February 13, 2011

So, I maybe whine a little...

Ok, can I just be honest here? I have spent weeks trying to mentally compose a post about this new baby, but nothing is coming. It makes me feel bad that maybe I'm not documenting this pregnancy and my feelings about it like I did with Luke (Based on what everyone says, and my own experience as a 3rd child, I should get used to this feeling). But I just don't have the gushy, new pregnancy blogging glow thing happening this time...So, here are the basics:

Did we plan to get pregnant again? Yes (...and no, we are not Catholic. Most siblings are about 2 years apart, right? It keeps surprising me how many people give us a hard time about this)
Am I excited we got pregnant? Yes. Am I nervous? Yes.
Do I already love this tiny little being with its wicked fast heartbeat? Yes
Was the morning sickness worse this time around? OHMYGOD Yes
Have I had some of the same slightly irrational anxiety I did about having a healthy pregnancy/baby? Yes. In fact, it's worse this time.
Do I care if it's a boy or a girl? Surprisingly, I don't. I thought I'd for sure want a girl this time, but it would just be so much more convenient if it were another boy. That being said, I feel like I will be 100% OK and excited about whatever it turns out to be.
Due date: August 3rd. Luke will be 23 months old.


For the last few weeks, I have been obsessed with the idea of going on vacation. At first, I humored myself by looking at nice vacation homes on the coast. Then it was on to lavish hotel rooms or cruise deals on travel websites. By last weekend, I had mentally planned a 2 week vacation in the Virgin Islands. All of which hit the same two roadblocks. 1) I couldn't envision Luke enjoying reading on the beach blanket next to me for hours on end and 2) There is no way we can afford any of that. We have our yearly vacation already planned and budgeted for and quite honestly, there just isn't much left over in a year when we know will we have all sorts of baby-related expenses. (That was a really depressing sentence to re-read.)

I thought all of my travel-lusting was just born out of winter blues, but the more I delve into my psyche on this, I know it has nothing to do with winter. I had a relatively crappy first trimester, and after weeks and weeks of not feeling well, I am finally starting to feel "normal" again. I actually want to eat and I fantasize all day about what I'm going to have for dinner. I'm still in the stage where I can get away with wearing most of my normal clothes and nothing aches yet. I'm still really tired all the time, but something tells me that is not going to change anytime soon. Maybe in like 18 yrs or so. But regardless, I just feel this strong urgency that THIS IS IT. This is my last window of opportunity for me to get away and still be able to enjoy it. I'm beginning to feel desperate for it. It took me almost a year to start feeling like myself again after I had Luke, and I somehow doubt that process will speed up any with Baby #2.

It's not that I am regretting getting pregnant again. It really did feel like the right time to grow our family, and I am excited for Luke to become a big brother. I also decided early on that I would rather have my babies while I am this side of 30. I do not want to be having babies in my late 30's, although you never know with these things, I guess. However, the sooner I am done with midnight feedings and diaper changes, the better. I like sleep.

It's just...well, this is going to sound like I whining. And I guess I am. But being a mom is a lot of hard, thankless work. It changed my schedule, my sleep, my marriage, my freedom. Heck, it even changed my body in ways that I do NOT appreciate. On top of that, being a stay at home mom is so much harder for me than I ever expected it to be. Among other things (liking feeling isolated and resenting doing the bulk of parenting in a day) it makes money so tight for us and I hate that. It messes up all my fantasy vacation planning.
What it all boils down to is that I'm a little worried what it's going to mean to be a mother of two.

Hopefully, my escapist urges will die down soon, and I can settle into the idea a little more smoothly. I wish I was one of those women who handled all of this gracefully, but apparently, I am not.
Oh, well.

But if you need any help planning your next vacation, I'm your girl.

2 comments:

  1. Who in the heck is giving you a hard time about a 23-month age gap??? Surely it's not anyone whose parenting advice you'd take. I don't know, maybe it is. Still, gimme a break.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey! Love how you feel- only because I felt and sometimes still feel the same way! Motherhood is the best and hardest (do I go as far as to say worst - no, not really - hardest works) I've EVER done.
    Praying for your warm breeze fantasies to feel more real than not! :)
    Penny Zimmerman

    ReplyDelete