so they aren't going to push it. He's getting nutrition through his IV for now.

I've had a quiet afternoon of sitting in his room, talking to him while he was awake and helping him keep his pacifier in. He's been asleep for over an hour now, so I went to get dinner. The nurse figured out a way to swaddle him that would help prop the pacifier in his mouth. He's never really been interested in a pacifier at home, mostly because he hasn't needed one. The low muscle tone around his mouth that keeps him from nursing well, also affects his ability to keep a pacifier in. But I tried just about every type of pacifier that they make and finally found a brand that is shaped in a way that isn't so hard for him to suck on. I brought one from home and it's been a useful tool in helping him calm down. And now that they have a way to keep it in, we don't have to stand by his bed and pop it back in all the time.

I've also been bugging the nurses and eavesdropping on every conversation so that I can learn more about what all these machines are doing and saying about Samuel. Today, I learned more about the pacemaker and how to read it's output. His heart is being kept at a rate of about 140. His heart is doing half of that work. For every two to three beats, his heart is firing on its own once. The rest of the time, the machine has to fire it for him. This is a good sign because it means that his heart does have a working electrical system...it's just not perfect. As they've told us many times, this can continue to improve and they will give it every opportunity to do so. He is still par for the course for the type of surgery that he had.

We've been weaned down to sharing a nurse with the kid next door, so we are definitely off the super critical stage. Yay for baby steps!

Things to pray for tonight:
-Continued improvement of his heart function
-Improvements in his ability to breath deeply and calmly on his own so that he can start feeding
-Patience for Travis and myself as we sit and watch monitors all day long
-And as always, good rest and energy for Travis, myself, and Marmie as we face this long week

Day 2 Update

2011-10-13T22:36:00.001-04:00

As you can see from my last post, I went home for a few hours to play with Luke and get a break from the hospital room. Travis stayed with Samuel. While as I was at home, Samuel wasn't breathing as effectively as they would like to see, so they put him on a CPAP machine. This isn't a breathing tube, but more like an oxygen mask. He also spiked a fever of about 101. They gave him some Tylenol, but it hasn't come back down as of 9PM tonight. It's not completely unusual post surgery, but it is a little higher than they normally see. Because it's so soon after surgery, they aren't saying infection yet. They are just going to continue to monitor it (along with a zillion other things...).

His underlying heart rate came up another 10 points or so after they extubated, but the surgeon said he isn't convinced that both sides of the heart are "talking" to each other yet. Again, this is just another wait and see situation. Travis spoke with the surgeon, so it's been a while since they checked it.

They just came through with night rounds so I got to ask a few questions. His heart rate has been stable all afternoon. They are going to hold off on feeding him while he is on the CPAP machine because it's liable to make him throw up. He's been awake a lot and been producing a lot of dirty diapers...which I don't have to change! Right now, the biggest thing going on is with his breathing. In the last hour since I started writing, they've had to tweak his CPAP machine a lot and his saturation levels (how much oxygen is in the blood) have dipped once or twice. These aren't unexpected issues after coming off the ventilator, but it is still hard to watch.
I was excited this afternoon when the breathing tube came out, but it's harder than I thought to see him awake and squirming and I'm not able to pick him up to soothe him back to sleep. He just came through a little episode where he was awake and having some difficulties and it was killing me that I couldn't pick him up. He's asleep now and his levels look good again. I was planning on heading home soon, but I think I may be here a while. Whether it's a good thing or not, I'm slowly learning what all those numbers mean and I just don't feel comfortable with where he is at. That doesn't mean he isn't in capable hands...I'm just being a worried momma! I want to be back for morning rounds, though, so I eventually have to get some sleep.
Things to pray for tonight:
-That Samuel's heart function continues to improve
-That he is able to breath easier and deeper so that they can remove the CPAP tomorrow morning and he can eat
-That his oxygen saturation levels remain high and his respiratory rate lowers
-For deep, restorative sleep for Travis and (eventually) me

A Little Comedy Courtesy of Luke

2011-10-13T19:18:00.001-04:00

Travis and I switched places this afternoon so that I could spend some time with Luke. Because I'd been sitting in the hospital for two days, I decided I needed a good walk, so we hit up the greenway. It's been raining for a few days so there were lots of puddles to explore....

Goodbye tube!

2011-10-13T15:24:00.001-04:00

Breathing tube taken out about 15 minutes ago. Breathing on his own for the first time in almost 36 hours. Way to go, Sam!!

Post Op Day 2

2011-10-13T12:42:00.000-04:00

12PM
Travis and I arrived back at the hospital around 8:30 this morning. We both went home last night to get some rest. The night before the surgery, Samuel had decided to stay up late and party, so I faced the surgery yesterday with only about 3 hours of sleep on board. It was a long day, and as much as I would have liked to stay and be with him through his first night, I knew I would never make it through the coming weeks if I didn't get some rest while I could. We got an update when we woke up this morning and then made our way back down to Charlotte.
Samuel had a good night. They are continuing to pace his heart with the external pacemaker, however, we've had encouraging news on that front. Yesterday, after his surgery, his underlying heart rate was in the 40's. Today, they've checked it multiple times (meaning they turn the pacemaker off for a minute or two to see what happens) and his heart rate was in the mid 90's every time. He was still in heart block, but having a higher heart rate is a good sign. We still won't know about the possibility of a permanent pacemaker for many more days, but they are pleased that his heart rate has come up.
We were here for rounds this morning and heard a bunch of numbers that made absolutely no sense to us. The highlights for us were that his underlying heart rate is much better, his chest tube output is good, and he will probably be coming off the ventilator this afternoon. The chest tube will probably come out either overnight or in the morning, along with some of the other things like extra IVs. The chest x-ray this morning also looked good.
We are excited about him being extubated (breathing tube coming out) today. There are a few tricks to this since he has down syndrome and has what they call a "floppy" airway. However, they are encouraged by all his numbers and outputs, so they are working on weaning him off it as I type. I think it will be a few more hours before they pull it, but they are already heading in that direction.
So, I'm feeling pretty good about him today. Like the doctor told us after rounds, it is like Sam has been reading the textbooks because he is doing exactly like they expected. His main issues aren't life threatening and everything else is being monitored and treated with medications. This isn't going to be a lightning fast recovery and we will be in the ICU for a while. We don't even really have a guess to how long he will be in here, but I would say at least a week but probably longer. However, he will definitely be in here while the pacemaker is on.
Travis has gone home for the afternoon to hang out with Luke and get some more down time. I will stay for a while, and then switch with him this afternoon. The CV ICU (Cardiovascular Intensive Care) has a desk and a small couch for us to hang out on, but it's cramped with both of us in here. Since I am continuing to pump milk for Samuel, it makes it easier for me to time my pumping schedule around my visits so that I can continue to store milk here in the freeezer for him. They are hoping to start feeding him by tonight, through a tube at first, and then back to bottle eventually.
His blood pressure has remained low, but they just added some fluids back to help with that, and it went back up within 5 minutes. He's also coming down on his sedation levels, so he's squirming around a lot more.
I think that is all for now. I'll update again later this evening.
Here are some specific things to pray for:
-That Samuel's heart continues to regain function and that he will be able to be taken off the pacemaker
-That his blood pressure can stabilize
-That his extubation goes well and that he won't have to have the breathing tube put back in later
-That his underlying heart rate continues to climb
-That Travis and I get effective rest times away from the hospital
-Rest and energy for Marmie (my mother) as she takes care of Luke during our abscenes during the day

Thanks again, over and over, for your continued support and prayers!

Post Op Day 1

2011-10-12T18:01:00.001-04:00

We were able to see Samuel about an hour after we spoke with the surgeon. Because so many of the other Down Syndrome/Heart Defect parents had warned us about how jarring it is to see your child hooked up to so many different machines, we had prepared ourselves by looking at pictures of other infants post-op. The medical staff we had met with during our Pre-op appointment were also very explicit about just what would be in and on Samuel's body when they brought him out into the CV ICU. So, with all that floating around in my head, I was very nervous about seeing him.
However, I have to say, it wasn't as bad as I feared. Maybe because we were prepared or maybe because it was such a relief to see our sweet baby alive that it just didn't matter how many cords were around him. He still looks like Sam to us and that helps. I took some pictures of him, but I don't want to subject anyone to that that doesn't want to see it. I'll figure out a way to post them once I'm back in front of a computer.
It was definitely hard to go from a baby that looked completely healthy to one that is hooked up to a zillion machines, but hopefully, it will all just get better from here. He will remain intubated until tomorrow morning, so long as he has a good night. Right now, they are working on stabilizing his blood pressure and some other things I vaguely understand. His heart is still being paced with the external pacemaker and will remain so for a little while. They will continue to check his rhythms to see if his heart can take over that function again, but right now, with the surgery trauma and swelling, it just makes it easier for him for the pacemaker to correct the heart block. He is sedated and looks comfortable. He hasn't swelled much yet, although that is probably coming.
We are going to stay with him for a little while longer tonight, and then head home. Neither one of us got much sleep last night and we need to do some catching up before we settle into this ICU routine. We can't stay in the room with him overnight, but have access to sleep rooms if we do decide to stay here.
We will be back before rounds tomorrow morning to see what kind of night he had. They warned us that the 12-16 hour post op time can be a little rocky, but I honestly don't have the stamina to stay here and keep watch at 2AM. We feel like he is in the best place possible and are still so impressed with this hospital and every staff member we have come in contact with. We are so lucky this is just down the road from us and not half way across the state. Thank goodness for silver linings.

Samuel's Surgery Updates

2011-10-12T07:04:00.001-04:00

7AM
We arrived at the hospital at 5:30 and got checked in. Samuel stayed asleep until we reached the Pre-Op suite. I was worried he would be extra fussy since he had to stop eating after midnight, but he was a champ. He was wide awake and happy while they checked his vitals and we met with the nurses. It was nice to have him in a good mood that last hour we got to be with him. We rocked and talked to him while we waited for the anesthesiologist to come. Travis held it together pretty well, but I have been a mess since we left the house. I know he is in the best possible hands, but this is still the hardest thing I have ever had to do. We gave him over to the anesthesia team about 15 minutes ago and are now in the cafeteria eating breakfast. It will be about an hour and a half before we get our first update. They are putting him under and then getting him ready for the surgery with the IVs and the myriad of other things that have to be in place before they start.
Thank you for your prayers and thoughts today. We need them and appreciate them.

8 AM
We just received word that the surgery has begun and that everything is going well. We were given a private waiting room since I have to pump and because we will be here for so long. It's a small room that has 2 chairs, a small couch, and a few tables. It has a window that looks out on this appropriately gloomy, rainy day. I think it would be weird if it were a sunny, bright day outside while we are having such a hard day inside. Travis and I are watching Hulu and trying to keep ourselves distracted.

8:45AM
Samuel is now on the heart/lung bypass machine and everything is still going according to plan.

10AM
Latest update relayed to us from the surgical nurse: They are still working and everything is good.
It's not exactly all the information I would like to know, but it covers the basics, I guess. We don't get to speak to her directly; it's relayed to us by the very nice hospitality coordinators on the waiting room staff. But, I guess I don't really want the nurse to be on the phone with me instead of doing whatever her job is in there.
We are beginning to get a little antsy now. We are trying to distract ourselves with gadgets and Words with Friends and endless games of Angry Birds. It has been so good for us to see your comments on Facebook and here. We can feel you all here with us and know that Samuel is being surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses.

10:50AM
Just heard that Samuel is off the bypass and they are closing! We are so excited. For such a short message, it conveys so much. His heart is pumping on it's own again and that seems like such great news to us. We still won't know any specifics until we get to speak to the surgeon.
There are a few things that we have to be concerned about and won't know until he comes to fill us in. First, how well did the repair go? They have to create two working valves out of one big valve and this can be tricky. They said making the left valve so that it creates a good seal and isn't leaky is the hardest part of the whole surgery. Depending on how well it went today, we may or may not have to have follow up surgeries at some point in his life. Secondly, there is a possibility that Samuel will need a pacemaker. There is electrical tissue in the heart that looks exactly the same as non-electrical tissue. The surgeons know where it SHOULD be, but with an abnormal heart there are no guarantees. He may just need a temporary pacemaker to help with his rhythms while the heart recovers from the trauma of the surgery, or he may need a permanent one. We won't know for a while.
We don't know a whole lot right now, but we are hoping that since the surgery went according to the time schedule they gave us, that that is a good sign. Fingers, toes, and everything else crossed. Mostly just praying our hearts out and thanking you for yours. It's so amazing to have you all on our side in this. Much love, friends. Much love.

11:45AM
Just heard that the surgery is over. Once the surgeon wraps things up in the OR and then dictates we will meet them him.

12:00
We just met with Dr. Maxey and it seems like the surgery went very well. The valves look really good and that was the most encouraging news. He said his heart rate is a little low, but that is not abnormal. They are using the pacing wires for now, but we won't have to worry about anything for at least 3 more days when it comes to discussing the pacemaker. His lungs seem to be doing great and he came off the bypass very easily. He is up in the CV ICU and getting settled in. They will let us go up in about 45 minutes to see him.
We are feeling good with this news and are relieved this long morning is over. There are many other factors that can and will come into play, but it will be a few days before anything is worth discussing. For now, he gets to work on recovering from the surgery and letting his heart calm back down. He will be sedated for a while and still have a breathing tube. That could come out later tonight, but probably not until tomorrow morning.
Thanks again for sticking with us through this ordeal. I won't be updating hourly anymore, but I will update again this afternoon/evening. Love to you all and glory to God.

#1 Defender

2011-10-07T12:38:00.000-04:00

Last Thursday, I was frantically running around my house, trying to clean up before our babysitter arrived to watch Luke when I noticed a missed call from the Sanger Clinic and a voice mail. Since we were due to be at the hospital for our pre-op appointment in two hours, I wasn't sure what they could be calling us about. I dialed it up and listened as a woman told me to stay at home, do not come to the hospital, and to call her back when I got the chance. Despite the fact that her message wasn't really alarming, I found my heart hammering as they connected me to her phone. She explained that she was a nurse practitioner for the clinic and that they had made some changes to the surgery schedule that morning due to new patients who needed Samuel's surgery slot on the 6th. (And by new, I mean brand new. As in newborn. I am so glad we at least got to bring Samuel home for a while before we had to face this surgery. I can't imagine what those families are going through.)

I was completely understanding of needing to give Samuel's slot to someone else, but I was wildly confused when she then said it had been rescheduled to the end of the month. They were waiting on our (out of town) cardiologist to weigh in on the debate, but they were penciling us in for the 27th for now.

At our 4 week follow-up visit with the cardiologist, they explained to us about Samuel's PDA and how the high pressure in his lungs meant he wasn't exhibiting the expected signs of heart failure that his AVSD should be causing. Since this was new information for us, it really hit us hard when he explained that because the pressure wasn't dropping, it would eventually cause irreparable damage to his lungs and we would not be able to wait until he was 3-4 months old to do the surgery. He said if nothing had changed by his 6 week visit, we would schedule the surgery for some time in the weeks just prior to his turning 2 months old.

So, when nothing changed at the 6 week visit, the cardiac team (surgeons, cardiologist and the rest of the staff) met and discussed Samuel's case and then decided to do the surgery on Oct. 6th. He would be turning 10 weeks old that day. Travis and I were already feeling like we were being a little risky in waiting until he was already past that 2 month mark, so when the NP said we would be pushing it back to 3 months because they wanted him to be bigger, we were confused, upset, and a little frantic. The information she had about his weight was inaccurate...he was already 1.5lb larger than the weight she had. We felt like maybe Samuel's case was slipping through the cracks a little. Travis got on the phone immediately to try and track down our cardiologist, while I had to change diapers and fix bottles and pump and keep the toddler from running out after the school bus.

We tried to keep things in perspective, since we knew a major voice was missing from the conversation, and that the cardiologist would be back soon to weigh in. However, it took a big chunk out of our confidence level of the doctors who were making these decisions about our son. We couldn't figure out why they would have scheduled the surgery initially for 9 weeks, when really they wanted to wait until he was bigger. What was better for him? To be bigger or to protect his lungs? We didn't know and we were counting on these men and women to tell us what was the best thing for our son. For them to change their mind suddenly, it just threw us into a tailspin.

It was a bad day.

Here's the thing about suddenly becoming the parent of a special needs baby with a heart defect that is going to be the hardest for me: You have to be the one who advocates for your child. I am not a cardiologist, geneticist, educator, physical therapist, or any other of the myriad of professions my son is going to need in his life. I went to school for music and religious studies. I can teach him to sing and love music or tell him about Jesus. I cannot know if he should be receiving therapy for his low muscle tone at 2 months or if it's okay to wait until he is 4 or 5 months old like our case manager says. I do not know how to teach him to nurse, despite all my attempts. I will not know the best ways to teach him to count or read or learn. I barely even understand the heart condition he has, so I haven't the slightest clue how to weigh the pros and cons of his current situation.

But, while I have no idea how to answer many of the questions facing us about our son, I do know that it is my job to find the best qualified people who CAN answer them. I'm going to have to fight for him, to confront those who give conflicting advice, to track down other doctors or specialists, and be relentless in this pursuit of giving him the best life we can. This is almost the exact opposite of my personality.

Samuel is lucky that his father, while like me in many aspects, is better at this role than me. Together, we are learning how the system works and how to do our job as his #1 Defender and Advocate.

I know that this is the same role we fulfill for Luke, or that any parent takes on for their children. But in Luke's first two years of life, I've never once had to go out of my comfort zone in order to make sure he is getting what he needs. I've had to constantly push against natural tendencies since the day Samuel was born. He's just making me work a little harder at this than Luke has so far.

In the end, the cardiologist was reached and they decided to just push the surgery back one week. We went in yesterday for our pre-op appointment and will be returning bright and early Wednesday morning for the surgery.

Because we thought we would be doing the surgery on the 6th, we planned on doing Samuel's baptism on the 2nd. Initially we'd scheduled it for November to accommodate all of our out of town family and friends, but we wanted it done before the surgery. We wanted our families and sponsors there, but had accepted that it could not happen on such short notice. But we were wrong. Every family was able to send at least one person to represent them at the baptism. It was such an out pouring of love on our family to see the lengths to which these people went to be there for Samuel and for us.

That was a good day.

Our New Story

2011-09-17T00:40:00.002-04:00

The very first thing I thought when this doctor showed up in our postpartum room, out of breath and wanting to talk to us about Samuel, was "This is bad."
My second thought, just a split second later, was "Is he dead? Is he dead? IS HE DEAD???" It was screaming through my brain while I tried to quiet it enough to listen to the actual words coming out of her mouth. The morphine haze that I had been in since they put me in recovery suddenly evaporated.

Travis and I listened as she explained how Samuel had had some complications once he was taken to the nursery. He had started to turn blue and they rushed him down to the NICU. They weren't sure what was happening, but they were doing tests and they would keep us updated. They suspected his heart wasn't functioning correctly and they explained to us that he was also exhibiting some soft signs of Down Syndrome. He was stable, but they were keeping him in the NICU until they could figure out what was going on.

He wasn't dead...but something wasn't right.

This is how our family got a new story to tell. This is the beginning. Before this moment, we were not the parents of, the brother of, the grandparent of, the aunt/uncle/niece/nephew of a special needs baby. But after that day, after that moment, we suddenly became just that.

We had not chosen to do extra genetic testing while I was pregnant, so when my routine ultrasounds came back with normal results, we assumed everything was good and we never looked back. We had just spent an entire hour with our baby while I was in the Recovery room. Holding him, examining fingers and toes, staring at his precious little face. We noticed how his ears were folded over a little at the top, but that didn't mean anything to us. He'd been seen by at least a dozen people already and no one told us anything. I don't know if they didn't know he Downs or if they just weren't telling us yet.

After the out of breath doctor (I am sure she told us her name, but that is not a detail that stuck. What stuck was that this woman had just run to our room. It's not good when they run) left, Travis and I tried to absorb what was happening. Because of the c-section, I had to remain in bed until 10:30 that night. Travis would have to brave the NICU by himself. As much as I hated being in that room by myself, I hated the idea of Samuel being without one of us even more. As soon as they finished the testing, they allowed Travis to go visit. He was stable, breathing on his own, but until they knew what was happening, they were keeping him in there. He had to have IV antibiotics because of the c-section and my status as a Strep B carrier, but he wasn't on any other medications or treatments at that point.

Since Samuel was born at 10 in the morning, we had a whole day ahead of us of doctors and specialists. Some met with Travis in the NICU, while others came up to my room to give us news, updates, and opinions. It was an overwhelming time. The not knowing was the worst. Stuck in that bed, drugged up on pain pills, still reeling from an emergency c-section...I couldn't get my brain to stop going in circles.
Did he have Down Syndrome? What was wrong with his heart? Could they fix his heart? What is Down Syndrome exactly? Is this my fault? Did I not take enough vitamins? Is it because I got so sick that week in December? What if they can't fix his heart? On and on and on.

One of my best friends in the world lost her firstborn due to a heart defect and I could not stop thinking about her. I had spent a few days with her family in the children's hospital while they tried to repair his heart, and I kept remembering his tiny body surrounded by all those machines and the raw grief I saw etched on my friend's face. I could not believe this was happening. When you know someone who has to deal with those 1%-chance kind of things like undetected heart defects or SIDS or brain tumors, you figure the odds of something like that happening to you are even less. At least that's the way I figure it. But apparently, that is flawed logic. Or I just have the enormous privilege of being in an elite group. The .001 percenters.

1 in 800 babies are born with Down Syndrome. It is the most common birth defect in the US. 50% of babies with DS have some sort of heart defect. Due to my fairly young age (29), I had about a 1 in 1000 chance of having a baby with DS. (It is estimated that 90% of women who are prenatally diagnosed with DS will choose to terminate the pregnancy...of all these stats, this is the one that most blows my mind.)

By the end of the day, we knew that Samuel had AVSD. (15-20% of babies with DS are diagnosed with AVSD.) At that point, I wasn't very clear about what that meant exactly, despite the handout and diagrams the cardiologist had given us. We've since had a crash course in Pediatric Cardiology. Of all the things that could be wrong with his heart, this diagnosis wasn't so bad. They knew how to fix it and have a high success rate. At his one month follow-up with the cardiologist, we also learned that Samuel has PDA. We weren't aware of this before the appointment, but it will be fixed during the same surgery that will fix the AVSD.

As for the DS, the geneticist had stopped by the NICU to examine Sam and take a sample. It would be another 48 hours before they confirmed for us that Samuel does have Trisomy 21, which is the most common type of Down Syndrome. We learned that it is a genetic disorder and nothing I did or didn't do during my pregnancy had any effect on it.

We were lucky that Samuel was otherwise very healthy. He had a bout with jaundice, but after a day under the lights, it cleared up enough and he was able to leave the NICU after 3 days. Another 2 days in the regular nursery and we were both discharged. We've had at least two appointments every week since leaving the hospital, so it has taken over our lives in a very tangible way. We are learning the ins and outs (mostly outs in our case) of Social Security and Medicaid, and getting connected with Child Development Services for our county. We've seen the cardiologist and surgeon along with the normal newborn appointments with the pediatrician. We had a speech therapy evaluation this week to see about getting help with the breastfeeding.

Samuel is now seven weeks old, and in some ways, things are exactly as we expected them to be before we knew anything about his problems. He's a much easier baby than Luke ever was. He sleeps better, he gains weight better (even though he isn't able to breastfeed yet), he tolerates tummy time better. He will actually let you put him down to sleep. Travis and I are dealing with the joys of interrupted sleep and night feedings.
But in other ways, things are not going as expected. He's not showing the expected signs of heart failure. He is gaining weight easily. He doesn't have a heart murmur. Basically, he looks like a completely healthy newborn...and that's not good news. For various reasons I only pretend to understand, we will be doing the heart surgery very soon instead of waiting 4-6 months. They wanted him to be bigger and older before they operated, but because his heart isn't doing what it's supposed to be doing, he faces the threat of permanent damage to his lungs. So, they are doing it now. They finalized the decision on Thursday and now we are left waiting for a slot in the surgeon's schedule. It's not an emergency situation yet, but I would say it is high priority.

We have learned so much about Down Syndrome and have been embraced by so many families in that tight knit community in the last 2 months and I am sure we will be sharing that journey here and through Travis' column. But for now, we are focused on his heart and this upcoming operation.

Thanks for sticking with me through this lengthy post. And now here is a cute picture of my kid as your reward.

Samuel's Birth Story

2011-09-08T23:20:00.000-04:00

Being pregnant for the second time was almost nothing like what I expecting it to be. The morning sickness was worse. The round ligament pain was unbelievable and unfair. I had incredibly painful Braxton Hicks. I was exhausted the full 9 months, courtesy of my very active toddler. But on the other hand...I didn't crave a hamburger once, I was way more mellow and only consulted the Pregnancy Bible twice, and second trimester bliss was still bliss.

Of course, my natural inclination was to compare the two pregnancies. For the most part, my second pregnancy was more complicated and yet, still mostly normal. My blood work was a little off during my first trimester, but everything corrected itself by the follow-up visit. They couldn't get all the right measurements at the first ultrasound, but again, everything was good on the follow-up ultrasound. So, we went into the final stretch with just anxious excitement, our only concern the increased possibility that I would have another hemorrhage.

In fact, I was so concerned about having another postpartum hemorrhage that I spent 9 months focused on that and completely avoided thinking about what labor and delivery would be like the second time around. With my first pregnancy, my water broke when I was 37.5 weeks along and I had to be induced. I never experienced any pain with my Braxton Hicks, so the only experience I had with real contractions was the two hours between when they broke my second bag of waters in the hospital and when they finally got the epidural to work. The whole thing, from water breaking to actually birthing a baby, took less than 18 hours.

So, imagine my surprise when I started having contractions MONTHS in advance of my due date. I learned that Braxton Hicks do, in fact, hurt. A LOT. I had them in the middle of the night, I had them in the pool while I was trying to teach, I had them while trying to keep up with a very active toddler. I had them so often that I was doubtful that I would even know when they switched from being "practice" contractions to the real deal.

I actually went into labor at 35 weeks because I got a stomach bug and got dehydrated. Since Luke had come at 37 weeks, I was positive that this baby would come just as early, but I wasn't quite ready at 35 weeks. We were greatly relieved to get the labor stopped, but the dry run had me antsy for the real thing. So, as weeks 36-38 went by, I became more and more convinced that I would be pregnant forever. Every woman who has ever been pregnant understands this feeling.

Everyone tells you that your second labor will go much quicker. Actually, because so many people feel the need to hammer this "fact" into your head, I was paranoid that I would deliver my baby in the driveway. However, my early labor began a full 24 hours before we went to the hospital. I woke up around 5 AM Wednesday morning with contractions. They were painful, but not consistent. By that evening, I was completely exasperated. The contractions weren't stopping, like they had every other time, but they were so erratic, I didn't know what to think. I was determined that this was going to be it, so I packed everyone up and off we went to walk the mall, since it was too hot to walk outside. Even then, it was after midnight before they started strengthening and becoming more consistent. I spent 3 hours timing them, and thankfully, around 2 AM, they went from every 10-14 minutes to every 5. I got Travis up, called a neighbor to watch Luke, and off we went.

When we got to the hospital, the contractions had become erratic again, although they continued to get stronger and more painful. We spent an hour or two walking the halls, where they evened out to about every 4 minutes. Even though they slowed down again once I was hooked back up to the monitors and in bed, they were making progress and we got the green light to stay. Because the contractions weren't progressing in a textbook manner, I was confused about what was happening. My plan was to stay up right and walking for as long as I could take it and then ask for the epidural. I hated the idea of laboring while laying down.

However, once they got me hooked back up to the fetal monitor, they began to start worrying about the baby's heart rate. It would dip during contractions, but then rebound immediately. They weren't too alarmed at first, but eventually, they started to monitor it more closely. I went ahead and got the epidural since I'd been having hard contractions for over 12 hours, and they were going to make me stay attached to the monitors and in bed.

Shortly after the epidural took effect, the baby's heart rate wasn't bounding back as fast and more people started showing up in the room. They began moving me around and trying different positions. Left side, right side, on all fours, on oxygen, off oxygen. I eventually ended up on my hands and knees, oxygen mask on my face, face smashed into a pillow, but to no avail. They were still concerned about the dips in his heart rate and how his rate was staying low, in general. While I was still in that very dignified and uncomfortable position, I heard the nurse ask the obstetrician if she was calling it. She said yes, and before I knew it, a nurse was throwing a blanket over my back and my bed was moving. I didn't even get to see Travis before I was being wheeled into the hallway and the anesthesiologist was running alongside trying to inject something into my IV.

From this point on, I kept my eyes closed. I was silently freaking out. Once they got me into the OR and on my back, I kept them closed because I knew if I opened them and saw where I was and how all those people were whizzing around me, I wasn't going to be able to hold it together. My anxiety was already high because of the hemorrhage possibility, and you know, because I was giving birth...but this was more than my brain could process. So I just closed my eyes, tried not to cry too much, and listened to the amazing anesthesiologist who was my savior and kept me from losing it. Seriously, she was amazing and if you had the ability to request a doctor for your emergency C-section, I would totally recommend her.

In what seemed like hours, but was probably only 5 minutes, Travis appeared by my head dressed in scrubs and they started they operation. Within minutes, he was out. The cry of our newborn son is something I will never forget. His name is Samuel. Samuel Dean Norton. He was 6 lbs, 10oz, and 19 inches long. He was born at 10:21 AM.

For now, I'm going to leave it at that. I will go into all that happened after the C-section, but for tonight, I want to remember that one perfect moment when he was born and we were both fine. Before the NICU and the geneticist and the cardiologists, before our lives were forever changed. That moment when I heard him cry, when I held my husband's hand and cried tears of relief and happiness. That was a good moment.

Dear Luke (Year 2)

2011-09-03T22:30:00.002-04:00

Dear Luke,

Today you turned 2 years old. As 5:21 rolled around this afternoon, I was remembering those crazy last moments before you made your entrance into our lives. I know everyone always says this, but I truly cannot believe you have been with us for two years. It's gone so fast. And yet...I can barely remember what life was like before you came along.

In the past year, you have changed in almost every way possible. Physically, you've weighed the same amount for 6+ months, but you've been gaining half an inch in height every month. You are losing all your hard-earned baby fat and turning into a little boy right before our eyes. You've gotten so tall.

You are a climber. From the bookcases in your room to the rocks in the backyard, you are not afraid to explore. It amazes me how well you've learned to use your body. I can remember those days when we waited with bated breath to see if you'd figure out how to flip your little body over. Now, I watch in amazement as you haul yourself onto furniture, up ladders, through jungle gyms, and onto all sorts of places you are not supposed to be (ie. on top of the piano, the middle of the table, on the kitchen counters, on top of your dresser, etc etc ETC).

You have finally become a good sleeper; mostly because if you are awake, you are moving. You play hard and you sleep hard. You hardly ever sit still, usually only lulled into submission by Sesame Street or Veggie Tales.

When you were a baby, we wondered about your personality. You've always been a happy guy, but would you be smart? Would you have a temper? Would you be an introvert like your parents, or more extroverted? The past year has started to answer some of those questions for us. In the past 2 months, you have figured out EVERY single "child-proof" device in our house.(As an aside...I think you should get a refund if your kid can undo them. False Advertising.) Last week, as we watched you drag a bag of blocks over to the front door, then proceed to climb on top so that you would be tall enough to unlock the dead bolt (our only defense since you dismantled the door knob cover in 2 hours), your father said, "Well, he's not dumb." Amen. Our garage has become a holding pen for all the toys you use as step ladders.

While you have hit all the physical milestones months ahead of when those charts said you would, you have been slow to talk. At your 18 month doctor's appointment, I may have fudged just a little bit on how many words you could say. You were supposed to have 10 by then, but you barely said 3. At two years of age, you are finally working on your HI!! and BYE CYA! and you are picking up new words every day. CAH! (Car) HAH!HAH! (Hot! Hot!)

While you may not be spouting Shakespeare, you are very adept at getting your point across. You have inherited my overly expressive face and can make a statement just by lifting your eyebrows. And if all else fails, you are not afraid to grab a hand and literally drag someone across the room and point at the cookie jar or place their hand on the doorknob. Subtlety will not be your gift, I feel.

To celebrate your birthday, we took you to Monkey Joe's last weekend, and watched you run non-stop for 2 hours. While you were hesitant at first about walking on the weird surface of the bounce house, you got over it and had a great time. An older boy continually knocked you down on one of the slides, and while most toddlers would have dissolved into tears, you laughed and pushed him back.

As I've already said, you are a physical kid and have yet to figure out when it is ok to play rough and when it's frowned upon. It must be so hard to be a toddler and have to figure out all these social cues. It's ok to throw the soft soccer ball at your dad, but it's not ok to throw your full sippy cup at the dog. It's ok to draw on the sidewalk and the chalkboard, but not ok to draw on any of the walls, furniture, or books. It's ok to play rough on the jungle gym when everyone is laughing, but it's not ok to poke at the girls on vacation when they want to play princess and not Wrestlemania.
Your father and I are doing our best to explain it to you in a way that you'll understand, but we all end up needing a time out at one point or another as we deal with these frustrating things.

This past month, you became a big brother. Up until the day Mom and Dad disappeared and Grandma magically appeared while you were sleeping, you had no clue anything was going on. You showed no interest in my burgeoning belly, nor did it bother you when we moved your crib into another room and got you a Big Boy Bed. Needless to say, Samuel has rocked your world.
The first few weeks were tough, as you were figuring out how to be gentle with him. So far, we've had a few close calls, but you have yet to maim him in any way. I'm so proud of you for adjusting the way you have, and it melts my heart every time you insist on giving Samuel his nightly blessing before you will do anyone else.
Your little brother was born with Down Syndrome and a heart defect. The heart defect we can fix, but your brother is always going to be different from you in a myriad of other ways. I don't know what this is going to mean for your life. For any of our lives. It is something we, as a family, are still trying to figure out. I imagine we will always be figuring it out. I hope you love him, protect him, watch out for him, and guide him as only a big brother can. I think he is going to be a lucky boy to have you as his brother.
My sweet, crazy boy...I love you. I'm so glad I get to be your Mom.
Love,
Momma

Family of Four

2011-08-23T22:50:00.000-04:00

It's 2 AM and I am sitting in my living room, listening to my dog snore on the couch and timing contractions. I've been having them off and on since 5 AM yesterday, but it wasn't until about an hour ago that they started showing any kind of pattern. I am reluctant to say, "This is it." But maybe...just maybe it is.

I have done a terrible job of documenting the end of this pregnancy. Poor second child. Poor worn-out Momma who just doesn't have the brain power to grow a human, take care of a toddler AND blog about it all at the same time.

There goes another one. Only 5 minutes apart now. Guess it's time to go wake the husband.

Good LORD these are painful. Too bad I can't request my epidural ahead of time!
I just hope this is it.

Ed. note: It was it! Samuel Dean Norton. July 28th. 10:21 AM. 6lbs 10ozs. 19inches. Life forever changed.

Big Boy Bed

2011-06-04T09:38:00.000-04:00

Travis' mom came for a visit a few months ago. During her time here, she waved her Grandma wand over our house and all sorts of things appeared. Due to the explosion of Tonka trucks and shovels and other outdoor toys, it now takes Travis a good 10 minutes of cleaning up the backyard before he can even start to mow the lawn. Inside the house, baby clothes reappeared from their exile to the garage and were lovingly sorted into a dresser in the guest/baby room.
(If you don't have a mother-in-law who is a force of organizational wonder, I feel sorry for you. Not sorry enough to loan out mine...but sorry enough to shake my head in pity for you.)
She also sent Travis and I to IKEA on a mission to find Luke a Big Boy Bed (a BBB). After our earlier back and forth over what to do about Luke's room, we had finally settled on a new sleeping arrangement. We rearranged the furniture in the guest bedroom and cleared out the closet, so that there would be room for the crib and rocking chair. We have guests a few times a year, but mostly it is an unused room, so we decided to keep Baby Boy #2 in there until he's old enough to share a room with Luke (or we get a bigger house! Ha! ONE day...maybe). He can always bunk with us in our room in the bassinet or pack-n-play when we need the room for guests.
With the crib moving to the guest room, we decided to go for a full sized twin bed for Luke. I wasn't certain when we would make the transition, but my husband and MIL thought we should try it out that very weekend! I was skeptical that it would work and I was hesitant to mess up a good thing, since he's been so easy to put down for naps and bedtime in the past 6 months or so. But I was wrong. He took to the BBB like a champ!
We settled on the Tromso twin sized bed from IKEA and it has really been an easy transition. We put his bumper pad on the rails that line three sides, and then added an extra rail on the open side. It still feels a little like a crib, but he can climb in and out on his own because it's so low to the ground. He still looks crazy-tiny in that big bed, but he seems to like it. And while he still hasn't figured out how to open doors on his own, when he gets up in the morning, he justs plops down in front of the door and bangs on it until someone comes to set him free.

Of course, there have been a few set backs along the way....like we found out a couple weeks ago when we went to check on him after he had been particularly stubborn about going to bed one night.

But 99% of the time, he sleeps in the actual bed and not the chair.

I think.

Go, Travis, Go!

2011-06-03T10:38:00.001-04:00

The online magazine that Travis started writing for has gone live. Check him out!

modernparentonline.com

Dad's Perspective

2011-04-29T14:07:00.005-04:00

Travis has recently started writing articles for an online parenting magazine. It's not yet gone live, but in the meantime, I'm posting his articles here. Welcome to the Dad's Life!

Here we go again. My wife is now 26 weeks pregnant with our second child, our second boy, and I already feel bad for the little guy. Not even out of the womb and the kid is getting neglected by me. I admit that I don’t give him near the attention I gave to his older brother at 26 weeks. I’m an oldest child myself, and for years I’ve dismissed second child complaints as nothing more than childish whining. But as much as it pains me to admit it, I’ve come to the realization that all these gripes from second children are, in fact, based in reality.

At this point during my wife’s last pregnancy, I was pouring over the books with her. Our favorite being What to Expect When You Are Expecting. We took regular pictures of her belly’s expansion with the discipline of scientists. Every craving, every cold, every bodily change was chalked up to the pregnancy and analyzed with care. But now, for this second time around, a cold is just a cold and we take pictures when we think about it. More often than not, I’ll suggest that we do a belly photo shoot, and my wife will give some excuse that she hasn’t showered yet or whatever, and the pictures aren’t taken.

Last time we were putting the finishing touches on the nursery by week 26. The green paint still in our hair, the cute animal pictures hung with care. This time? Well, we bought our son a big boy bed and moved the crib into the guest bedroom. No painting, no furniture, nothing new for the second child. We’re more practical this time. We know one of us will be charged with the overnight shift, and if this second child happens to sleep during those wee hours, we want a bed to try to catch a few zzzs on ourselves. No more trying to make due on the couch for us. The second child doesn’t get a nursery. He gets to hang out in the guestroom. A room made for us, not for him.

Like I said, I feel bad for the kid.

I know our second child won’t get the attention of our first. His first smile and laugh will be cute I’m sure, but he can’t help not being the first baby to reach those milestones in our family. We’ll probably be holding him back from crawling and walking rather than encouraging him. We know now that the better he moves the harder our life becomes!

Yet, there is something that this second child will have that gives him an edge in life. He gets an older brother, a sibling, a playmate right out of the gate. I can already see that my oldest child is under stimulated some days. But our next child will have someone there to imitate, to learn from, to laugh at. He might not get all the attention he deserves, or wants. He may end up complaining that his older brother had it better. But if he’s like most second children I know, he’ll be better with people, easier to get along with and less demanding than firstborns, like myself. In the end the pros and cons will work themselves out, and regardless, I get two boys for epic living room wrestling matches. And they’ll be able to team up on dad.

2nd Child Syndrome

2011-03-31T11:37:00.002-04:00

Pretty flowers in a clutter free room.
Neither have survived.

When I hit the 20 week half way mark of this pregnancy a few weeks ago, my sweet friend Carrie sent me some flowers to celebrate. She had done this same thing when I was pregnant with Luke. Recieving these flowers the second time, it put into sharp contrast just how different life is now and how priorities have shifted. That first time, I remember getting home from a long Saturday teaching swim lessons all morning, and spending all afternoon at IKEA, with a car full of boxes that would become the nursery room furniture, to find these beautiful flowers waiting for me. This time, I had Luke on my hip, my pajamas still on, and a messy den full of toddler destruction behind me when the flower guy showed up.

Looking back now, I'm amazed at how on top of things we were with getting the nursery ready. By 20 weeks, we had dismantled our spare room, painted the room, installed the chair rail, and had half the furniture assembled. By comparison, at 20 weeks into this pregnancy, I have done....absolutely nothing to get ready for this baby. It makes me feel really guilty to admit that. It's obviously not an indication of how we feel about Baby #2, but it's hard not to compare.

My problem is two-fold. First, I know that we basically have everything we need (except for some of those adorable tiny diapers) in our house already. Granted, a lot of it needs to be washed, sorted, and unpacked from the garage...but at least it is here. This is a big perk of having a 2nd boy at practically the same time of year as the 1st. So far, my nesting instinct has not manifested itself in feeling the need to get to this sorting task, but I trust that it will come in a manic phase one day.

Secondly, we can't decide what to do about Luke's sleeping arrangement. Should we convert our guest room into his "big boy room" and leave the nursery as is for the new baby? Do we leave Luke's room as his room, and just move the "baby" stuff over to the guest room? Should we let him stay in the crib or should we buy a toddler bed (or is a toddler bed a waste of money and we should just go ahead and get a regular twin?{Also, if we lose our guest room, what will we do with Grandparents and friends? Should we get a bed with a pop-up trundle or something equally as handy?} )? If he stays in his crib, do we get another crib for Baby #2 or do we just get a bassinet to tide us over until Luke is ready to give up the crib?

SO MANY QUESTIONS.

I have no idea what the answer is to any of them. Luke is a pretty good sleeper these days, and he is really easy to put down. I'm afraid that will go away if he has the ability to get out of bed by himself. I really don't want to buy another crib, though. I also hate the idea of doing any kind of transition for Luke after the baby comes because I have a feeling my sleep-deprived self will not tolerate the transition any better than he will. So, how early is too early to try sleeping in a bed for a toddler? If you go for it and it doesn't work, what do you do?

Being a middle child myself, I know that these things will work themselves out and we won't be scarring anyone for life if we take a while to get this right. It would be nice, however, if there were cut and dried rules for how to make these kinds of transitions.

Also, speaking of transitions: potty training. My list of questions/deliberating on this one is twice as long as this whole bed thing. Sigh. It's always going to be something, isn't it?

How did this happen in just one year?!

2011-03-18T22:37:00.000-04:00

March 2010

March 2011

I can't believe this little boy that runs around my backyard collecting sticks is the same as the little guy who wasn't even sitting up on his own this time last year. Will it always go this fast?

6 month stats had him at 15% in weight. 18 month stats had him at 92%. We've come a long way from that skinny little guy who couldn't seem to gain any weight! Also up to 79% in height. He's kind of solid.

19 weeks done....21 to go!

2011-03-11T16:02:00.000-05:00

Don't worry. I took pictures in the original pose, too. Travis has decided to show the progression of my belly along with the Saucer Magnolia in our backyard, so we take two sets now.

Also...if you haven't discovered http://www.picnik.com/ or updated your Picasa recently...do so! It's good times.

And the answer is...

2011-02-21T21:29:00.000-05:00

1st (real) Haircut

2011-02-13T09:29:00.000-05:00

Luke got his first haircut from a professional (read: Not Dad hacking away at stray curls in the bathroom) last week. I wasn't there, but apparently, he took it like a champ.

My favorite part of the video is right at the end, where he gives a very subtle sigh. My boy. Such a martyr.

So, I maybe whine a little...

2011-02-13T00:40:00.001-05:00

Ok, can I just be honest here? I have spent weeks trying to mentally compose a post about this new baby, but nothing is coming. It makes me feel bad that maybe I'm not documenting this pregnancy and my feelings about it like I did with Luke (Based on what everyone says, and my own experience as a 3rd child, I should get used to this feeling). But I just don't have the gushy, new pregnancy blogging glow thing happening this time...So, here are the basics:

Did we plan to get pregnant again? Yes (...and no, we are not Catholic. Most siblings are about 2 years apart, right? It keeps surprising me how many people give us a hard time about this)
Am I excited we got pregnant? Yes. Am I nervous? Yes.
Do I already love this tiny little being with its wicked fast heartbeat? Yes
Was the morning sickness worse this time around? OHMYGOD Yes
Have I had some of the same slightly irrational anxiety I did about having a healthy pregnancy/baby? Yes. In fact, it's worse this time.
Do I care if it's a boy or a girl? Surprisingly, I don't. I thought I'd for sure want a girl this time, but it would just be so much more convenient if it were another boy. That being said, I feel like I will be 100% OK and excited about whatever it turns out to be.
Due date: August 3rd. Luke will be 23 months old.

For the last few weeks, I have been obsessed with the idea of going on vacation. At first, I humored myself by looking at nice vacation homes on the coast. Then it was on to lavish hotel rooms or cruise deals on travel websites. By last weekend, I had mentally planned a 2 week vacation in the Virgin Islands. All of which hit the same two roadblocks. 1) I couldn't envision Luke enjoying reading on the beach blanket next to me for hours on end and 2) There is no way we can afford any of that. We have our yearly vacation already planned and budgeted for and quite honestly, there just isn't much left over in a year when we know will we have all sorts of baby-related expenses. (That was a really depressing sentence to re-read.)

I thought all of my travel-lusting was just born out of winter blues, but the more I delve into my psyche on this, I know it has nothing to do with winter. I had a relatively crappy first trimester, and after weeks and weeks of not feeling well, I am finally starting to feel "normal" again. I actually want to eat and I fantasize all day about what I'm going to have for dinner. I'm still in the stage where I can get away with wearing most of my normal clothes and nothing aches yet. I'm still really tired all the time, but something tells me that is not going to change anytime soon. Maybe in like 18 yrs or so. But regardless, I just feel this strong urgency that THIS IS IT. This is my last window of opportunity for me to get away and still be able to enjoy it. I'm beginning to feel desperate for it. It took me almost a year to start feeling like myself again after I had Luke, and I somehow doubt that process will speed up any with Baby #2.

It's not that I am regretting getting pregnant again. It really did feel like the right time to grow our family, and I am excited for Luke to become a big brother. I also decided early on that I would rather have my babies while I am this side of 30. I do not want to be having babies in my late 30's, although you never know with these things, I guess. However, the sooner I am done with midnight feedings and diaper changes, the better. I like sleep.

It's just...well, this is going to sound like I whining. And I guess I am. But being a mom is a lot of hard, thankless work. It changed my schedule, my sleep, my marriage, my freedom. Heck, it even changed my body in ways that I do NOT appreciate. On top of that, being a stay at home mom is so much harder for me than I ever expected it to be. Among other things (liking feeling isolated and resenting doing the bulk of parenting in a day) it makes money so tight for us and I hate that. It messes up all my fantasy vacation planning.
What it all boils down to is that I'm a little worried what it's going to mean to be a mother of two.

Hopefully, my escapist urges will die down soon, and I can settle into the idea a little more smoothly. I wish I was one of those women who handled all of this gracefully, but apparently, I am not.
Oh, well.

But if you need any help planning your next vacation, I'm your girl.

The Purple Shirt is BACK!

2011-01-25T12:56:00.000-05:00

Christmas Recap

2011-01-20T12:11:00.001-05:00

For me, this past Christmas was a mixture of fun and snot. Fun was had by most everyone, and the snot was most definitely had by me. I spent the week before and the two weeks after Christmas fighting a host of germs and maladies that helped me go through about 7 boxes of tissues, 4 cases of Gatorade, 2 nights of fever, and a Z-pak in a pear tree. So, I'll just let the pictures speak for themselves. Not shown, is the great Uncle Sam, who stayed with us the week before Christmas and eluded the camera very nicely, but greatly contributed to the fun of it all.

Christmas morning

LaDue/Norton Family Bowling Extravaganza

Having a moment with Cousin Lisa

Playing with Papa

Matching pajamas with Grandma Lori

The last of the twenties...

2010-11-10T21:26:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday, me!

So, not my best Birthday Photo ever, but an apt snapshot of what life is like these days. Most things get done around here, but not exactly with the same high standards. Luke's ever increasing mobility, plus my going back to work and getting involved in church stuff again, means that my attitude leans much more towards, "Ehh...that's good enough." It works for vacuuming, dirty dishes, laundry, and apparently birthday photo blogging traditions.

I did a much better job getting Luke's birthday documented, so that will just have to do for this year.

Here's to my 29th year: The year of just getting things done.

Work it, Baby!!

2010-11-10T21:16:00.000-05:00

Luke's 1st photoshoot

Weekend Warriors

2010-10-07T11:33:00.000-04:00

A couple of weeks ago, I was fighting the weekend blues. The weather had been unforgivingly hot for months on end this summer, trapping us inside with the air conditioning, and the Netflix Instant Queue had been exhausted...and I was cranky. To say the least.

As a wife of a pastor who doesn't write his sermons until Saturday morning, sometimes our weekends are taken over by work. However, we are usually pretty good about setting aside Fridays as a day off. And on the weekends he doesn't preach, we have a good two days off together. But without any plans, we often would waste the entire weekend in front of the tv; taking turns watching the baby so the other could run errands or get some alone time in. This is fine as an occasional thing, but week after week was really driving me insane. Prior to having Luke, we were much more independent of each other during the day...shopping or putzing around Lowe's. At night, we would go to dinner and a movie, or some other date-like activity. But like everything else about our "typical" lives, things changed once Luke arrived. With most things, we have rolled with the punches and figured out ways to adjust and cope. However, how to spend weekends with a baby, and now a toddler, have eluded us.

Finally outdone with myself and our typical weekend schedule, I conferred with Travis (read: spent weeks getting frustrated and then finally let it all loose on the poor guy one afternoon), and we decided to start planning weekend excursions.

We weren't quite sure what was going work well. Figuring out life with a toddler is kind of a trick, you know? He can walk...but not for very far. He handles the car seat pretty good now, but isn't interested in being in there for very long. He likes exploring, but that also entails putting everything in his mouth still. With criteria like this, it kind of narrows down what we can do together as a family and all enjoy it.

Our first attempt was to visit Crowder Mountain State Park. We brought the Baby Bjorn and thought we'd hike around a little. Travis was in charge of the trail, so I just (blindly) followed his lead. We ended up hiking to the top of Crowder Mountain. While Crowder Mountain really is just an overly ambitious hill, the trail we took was literally like climbing a StairMaster for one mile straight up. I'm glad Travis is SuperDad and was willing to carry Luke the whole time. I had trouble just getting myself to the top (as evidenced by my very red face). No way could I have hauled our chunky little guy.

Also notice long sleeve button down, and puffy hair that's jammed up with a pen because I didn't have a rubber band. I was SO NOT PREPARED for this trail. Thanks, honey!

Our second outing went much smoother. It was a sermon Saturday, and we'd spent Friday doing lawn work, so we needed a shorter excursion. We'd heard about Carrigan Farms from a neighbor, so we decided to check it out. It ended up being a delightful little trip. The weather was finally cooperating with us and dropped down into the 70's, and it was a beautiful day. Our admission price included a hay ride to the patch, getting to pick our own pumpkins, and a petting zoo.

All in all, the weekends are getting better around here and we are finally figuring out how to do this whole parenting of a toddler thing.

In other news, Luke has a temper. So fun.

Actually, not fun at all. Before you know it, he'll be slamming doors in my face.

Aren't kids great?!

High School Reunion, Skipped

2010-09-11T23:08:00.001-04:00

High school has been on my mind recently. To begin with, I recently discovered Sarah Dessen, and I've been plowing my way through her books the past two weeks. She is a YA author and writes mainly about teenage girls and all the chaos that surrounds that time of life. I LOVE them. (It doesn't hurt that she shares my great love of Friday Night Lights AND Gilmore Girls. She also lives in North Carolina. The more I learn about her, the more I'm beginning to wonder if she is the girl version of my soul mate.) I just finished The Truth About Forever and I've been wishing I had a sweet high school relationship to look back on all day. My experiences with high school romance revolved mainly around unrequited crushes that lasted for years at a time, before finally crashing and burning, usually in some typically over-dramatized teenage fashion (That's right, John Hreha. I'm talking about you. French Lick, Indiana. High school ski trip. Broke my heart. Not sure I've forgiven you for that one, yet). My first legit date didn't happen until just weeks before graduation, which is just lousy timing all around. Not the stuff of swoony YA fiction. Oh well, life certainly got better from that point on.

The other, much more predictable, reason behind the reminiscing is that my 10 year high school reunion is happening back in Tennessee as I type this. For many various reasons, I chose not to make the effort to go back to Tullahoma for the reunion. Most of the people I'd like to see and catch up with were not able to attend, and if I am honest, the only reason I'd be there tonight would be to people watch. To compare and judge, feel inadequate and bring up all those lovely high school feelings all over again. Although, I do admit, it would be nice to see the beer bellies in person. Facebook, I'm sure, doesn't do them justice....One of the few instances of pure justice in this world, when those guys end up with a gut the size of Mississippi (and we all know who those guys were).

When I was graduating from high school, I just knew that nothing would keep me from coming back in 10 years to see everyone. And yet, here I sit, on my comfy couch with my pjs on, miles and miles away from the reunion, and totally content with that outcome. The farther away I get from high school, the less important it all seems. I wasn't a social outcast. I wasn't popular. I was a nerd and an overachiever, and I spent most every weekend staying in. I didn't have a boyfriend, didn't drink alcohol until college, never broke curfew, spent a ridiculous anount of time at church, and generally did what I was supposed to do. I have never felt like I had a typical high school experience, but I'm not sure I would change it, if given the chance.

I haven't kept in touch with many people from my graduating class. If it weren't for social media, I would only know the whereabouts of maybe 4 of them. High school just wasn't where I ever found a niche. Going away to college ended up being the smartest decision I ever made. Now that reunion I may make an effort to go to!
So, how about you? Did you go to your 10 year class reunion? Was it worth it?

Year 1, Survived!

2010-09-03T22:58:00.002-04:00

Dear Luke,

Today is your first birthday. Yay! While I'm sure your birthdays in years to come will most likely involve more craziness, the current Disney It-character, and much more sugar, we celebrated today with the timeless tradition of letting you eat cake with lots of icing while almost completely naked. After being a little hesitant about what exactly you were supposed to do with the giant chocolate cupcake we placed in front of you, with a little help, you finally got the idea and embraced the cupcake with both hands. Literally.

I've spent most of the day reminiscing about what we were doing at that specific time a year ago. At 9 PM last night, I was watching a stupid reality show about crashing cars when I laughed and thought I'd peed on myself, when in fact, my water had broken. At 2 AM this morning, we gave up on starting labor by walking the halls of the Maternity Ward, I took half an Ambien and got the last good sleep I'd get for about 10 months. At 9, your father and I were watching Season 1 of The Office on DVD, courtesy of your Uncle Sam, while I was hooked to an IV that pumped me full of Pitocin. At 3 PM, I was READY for an epidural. At 4:00 I was REALLY READY for that epidural to start working. And finally, at 5:21, you arrived. Cone head and all.

This past year has been so many things. And while exhausting is probably the most apt description, it's also been the most rewarding, exciting, and challenging year of my life to date. I know those are the typical 1st year feelings. I was expecting them and they came just like clockwork. What I wasn't expecting was the real sense of accomplishment I'd feel today. You are one year old today. You have been (mostly) healthy, (mostly) happy, and (definitely) ALIVE for one whole year. You eat well, you learned to walk early, and thank the good Lord above, you FINALLY sleep through the night. And to top it all off, your father and I love you more today than we even knew was possible. I feel like I should be pumping my fist in the air while saying this. 'Cause it truly is an accomplishment, and a blessing, that I get to say it at all.

I can't say that I ever doubted that we'd live to see this day. You weren't a terribly difficult baby, based upon what I've learned from other moms. And yet, making it this far seemed so impossible all those many months ago when you wouldn't gain weight, when you wouldn't sleep more than 2 hrs at a time, when I was so sleep deprived that I turned into a different person. Being your mom was, and is, truly the hardest job I've ever had. There are no sick days, no paid vacation, no mandatory break times...just sore boobs, diapers, and lots of bodily fluids.

But the good still outweigh the bad...and not by just a little. Your personality, that has been showing itself slowly more and more in the last few months, is so stinkin' cute. You are such a happy guy. You love "sneaking" up behind me and shrieking with laughter when you hit me on the back and I react with total shock and surprise. Ever since the day you figured out how to go from sitting to crawling, you have rarely held still for more than a second at a time. Now that you are walking, this had created quite a challenge for me...you are never where I leave you. I feel like I spend all day just following you around.

So, here we are. One year of your life is over. While I don't feel especially weepy over the fact that you aren't a baby anymore and are instead in a dead sprint to toddlerhood, I am overcome with emotion just the same. I am so thankful that I get to be your Momma. That you are so healthy and so happy and so alive. I love you, little man.

And so, for all that, I am celebrating today. Here's to you and me, kid. We made it! Let's eat cake!

Beach Tripping

2010-08-26T22:46:00.009-04:00

When I married Travis, I gained a new family...parents-in-law, more siblings, a nephew, grandparents, and more Mormon aunts and uncles than I can keep straight. You know, the whole deal.
However, along with all those Utahans, I also gained a Phillip and a Jason. And I married into the "Boyz Vacation Week."
Phillip and Jason are Travis' two best friends, whom he met while at Lutheran Theological Southern Seminary. While I was still in college, these three best friends (aka "the Boyz") were learning how to be pastors down in South Carolina. Along with Jason's wife, Carla, they took their first vacation together after seminary on a trip to the Bahamas. From that point going forward, these three guys have taken a trip together every year. As the years have gone by, the original four started to multiple. Along came kids and wives and more kids. And still more kids. Til this year, we numbered 12.
That's right. TWELVE. 6 adults. 6 children. Having joined the group when we numbered 8.5, it's been kind of amazing to see it grow the way it has. And I'm not sure we've put a cap on things just yet...

Stealing crayons. Busted!

So, with twelve people, 6 of whom were 5 years old and younger (two of which weren't even a year old yet), finding a place for "The Boyz Vacation Week" is a tough assignment. Add the fact that we are all pastor families on pastor family budgets, and it makes it almost impossible. The beach is a favorite since it offers free entertainment for the kiddos. Since it was our year to find a location, I stuck with the North Carolina coast and ended up with a wonderful house in Kure Beach. (By the way, I would highly recommend Victory Beach Rentals. The house was reasonably priced, beautifully taken care of, and their customer service was great...even when our house got struck by lighting and half the outlets went out!)

Eating sand. So gross.

The Saturday our vacation started, we were in Kentucky celebrating the wedding of my dear college roommate, Alison. So, while we did a crazy amount of traveling in just three short days...we did the full on planes, trains, and automobiles!...the rest of the crew arrived and set up house for us. We finally arrived at the beach late Sunday afternoon. While it took us a few days to finally settle into the rhythm of beach life, we finally did and we had a wonderful time. Hanging out. Reconnecting. Laughing Hard. Eating Sand. Digging Pools.

...And watching as our son got to meet his future playmates. It is such a gift to have these families in our lives, and I am so glad Luke will have this group in his life for the long haul, if nothing else than to have a whole group of kids his age to will understand, completely and fully, just how awful it is to have your dad preach a sermon about how you didn't clean your room last week.

Welcome to being a pastor's kid!

My first Boyz vacation, St. Augustine, FL. Also, our engagement photo!

My 4th trip, Luke's 1st (if you don't count in utero!)

This Baby Was Made For Walking

2010-08-06T23:02:00.001-04:00

A couple of weeks ago, my oldest sister and her family came by for a whirlwind visit. It was the first time she had met Luke, and to honor the occasion, Luke managed to take 5 consecutive steps. Up until that point, he had tried a step or two...often repeating the same foot, so that he would end up with his legs wide apart, or going in circles. But on that Friday afternoon, he stood up, grinned like crazy, and took off. Since then, he's been testing this whole walking thing out. The past few days, he has stopped crawling when he gets 3 or 4 feet from his desired destination and finishes the rest of the journey walking.

It has been an amazing thing to watch him learn how to walk. It's happened so much faster than I have been prepared for. It feels like the transitions from sitting up unsupported, to crawling, to walking have gone lightening fast. And while I can't say I exactly miss the days of sitting on the floor all day entertaining an infant, I can honestly say I would love the chance to just sit for a while. Instead, I spend most of his waking hours crawling around after him...plucking all the things out of his mouth that he has somehow managed to get his hands on and grabbing him from plunging his hands into Henry's water bowl.
Someone needs to invent a dog-friendly, baby-thwarting water bowl. Smart people, get on that. Pronto.

On Tuesday, Luke turned 11 months old. I cannot believe that to even be possible. But it is. Everyone always says that it goes by so fast. During those 1AM nursing sessions, back when he was just a squalling lump in a blanket, I was very skeptical of that. But now...it's like I blinked and he's starting to look more and more like a little boy instead of a little baby. I remember putting him to bed in his crib for the first time, and now, when I go in to retrieve him from a nap, he literally tries to jump into my arms and there are toothmarks lining the rails of his crib.

He truly is the happiest baby I've ever encountered (minus the teething days, of course). We've had lots of visitors at our house over the past few weeks: aunts, uncles, grandmothers. It's been so much fun to watch them interact with our sociable little guy. I'm not quite sure where he gets it from, but he is never happier than with a room full of people to crawl and climb all over.

We will take our first real beach vacation starting next weekend, and while I know it will be exhausting, I can't wait to watch him interact with the ocean and with the children of our friends...learning new things and still growing up way too fast.

Our Latest Baby Trick

2010-07-19T17:52:00.001-04:00

I taught Luke how to clap this week. This was right before bedtime and he was a little slap-happy, as evidenced by the crazy laughter. I read on Becoming Sarah last week about how her daughter had started clapping and I thought to myself that I should give it a try. It took us a few days, but he caught on pretty quick. Now I'm trying to figure out what to teach him next...the possibilities are endless! Any suggestions? Potty training is probably not going to happen yet, right? But what about changing his own diaper? It could happen.....right? :)

This one's for you Marmie

2010-07-09T14:27:00.000-04:00

Too Cool for Summer

2010-07-01T21:53:00.000-04:00

Four Photos

2010-06-20T22:30:00.001-04:00

Trying new things

Henry making a run for it

"I'm coming to get you!!"

Silly baby.

9.5 months

2010-06-17T16:08:00.002-04:00

Dear Luke,

In the past two weeks, life around our house has changed drastically. The Monday before you turned 9 months old, you suddenly went from sitting by the couch looking longingly after the dog to actually moving towards the dog on your hands, and a knee and foot combo... a fact that delighted your father and surprised the heck out of Henry.

Within a week, your crawl went from a quirky move that got the job done to efficient and lightening fast. I set you down in the living room the other day, while I ran to my room to grab my flip flops so we could go to the mail box. By the time I returned, a mere 10 seconds later, you had made your way into the kitchen and were inches away from your new found favorite destination: Henry's water bowl. So far, you've managed to thwart your father and I's best defenses and actually got your hands on (and in) it a few times. You delight in the huge mess it creates when you try to pull up on it and it dumps water on your lap.

Henry has not been as equally enthralled with all your new tricks, needless to say. But he is a loving, patient furry big brother, who will let you climb over his legs and get in a few hair grabs before he will to lick you from head to toe and then retreat to higher ground. Heaven help the poor dog when you learn how to pull yourself up into his big chair.

And while your crawling has really taken off in the last few weeks, you do not seem content to master just one skill at a time. You are pulling up on anything over 3 inches tall: the couch, my legs, the hearth, the tv stand, the bookcase, your toys. If Henry would let you, you'd pull up on him, too. Within the past week, you've figured out how to do it with walls and the cabinet doors in the kitchen. Not only are you pulling yourself up: you stand up and let go, wildly waving your hands around as your little hips look like they are hula-hooping minus the hoop, as you try to find your balance. This video was taken over a week ago, when you first started. You can do this for 20-25 seconds at a time now.

Baby boy, you are a sweet, outgoing little guy. Your absolute favorite place in the world is church. You smile and squeal, flirt with the little old ladies in the pew behind, and blow raspberries throughout the whole service. You squealed and pumped your little legs all the way up the aisle last week as we made our way up for communion. I couldn't see your face, but based on the reaction of the people looking at us, you were either very excited to go see your dad or you just wanted to let everyone know how great you think life is. Being the product of two introverted parents, we weren't quite expecting you to be such a social butterfly right from the go...but it seems that you are. The world seems equally enthralled with you, too. You are quick to smile and love to laugh.

Luke, my sweet boy, you are growing so fast these days and your personality is such an amazing gift to discover each day. Being with you each day has gotten easier and more rewarding in ways I was not expecting. The first 6 months of being your mother was a hard, hard job. I loved you very much and that helped make the days a little easier, but mostly it was just a lot of work without immediate rewards. I didn't always feel like I was adjusting well to this new phase of my life, this new job of motherhood. There were days when I really questioned if I could be a stay at home mom...not because I missed my career, but because I felt like I was becoming a bad version of myself. Lack of sleep, feelings of isolation, and just the sheer magnitude of the effort involved in keeping you alive, healthy, and happy...it took a lot out of me. But those days seem so far away now. The farther away we get from the 6 month mark, the better I feel. I still get frustrated with being at home alone, and you have certainly pushed me to my breaking point with naps in the past week...but it happens less and less frequently these days. And for that, I am so thankful.

I love you baby boy, and I will tell it to you in person when I see your smiling face that is patiently waiting for me to come rescue you from your crib right now.

Love,
Momma

Things will never be the same again

2010-06-04T13:01:00.002-04:00

Poor, poor Henry

2010-05-31T22:25:00.001-04:00

Remember this?

Well, I think it's cause Henry knew that one day, this was going to happen:

Fixin' Things

2010-05-23T22:24:00.000-04:00

Hi all!

Just realized I had a few posts from earlier this year that I never pushed the publish button on, so if you are getting notices about posts from March, that's why! Sorry! I have all sorts of half-finished posts from the last few months that I've just never gone back to finish. If you need someone to blame, look no further than this guy...he is a demanding boss.

My goal for this week is to capture on film Luke's newest baby trick. He has mastered the Plank position recently in his quest to figure out how to stand/crawl. He does this perfect little baby push-up. I mean, he's really good. Doesn't stick his bum way up in the air like I am prone to do :) Plus, it's pretty adorable.

PW Book Signing

2010-05-19T21:52:00.002-04:00

I always look forward to when the new Bloggies come out each year. They always introduce me to new blogs that I'd been missing out on (and bizarrely enough, let me vote for the girl who used to live down the street from me. Way to go, Kristin!). Last year, they introduced me to The Pioneer Woman. I quickly added her full RSS feed to my Google Reader and I've been hooked ever since.

A few months ago, my sister, Beverly, and I realized that we had a mutual love for all things P-Dub. When her new cookbook came out, my sister purchased a copy for herself and one for me. Since then, she's also indoctrinated our mom, who passed the love along to our other sister and family friends. We are officially a Pioneer Woman family.

When the Charlotte book signing was announced, I could literally hear Beverly's moans of jealousy all the way from Mississippi. My sister is one of those people who really gets into following celebrities that she likes. REALLY gets into it. (Just ask her anything about John Mayer. I dare you. She knows it all.) So, anyway, she was dying that I could go and she couldn't.

I really like Ree and enjoy her work, but I'm one of those people who would normally shy away from a social situation like this. I would never confront a celebrity under any situation, no matter how high my level of respect or excitement. I don't like bothering people....especially people who get bothered all the time. (This, unfortunately, extends to all areas of my life, not just the celebrity-sphere. I have a hard time talking to waiters, receptionists, clerks, etc. I once sat in a car dealership waiting room for 2 hours because I didn't want to go bother the serviceman at the desk...even though they had just forgotten about me and my car had been done after 20 minutes. Sigh. But I'd rather sit there for hours than "bother" someone. Aren't my neuroses just adorable?!)

However, my love for my sister is deep and wide, so I decided it was worth the possible mortification I would endure if I made an idiot out of myself and I made plans to go down to south Charlotte for the book signing. Ree is known for posting pictures of babies that come to her book signings, and my sister was certain that Luke would make the cut, especially if she made him some PW-inspired gear.

So Luke took a bath, donned his specially made onesie and bib, and got ready for his possible internet debut. He's a pretty cute kid, huh? I think so.

That's Ree, way in the out-of-focus background.

Unfortunately, possibly because of my avoidance of these kind of situations in the past, I didn't know that we needed to get there HOURS ahead of time (possibly DAYS?? I never did fully understand how it all worked, no thanks to the Joseph-Beth's website *ahem*) in order to get a ticket. We ended up in Group S (as in out of the alphabet), and because Ree was so gracious and spent time with every person who came by, the groups took about 15-20 minutes to go through. So, even though the signing started at the totally baby-friendly hour of 6 PM, Travis and I did the math after watching a few groups go through and realized it would be well after 10 before we got called. Luke is a really good baby, but there was no way in the world he was going to be cute and personable, least of all awake, at 10PM. So, we snapped some pictures, took a video, and decided that was just as close as he was going to get to meeting The Pioneer Woman. Fortunately for us, he didn't seem to mind. He just wanted a bottle and was asleep before we made it back home. Don't take it personally, Ree!

However, like I mentioned...deep and wide. So I dropped of the baby and the hubs and headed back into Charlotte to wait for Group S to be called. I swiped the onesie and bib off Luke so that Bev's hard work could still be shown, even though I just new I'd get too nervous to really explain why I was carrying around a onesie with a picture of her husband's Wrangler-encased bottom on the back of it.

Finally, at 10:30, we were called and I clutched our cookbooks and my baby garb and got in line. I'll admit that I was really nervous about the whole ordeal. I'm not sure why. I shouldn't have been. Because even though she'd been at it for over 4 hours, she was lovely and gracious and laughed appropriately at the clothes. I really don't know how she did it. I would have been exhausted and cranky after that many hours of strangers talking to me, wanting things from me. But she didn't even show any cracks. Bless her heart.

Showing her the bib that says "Are you gonna eat your tots?"

Smiling despite the fact that my baby had a picture of Marlboro Man's behind on his back earlier that day. That Ree...she's a good sport!

Mission accomplished. That better earn me a year's worth of brownie points, Beverly!

March pictures

2010-03-06T21:51:00.001-05:00

Luke has consistenly been on the lowest curve of the growth chart. Even though he is 6 months old now, he can still wear 0-3 months pants. His tiny butt, even with a diaper on, can barely keep these sweatpants up. Luckily, they fit his head perfectly!

The massive amounts of drool have not slowed, nor have they produced any teeth. Only lots and lots of wet clothes and bibs.

He was too busy looking at the camera to smile...or you know, even look in the right direction. Oh well. I'm sure many more years of picture-taking uncooperativeness are ahead of us.

Eating It Up

2010-02-12T21:00:00.000-05:00

At Luke's 4 month appointment, our pediatrician recommended starting him on solid foods. I had read a little about solid food introduction and knew it was in our future, but I wasn't sure if we'd start it as soon as possible, or if we'd hold off until 6 months. So, when the doctor brought it up, I decided we could give it a try and see how it went, but I wasn't going to stress out about it. The first day, we were on our way to a conference at the beach so we only had a few minutes to try a few bites. Luke wasn't so sure at first, but we managed to get a little down. The next day, though, he gobbled it up and had no trouble figuring out how to swallow it.

It's been great to hand off a feeding to Travis and it's been fun watching them bond over it. They have a system down pat that seems overly messy to me....but it works for them and I have to remind myself to just butt out of it. We did rice cereal mixed with breastmilk or formula for almost a month, and we are now in the process of adding in fruits and veggies. We've tried applesauce, green beans, and prunes. So far, he doesn't seem to be too picky. Although, on the first day of a new flavor, he seems skeptical.

Prunes and rice cereal. Yum. Errr. Maybe not.

Adding the solid food in has helped with lengthening his sleep at night and helped stretch his naps out. Things still aren't consistent, but we've had a few better nights recently, so I am more hopeful than last time I wrote. Last night, he only got up once to eat between 7PM and 6AM. That's all I'm really asking for at this point. I'm thrilled by that and it doesn't even bother me that I know he's getting old enough to sleep longer than that. I don't mind one feeding a night....for now. I'm sure I will change my mind about that soon enough.

In other news...we are getting another pretty snow here in North Carolina. This one has come more as a surprise which makes it more fun to me. Luke wasn't so sure when we took him out in it for a few seconds before bedtime.

Henry, however, is ALL about the snow. As soon as an inch or two is on the ground, he is out there, begging to play. Playing fetch with a snowball is by far his favorite and this just happens to be great snowball snow.

He is now wiped out in his chair and we are getting ready to watch the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. Go USA!

The No Sleep Monster

2010-02-04T16:25:00.000-05:00

Dear Luke,

You turned 5 months old yesterday. You are a smiling, goofy baby that I grow to love a little more every day. However, there have been days in the past month when I wasn't sure we were going to make it this far. The days when the lack of sleep overwhelmed me and turned me into the worst version of myself. Days where I snapped at your father, hated your dog, and generally wanted to punch people in the face for just looking at me. I have never been a person that was prone to violence, even under the most extreme cirumstances, but I have had long, detailed-filled fantasies about literally kicking your father out of bed or punching him in the back while he slept next to me. I love your father very, very much. He is my best friend and has been an excellent partner in this whole parenthood gig. However, he has the ability to fall asleep in about 35 seconds after the time he closes his eyes. This is a skill I desperately covet, envy, and loathe in him. It regularly takes me 20-30 minutes to fall asleep on any given night. I had naively thought that the exhaustion that comes with motherhood would help shorten that time period, but so far, that has not been the case. Which means, not only does it take me 20 minutes to fall asleep when I go to bed at 10, but also adds an extra 20 minutes to every middle of the night session you and I have. And all the while...your father sleeps blissfully on. Even when he gets up to help, the minute he gets back into bed, he is asleep, and I am left to plot vengeful acts while I will my brain to shutdown long enough to get some sleep in before you wake up again.

Last week, my exhaustion and crankiness had reached new heights...heights that finally convinced me that things had to change. Before Christmas, you had started to sleep in 6 hour stretches and it seem to be getting more consistent. And then, we traveled off and on for about 2 weeks and that was the end of that. For the last 6 weeks or so, you would wake up every 1-2 hours each night after midnight, and would only be soothed back to sleep by feeding. I'll admit, I didn't try anything else for very long, since I knew that 5 minutes of nursing would get you back to sleep faster than anything else and I just wanted to go back to bed. I was just convinced this was a growth spurt and it would end any night. But as the weeks stretched on, I had to face the fact that you weren't waking up cause you were hungry...it was just becoming a habit. A bad habit that was ruining my life, my marriage, and my sanity.

Sleep training was not something I was interested in doing, but it was becoming abundantly clear you weren't going to figure this out on your own any time soon. You had gotten the hang of it for naptimes. I can regularly lay you down during the day, and you'll sleep for 45 minutes to an hour without much assistance on my part at all. You've finally overcome your twenty minute catnap stage, and I just kept hoping it would translate into sleeping during the night as well. Alas, it was just not happening...and in the meantime, I was slowly going insane. My mom keeps telling me that the sleep deprivation of new parents in the closest a sane person will come to experiencing a pyschotic break.

So last weekend, we began to let you "cry it out" when you woke up at 1AM, and 2 AM, and 3 AM, etc. The first night was the worst by far, and it has generally gotten better every night since. We are not fully there yet, as you still want to eat at 12:30, and then again at 3:30, before you get up for the day between 6:30-7. But I can see a glimmer of what life will be like when we can put you down at 7 and get a full nights sleep before we hear the funny little noises and gurgling that signal you are awake (or the more plaintive blats that signal we have waited too long to rescue you). And as much as I love your smiling face and fun, new baby tricks, I would greatly appreciate getting a full night's sleep before I get to see you again.

So, if you could get on top of that soon, I'd appreciate it.

Love,

Momma

See Spot Get....Slimed!?

2010-01-13T21:42:00.000-05:00

Vaccines (and I'm going to talk about baby diarrhea, just FYI)

2009-12-04T16:34:00.000-05:00

At the beginning of November, we took Luke into get his 2 month vaccines. And I do mean "we." I made Travis come with cause I knew I was going to have a hard time with all the shots. I don't mind getting shots myself, I'm not squeamish about giving blood, nor do I have trouble with most things medically related. (If I did, giving birth and the subsequent drama was enough to cure me from all phobias. I've never been stuck, prodded, or poked as much as I was that 24 hour period.) Back when I wanted to be a doctor in high school, I even spent the day following an orthopedic surgeon around and watched him amputate a foot. That's right. A foot.
My point is, I'm tough. But watching my sweet baby get stuck twice?! That was too much to handle alone.

The shots ended up not being a big deal. He cried while it happened, but I was able to nurse him right after, and it was like he forgot all about it. We went home and he slept a good portion of the day, which was unusual for him. About 9 that night, which was about 12 hours from his appointment, he had a massive diaper that was really loose. After that, he perked up and went back to his normal routine. But the bad diapers persisted. After about 4 days, I decided to call the doctor and just make sure it was a side effect from the vaccines. The nurse said it probably was something else if it kept going on, and to come in if it lasted for more than a week. Luke was fine and for the most part everything else was normal. However, by the next week, he started to get more fussy and the diarrhea kept happening, so we went in. He checked out totally normal, but the doctor said the rotavirus vaccine may have gotten his stomach out of whack and it just needed a little help to get balanced back out. So, we started adding some probiotics twice a day. We did that for another week with no difference, and we were starting to get green diapers. After checking with the doctor again, she counseled us to continue with the probiotics and for me to cut out diary from my diet.

For anyone who knows me, diary is an important part of my life. I don't eat a lot of meat and I have a great love for cheese. It wasn't hard to stop eating it at first, or so I thought. And then I started paying attention to the labels of things...Milk or "Milk Ingredients" are in EVERYTHING. I thought I'd been diary-free for like 2 days before I realized I was still eating it. After I legitimately gave up all milk, it was much harder. It also coincided with Thanksgiving. And that sucked. No butter on the roll, no mashed potatoes, no dressing, no PIE, no to a lot of things. Yeah, it was hard, and it didn't seem to be making any difference. The bad diapers were persisting, but Luke seemed a lot less fussy, so I kept it up.

Two days ago, we FINALLY had a normal diaper, almost a whole month after the vaccine. I can now start adding diary back in slowly, THANK GOD.

It wasn't a fun month for Luke or I. But now here's my dilemma: We will be going back for his 4 month check-up at the beginning of January and I am pretty sure we are scheduled to take the 2nd dose of the Rotavirus vaccine. But after all we went through with the first one, I'm thinking about asking to not take it. I haven't talked to his doctor about this yet, so I don't even know if it will matter. His stomach may have developed enough that it won't even be an issue, I don't know. I am definitely on the side of giving vaccines to my kids as opposed to not giving them. But the Rotavirus is a little different, don't you think? It's not like a Polio or Hepititus vaccine. It's just to prevent a disease that causes excessive diarrhea in them as babies, and well....a month long case of diarrhea seems pretty excessive.

So, what do you think? Should we continue to get the Rotavirus vaccine? Have you had any experiences with it and bad side effects?

November recap

2009-12-02T16:05:00.001-05:00

November has passed by in a blur, just another month that vanished before my eyes. We were pretty busy with birthdays, picnics at the lake, and Thanksgiving travel. All of which would be a good enough excuse for why I haven't written much, but if I'm completely honest, the real culprit is FarmVille.

The kids in our youth group started talking about it and I decided to see what it was...and poof! I got addicted, and any time I had on the computer went straight to plowing and harvesting and trying to figure out how to make my farm look as impressive as all my neighbors.

But here's some photographic evidence that we did have a good November.

We took the kid and the dog to Latta Plantation for a picnic lunch and short hike at the beginning of the month when the weather was still nice.

Then later, we took our first plane trip with Luke when we visited Travis' parents in Salt Lake City. I was a nervous wreck the entire week before we left. I kept imagining these awful scenarios where he screamed the whole 4 hour plane trip and how people in the adjacent rows started throwing their peanuts at us. In actuality, he was a great traveler and we had no more than 5 minutes of fussiness on all 4 flights, except for the very last 10 minutes of the last flight, when we got stuck on the tarmac at Charlotte Douglas...and really, I couldn't blame him. He'd held up his part of the bargain, and it wasn't fair to get stuck on the plane those last 10 minutes.

I cooked a turkey for Travis' mom using the foolproof* Alton Brown recipe that I swear by.

Luke apparently has developed my slightly shy/anti-social behavior and when confronted with an overwhelming amount of people, he just took a nap. I sometimes wish it were socially acceptible for me to do the same. (And I swear I didn't wear this sweater every day in November)

*Foolproof so long as you check the temperature accurately. I apparently did not, cause it was still a little undone in places. Oh, well. The first two times I used this recipe, it was perfect, so this was definitely a user error and not anything to do with the recipe. The cooked parts tasted good!

Happy Birthday to Me!

2009-11-17T20:30:00.000-05:00

For the last 5 or 6 years, I've been taking a picture of myself on my birthday and posting it on my old blog. It's fun to look back and see how I've changed in the past year. This year is probably the biggest change...I seem to have developed a growth :)

The top picture isn't from my actual birthday, but I looked so tired on my actual birthday(the bottom picture), that I requested a do-over.

Perspective

2009-10-27T13:54:00.017-04:00

Sometimes I forget just how big our dog, Henry, is. To me, he's just Henry.

And after Luke's crazy feeding frenzy/growth spurt last week, I keep thinking about how big he is getting. We go to the doctor next week, so we'll see what he's weighing in at these days. But until then, I guess it's good to keep things in perspective...

Henry is BIG and Luke is small.

We've Kept Him Alive 7 Weeks!

2009-10-22T16:01:00.000-04:00

Things I've learned in the last 7 weeks:

Babies make a lot of noise when they sleep...if they ever sleep
I couldn't ever have a baby without my wonderful husband tag-teaming it with me
It's possible to spend an entire 3AM feeding convincing yourself that said wonderful husband is mean and vindictive, when in truth, he's just asleep and doesn't have the necessary equipment to handle the job
It is indeed possible to spend an entire day in one chair
Baby smiles make up for bad diapers, extra laundry, sleepless nights (and days..), and sore boobs
There is a direct correlation between how much personality I have and how much sleep I've had
That if you don't put the diaper on tight enough, you can end up with a lot more laundry...his clothes, my clothes, blankets, changing table pad, and the boppy pillow cover
Babies don't like being put down. At all. For weeks.
That I would feel incessently compelled to check to make sure Luke was alive multiple times during the night for the first few weeks, and still occasionally feel the need to make sure he is breathing
Breastfeeding is really as hard/frustrating as people say it is
It's possible to go to the bathroom (and wash your hands) while still holding a sleeping newborn on your chest
That after all the work we did in getting the nursery ready, we barely spent any time in there in the last 7 weeks
Babies do come with a manual...at least if they are born in a CMC hospital
Dads have the ability to put together a completely unmatched outfit and still expect you to go out in public with your baby dressed that way
Despite the fact that Luke's clothes are a tenth the size of ours, my dirty laundry pile has increased 10 fold
You can eat, type, and do all sorts of things one-handed
I have the desire to punch people for touching my son without my permission
That I'd get incredible sick of hearing people tell me to "sleep when he sleeps"
It's hard to leave the house now
TV shows on DVD are a new parent's best friend. We covered all seasons of Mad Men, The Office, and Battlestar Galactica (well, Travis did, at least)
It really does get better and begins to feel like maybe it might be worth it all :)

SMILE!

2009-10-20T17:39:00.000-04:00

Group Photo!

2009-10-14T15:38:00.000-04:00

The Lost Month of September

2009-10-11T23:00:00.009-04:00

Since October is a third of the way over, I guess it's probably too late to write a post about how the month of September just flew by. It's probably a safe assumption that I'm going to feel a very similar way about October. It may be safe to assume that's how I'm going to feel about the rest of 2009, actually.
In the 5 and 1/2 weeks since Luke was born, I have spent the majority of my days hanging out in our living room with Luke in some capacity or another. We set up our nifty Pack-n-Play with the bassinet and changing table attachments in the corner, so it's kind of like baby central. (If that thing had one of those water bottle attachments like you use with hamster cages, Luke might have never needed to get out of it. It's like the MacGuyver of Pack-N-Plays.) Up until this weekend, we'd been sleeping on the couch in shifts, so that we could easily access Luke during the night. Now that Luke is a mature 5 weeks old, and we finally had a weekend without any plans that might get messed up if neither one of us slept for 24 hours, we decided to try the whole crib/monitor combo. It's worked pretty well, so far.

While it's still nerve-wracking to put him down, flip the switch, and walk away, it is getting easier. For those first few weeks, we were still figuring Luke out. I really had no idea about how noisy a newborn could be while sleeping. The kid grunts and squeeks all night long.
And at first, I would pop up off the couch at the slightest sound, but over the last few weeks, we've been figuring this kid out. It got to the point where Travis was sleeping soundly on the couch during the night, so it kind of defeated the purpose of going out there. I never slept well on the couch, so it's been a relief to get back to our bed this weekend.

Of course, he still likes to sleep on someone the best.

Travis is really good about taking over during the non-feeding times when he's home from work and kicking me out of the house for an hour here and there. Never have Target and the grocery store been such exoctic locales. We've taken a few outings together with Luke, in what I considered practice runs for when I'd have to do it by myself. In the last month, I've not ventured out much on my own with Luke, beyond taking him to appointments and a few fast visits to church. The first couple of times I went out without Travis, I was a nervous wreck. I had to pysch myself up for at least an hour before hand, even when it was inevitable that I go to something like the doctor's. I just felt like I was leaving the house with an adorable time bomb and I had no idea when, or if, it would go off. And while I am getting to know Luke better and understand and anticipate what he's going to do, I still haven't made it out much. Partly cause I am still nervous, but partly also because it's just a lot more work to leave the house than it is to stay in and watch an entire season of the Gilmore Girls.

However, despite my deep and abiding love for those Gilmore girls, I really need to start getting the hang of leaving the house with an infant in tow. I'm working up towards taking Luke to church in the coming weeks, so I want to feel a little more capable before I have to handle him in front of all those people, who will be watching closely, of that I am 100% sure.

Hopefully, he will sleep soundly through it all. I doubt he'll be the only one in the congregation who does. :)

All Hail The Power of the Swing

2009-10-10T12:53:00.000-04:00

Due to our extremely generous family, friends, and congregation, we are a well-stocked baby emporium. Before Luke was born, the only money we spent was on re-doing the bedroom and buying the furniture for the nursery. Now that he has been born, we've bought a couple boxes of diapers. That's it. Every single piece of clothing he has was given to us brand new or as a fabulous hand-me-down. I haven't even bought a pacifier or a box of wipes. We've gotten to use the car seat, stroller, pack-n-play, blankets, bathtubs, soap, and diaper bags that were given to us...and still there are at least 3 dozen other gadgets and gizmos in the nursery just waiting for this kid to get old enough to use them.

I've said it many times, but I seriously don't know how people get ready for a baby without being a pastor's wife. We are truly blessed.

With the last of the gift cards, Travis and I made the trek to Babies'r'Us yesterday to buy a swing. Luke is slowly emerging from the newborn stage where he did nothing but sleep and eat. He's spending more time awake, and will hang out contentedly for about 30 minutes at a time now. It's so fun to watch him checking out the world that we brought him into. However, along with the new awake contented time, there is the awake uncontented time. He's learning how to use his lungs and swing those mighty fists around in anger. And as funny as it is to see him voice his displeasure at all the injustice of being a baby who is well-fed, dressed, clean, and the center of the universe for at least two people, it's not so amusing when it stretches past that 20 minute mark. He likes moving and rocking, so we decided it was time to invest in a swing.

It works pretty well.

At least well enough to give me time to use both hands to type!

Part 3 of the Birth Story, or How I Almost Died

2009-09-21T21:47:00.001-04:00

I've been debating on whether to write about the events that occurred after Luke was born for a couple of weeks now. We were really hesitant to share this part of the story in any public way at first. We never mentioned it on Facebook, nor did we share it en masse with the congregation. I think our reluctance came not from a need for privacy, but from the desire to not freak everyone out when the situation resolved itself rather quickly and I was fine.

However, now that some of the initial zombiness of having a newborn live in your house has worn off and I've had more time to think and gain some perspective on my little medical emergency, I think it may be okay to write about it.

Before I start on Part 3 of this exciting Birth Story, I want to assure you that I am fine. Luke and I were still discharged less than 48 hours after his birth. My 2 week check-up with my Ob/Gyn went well. And beyond the mind-numbing exhaustion of never getting more than 3 hours of sleep at a time, I am physically in great shape and healing fast. I've already lost most of my pregnancy weight and I've worn non-maternity pants 3 days out of the last week. Including jeans that ZIP! and BUTTON!

Okay, now that I've hopefully waylaid any potential fears about my health, I'm just going to go ahead and be dramatic, cause there are hopefully going to very few times in my life that I get to say this...But about an hour after delivery, I almost died. Luckily, I was so out of it that I didn't have to deal with the panic of that reality until a couple of days later. When, unluckily, I was pumped full of outrageous hormones that made me cry. A lot. All the time. It was fun for everyone.

Now, however, I am feeling better and have lost about 5 pounds of extra hormones, so it's not so hard to revisit those scary hours anymore. So, here we go...

After Luke was born, and they had taken him to get cleaned up, things progressed normally for me. The placenta was delivered and I got all "repaired" without any complications. They turned off the epidural and took out the Pitocin drip. I was really looking forward to getting a nap and getting to hold Luke again. My mom had managed to make it to Charlotte just about the time of the birth, and we finally got her text messages at this time and rescued her from the waiting room. She came up and got to meet Luke before he went to the nursery for his bath.

The plan was to let my legs wake up, and as soon as I was able to stand long enough to get to the bathroom, we would be moved to the postpartum wing. Luke was doing well and we were planning on keeping him in the room with us as much as possible.

My left leg was having a hard time waking up. Even after the epidural had been off for over an hour, I still had no control over it. So, as I laid around waiting for it to get feeling again, I began noticing that my bleeding was happening in these little gushes.

I knew that there was going to be a lot of blood, even after the delivery. The nurses, obviously, prepare you for it and help you take care of it all. They gave me instructions to let them know if it felt like I was soaking through the pad they had placed under me. With these little gushes, I kept having to tell whatever nurse was coming in about it so she could help change the pad. Eventually, it began to be too many pad changes and the nurses began to worry. My doctor was still with another patient, so they brought the nurse midwife who had delivered me back in to exam me. The top of my uterus felt nice and hard and everything seemed to be completely normal. However, after another few pad changes, they were still worried. So they did another exam and checked my uterus for clots. They did this a couple of times, but everything seemed to be clear. I appeared to be clot-free, and there didn't seem to be any piece of the placenta left behind, or any other "normal" complication.

So, they tried to reassure me and helped me turn on my side so that I could rest. The nurses kept monitoring the bleeding, and eventually my doctor made an appearance to check in. As I rolled over to my back to get more comfortable, I felt a much larger gush of blood. As I looked down, I could see an alarming amount of blood flood onto the bed. And it didn't stop gushing. After this point, my clarity on the time line and events gets a little fuzzy. I know that all of a sudden, my bed was flattened and the room got crowded with people. I was incredibly hot and sweaty. I don't know exactly what all was happening below my neck, but I know I was hyper-focused on getting Travis to wipe my face with a cold cloth.

While I keep calling this whole situation scary, I wasn't really scared at the time. I think I was too out of it to really process the seriousness of what was happening and what could potentially happen if they couldn't figure out why I was bleeding. But I know it was a really scary situation for Travis and my mom. (And also apparently for the rookie nurse that was in the room who didn't know how to put her game face on. Both my mom and Trav noticed her and didn't exactly appreciate her panicky looks.)

And while they had turned my epidural back on and started pumping me full of drugs, all the poking and prodding on my stomach hurt so bad. I didn't have any response except to moan. That's all I could do. Just moan and close my eyes. My blood pressure was dropping like crazy and my heart rate was through the roof. Apparently, my BP got down to 50/30 and my heart rate got up to 160 and stayed way up for many hours. I couldn't see the bleeding anymore, and beyond the ceiling tiles and glimpses of Travis' face every once and a while, I couldn't keep my eyes open long enough to see anything, so I wasn't really aware of what all was going on.

They tried a lot of things, but they were still uncertain why I was bleeding when everything seemed to check out ok. I know they used the ultrasound to check my uterus for any tears or placenta pieces, but that didn't turn up anything either. At some point, and honestly, I have no idea when they came to this conclusion or how they did, they seemed to decide that the bottom half of my uterus was not contracting the way it should. My doctor made a point of coming to my side and talking to me about what they were going to try and what the consequences would be if it didn't work. They were going to insert a balloon into my uterus and slowly fill it with liquid until it put enough pressure on the bottom part to stop the bleeding. If that didn't stop the bleeding, we were heading to the OR. I don't remember being scared by this, but I do remember thinking that it was going to be a pain to recover from that and how I was dreading being stuck in a hospital bed for a long time.

I didn't exactly have a lot of perspective at that point in time. Obviously. No thoughts about losing my uterus at 27 or what might happen if you just keep bleeding and bleeding. No panic about leaving my brand new son without a mother. Just focused on the inconvenience of recovering from surgery. Maybe for once, my ever present pessimism wasn't working and my brain didn't even go to the worst case scenario. I wish I could have granted that oblivion to Travis and mom. I'm sure they were way too aware of the seriousness of the situation.

After this point, the story speeds up and loses it's gloominess. The balloon worked like a charm. My bleeding slowed dramatically and within a few hours was back to normal. After having a blood tranfusion later that night, my BP came back up and my heart rate eventually slowed. Within 12 or 14 hours, I was moved to post partum, and 24 hours later I was cleared for take off. The first 24 hours after the crisis were incredibly uncomfortable...lots of failed IV attempts, BP checks every 15-30 minutes all night long, compression booties that made a lot of noise and were hot and uncomfortable, catheters, and my left leg didn't wake up until almost 36 hours after the epidural was turned off. But it was only 24 hours, and I survived.

It was not exactly the post partum experience I was planning for, and unfortunately, there isn't anything from stopping it from happening again. They'll be able to treat it more aggressively and plan better if it happens next time, but there doesn't seem to be any explainable reason for why it happened at all.

But that's it! I bounced back so much faster than I thought I would physically and I finally was able to process all of this...at least as much as I cared to. I don't really want to spend too much time dwelling on the what-if's since we were so blessed to get such a great outcome.

So no more birth stories. But there is this pretty adorable baby who lives with us now who I am sure will provide much fodder for writing.

Adorable

2009-09-21T21:41:00.001-04:00

First days at home

Still haven't gotten a good picture of the dimple, but this kid has my heart.

Birthin', Part Two

2009-09-19T13:26:00.000-04:00

I spent 9 months thinking about, obsessing about, worrying about, and anxiously awaiting the moment our baby would be born. I read the book the doctor gave me, I read the books my neighbor gave me, I read the books I found at the library, I read the books everyone told me I had to read. And yet, surprisingly, I wasn't quite prepared for what it was going to be like.

(Ok, so that was me being sarcastic. It's been 3 weeks, I can laugh about it now. Almost.)

As I said before, I really wasn't mentally prepared for what unmedicated labor was going to feel like. I'd read about making a birth plan, but in all honesty, I didn't have really strong feelings about how I wanted to give birth. I knew I didn't want narcotics, for various reasons, and I knew I wasn't against having an epidural, but beyond that, I was fairly ambivalent about it. So, when the contractions started to get serious and things with the epidural went haywire, I kept thinking about how I'd failed at this. It wasn't an overwhelming sense of failure, but more of a regret that I hadn't taken it seriously enough. As I sat hunched over that pillow, trying desperately to breath through the contractions while they messed around with the catheters, I just went inside myself. I spent most of the time with my eyes closed, trying to remember to breath, and holding onto Travis' hand for all I was worth. It was a swell way to spend an hour or two.

The epidural did finally take affect and I was more than ready to take a nap. I had slept really badly Monday and Tuesday nights, and after staying up all night Wednesday, I was beyond exhausted. The nurses assured me that it would be a couple of hours and that I should get some rest. About 20 minutes later, I began to shake a little. I knew it was a side-effect of the epidural, and they weren't bad, so I just casually paged the nurse to ask for a blanket...but not to hurry. Also around this time, I noticed that the pressure I had been feeling in my pelvis had moved to my bottom. It was only intermitten at first, but over the course of about 20 minutes, it became constant. It wasn't painful, just weird. Travis had returned at this point and given me a blanket, so I wasn't as concerned that the nurse hadn't come by. However, I began to wonder just what the pressure could mean. At this point, I had to remind myself that I wasn't inconveniencing the nurses by asking them to come into my room. The hospital had a one-to-one ratio for labor and delivery nurses to patients, so it's not like I was prying her away from someone else. So, I pressed the button again, and asked to have her come by. She was apparently unavailable, so another nurse came into to check me. She did a quick exam and laughed. Apparently the pressure I had been feeling...well, that pressure was a baby. She said it was time to push and she went to get my nurse.

It was surreal. After all those months, and after such a long day, the time had finally come. I was so overloaded at this point that I wasn't really emotionally processing any of it. I remember thinking, though, that I had really been looking forward to that nap. Oh, well! It was showtime.

Pushing ended up being a lot easier than I thought it would be. With the epidural, I wasn't feeling the contractions at all, and I was worried I wouldn't be able to push very well. But it wasn't hard, at first. Then I started to shake uncontrollably. The shivering had been fairly light earlier, but it kicked in hardcore about the time I had to push. It was awful. I couldn't believe after all that had gone on that afternoon, that I was still going to be thwarted. My jaw was killing me cause I kept clenching it to deal with the shaking. I even had Travis try to massage it because the pain was so distracting. It zapped all my energy to push.

However, despite the shaking, I was still able to deliver within 30 or 40 minutes. My doctor happened to have another patient who was delivering at the same time, so a midwife that was part of the same practice came in to help deliver. At that point, I really didn't care who down there. I just wanted to stop shaking. After all my worrying about the pain of giving birth, I never expected that the one thing that would wear me down was shaking.

So, with a little coaching and a lot of encouragement, Luke James Norton was born at 5:21 PM. He was and is perfect. All 10 fingers and all 10 toes, cute dimple in his left cheek, and a little Travis-esque face. After all those months of carrying that baby around and then giving birth to him...the kid looks nothing like me. Where's the justice in that? Oh well. If he can't look like me, at least he looks like my favorite person. :)

The Birthin' Story, Part One

2009-09-14T11:17:00.000-04:00

When I went into my 36 week appointment a couple of weeks ago, I had prepared myself for the news that after she examed me, she'd say everything was on track and that I had 4 more weeks to go. My pregnancy has been so normal and textbook, and I had no reason to expect anything other than that...Even though I was very ready to not be pregnant anymore. That cute little belly bump had gotten very big and hadn't dropped yet. I couldn't breath. I couldn't get comfortable. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't wait to meet the baby who'd been lodged under my ribs for months.

So imagine my surprise when I found out that I was already 2cm dilated and 50% effaced. My doctor predicted that the baby was already at 7.5 lbs, and that if he hung out until his due date, I might have a 9 lb baby. *gulp* I knew, and many people reminded me, that I could walk around with those numbers for weeks and it didn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. I was still excited and hopeful that maybe I'd get to be one of the lucky ones who delivers early.

I spent the next week finishing up little (inane, unnecessary) projects that were of utmost importance to my nesting brain and monitoring every little pang and cramp that I felt (or imagined I felt). When my 37 week appointment came around the next Wednesday, I talked myself out of expecting any progress to have been made. And for the most part, everything checked out the exact same. I was 3cm dilated, but everything else measured normal. I was seen by a different doctor than normal, and it felt like his exam was a little...aggressive. He also had the personality of a rock. But as he finished up, he made the bold proclamation that I was definitely going to go early, and he predicted within the next 10 days. I thought he was being cruel to give me such information. I just knew he'd jinxed me into a 42 week pregnancy.

And yet, I still passed along the information to Travis and family. I repacked the hospital bag, took pictures of my belly to see if I could tell if I'd dropped or not, and I anxiously monitored the post-exam cramping I had. Cramping that lasted for at least 6 hrs longer than it had the week before, but still disappointedly came to an end around 5 PM that night. So, I took the dog for a long walk, took a hot shower, and resigned myself to being pregnant forever.

(As an aside, TV has been crappy all summer. I don't remember what we watched last summer, maybe because I worked with teenagers and they had control of the remote, but either way, TV has royally sucked all summer. So, with that disclaimer, I will admit to the following events...) I was watching Crash Course when my water broke later that night. I watched some neurotic couple intentionally flip their car over to see how far they could slide, and it made me laugh. And with that little laugh, I felt a pop and gush and was certain I'd just peed on myself. However, after I realized I had no control over it and that every time I stood up, it kept happening, the butterflies took flight in my stomach. This was it.

Since I wasn't having regular contractions, I knew I was in for a long night. I'd heard many times that once your water breaks, they want you to have the baby within 24 hrs. The doctor made us come into the hospital to get checked out, but I was certain of what had happened. We took our time, packed up our things, got Henry squared away, took a couple of deep breaths, and away we went.

We arrived at the hospital in downtown Charlotte around 11, Wednesday night. Once I'd been admitted and it had been confirmed that my water had indeed broken, I got hooked up to the monitors for a little while. The contractions were almost non-existant, so they sent us to walk the halls for a couple of hours. At this point, it's almost 2AM and we are both exhausted. My contractions started but were inconsistent and weak. So, they gave me an Ambien and told me to sleep. They were going to start the induction at 5:30 if nothing else happened.

I slept hard and before I knew it, they were coming in to start the IV. I'd heard some rough things about Pitocin, but I wasn't having contractions at all at this point and I knew the clock was ticking.

Throughout the morning, my contractions got stronger and closer together, but were still not enough to get things moving. My numbers stayed the same during most of the morning, which was very discouraging. I wasn't comfortable enough to sleep, and I hated being tied down to the IV poll. Around 2, my doctor came back in to check my progress, which was the same it had been. However, she discovered a forebag, which she ruptured, and cranked up the Pitocin again. And after that...whoa, boy. Things got going good. Within the hour, I was begging for the epidural.

(A note about natural childbirth-I'd never made any plans to have a completely natural childbirth. My goal had been to not do narcotics, but to see how long I could make it without getting an epidural. I really hated the idea of being stuck in bed for hours and I was nervous about having the catheter in for a long time. I had a great fear about ripping it out by moving around. After my short time of hard labor, I have a new appreciation for women who can mentally tough out labor without meds. I wasn't mentally or physically prepared for what it was going to be like and I am grateful for having the option to not feel it.)

The epidural, while a wonder in the end, was quite the ordeal to get done. I got to be one of those lucky women whose epidural doesn't work the first time. My left leg went numb, but not my right leg, nor did the pain from the contractions abate at all. So, now I'm stuck in bed and I'm having these hard contractions, all the while, they are trying to fix the epidural. In the end and an hour later, I had a second catheter put in. This one worked.

Finally, after hours, I got a break. I rolled onto my side to take a nap and sent Travis off to get some food. This would be my last hour of calm for days. If only I had known.

To be continued...

Dreaming of Jeans

2009-08-23T21:43:00.000-04:00

Around 4 AM this morning, as I was laying in bed, trying to will myself back to sleep after getting up to pee for the second time already, I found myself fantasizing about hoodies. And long sleeved t-shirts that are too big but oh so comfy and warm. Wearing my brown leather belt again. Shoes that just easily slip on and off. Shoes that don't leave indentions in my swollen feet. And jeans...jeans that button AND zip up.

I spent a long time thinking about jeans.

Sigh.

I'm ready to not be pregnant anymore.

I want this baby and cold weather to get here fast.

36 weeks

34 weeks versus 36 weeks

Week 34...and the shirt loses

2009-08-07T18:33:00.000-04:00

No hiding that belly anymore.

You and Me

2009-08-06T22:43:00.000-04:00

When I went to my first prenatal appointment, they handed me this packet full of information about vitamins, childbirth classes, pediatricians, lists of things to do and time lines to get them done in. I excitedly looked through the packet and then realized it was going to be months before any of it was even applicable. I practically glued the sheet of tips of how to deal with morning sickness to the fridge, and put the rest away in a drawer. Well, a couple of weeks ago, I discovered the packet again, and realized I was kind of behind on everything. Apparently, I was supposed to be doing more than basking in the glory of a lovely second trimester.

I have had such an uneventful pregnancy up until this point, that I have been pretty laid back about most things. I've been having a lot of fun doing the nursery and getting that part done, but I just have been lazy about the rest of it. So, sufficiently ashamed, I dutifully picked up my packet and got on top of things.

I made appointments for the hospital tour, childbirth classes, and interviews with a pediatric clinic nearby. Last Sunday, Travis and I made the trek down into Charlotte to see the hospital where we will be delivering Baby Boy Norton in a few short weeks. Because the OB practice I've been using is a satellite clinic of a large Charlotte practice, we have to drive to downtown Charlotte to the main hospital for the birth.

The tour was pretty much what I expected it to be. It was most helpful just to get practice driving there and learning which door to go into depending on what time you get there. However, there was a moment, when we were standing in one of the labor & delivery rooms, that it all became very real to me. That one day, in the not so distant future anymore, that we will be in one of these rooms under vastly different circumstances. The nurse giving the tour was fielding questions and covering the basics of what happens where and when, while we checked out all the equipment and eyed the flat screen TV. (I'm totally packing every season of Gilmore Girls in the hospital bag to watch to "distract" myself. If I have to suffer, so does Travis.)

While giving her spiel, she made a special point to mention how many non-medical people would be allowed in the room at a time. (If you are curious, it maxes out at four.) And that was the moment for me. When I looked at Travis and realized, it's just going to be you and me doing this. Our parents are too far away, my sisters, my best friends, anyone I'd remotely think about letting in the room, even for a little while...they are all too far away. It's just going to be me and him. I had no grand plans to have a party in there, nor any real inclination to have anyone other than Travis in there to begin with. But still. It was a sobering moment...but in a good way.

You and me. We can do this.