January 12, 2009

Disbelief

I really don't believe it. I know that all three tests have confirmed it...but I still don't feel pregnant.

It felt like we had been trying for so long without any positive results, but I know that it really just took the typical amount of time. But 6 months of negative test results were wearing on us. I'd already started to feel resentment toward all the pregnant women I ran across at the swim school. I know that many, many women struggle with fertility, and I was just afraid I was going to be one of them.

When I'd filled out another ovulation calender and realized that my ovulation was probably going to happen the week of Christmas, I made the executive decision that we were just not going to worry about it for December. Advent is a busy time for both of us. Plus, we were leaving Christmas Day for a 5 day trip to Utah to spend Christmas with T's family....in very small cabins we would share with 5 other people. So needless to say, Operation Make A Baby was going to run into quite a few obstacles. And it just wasn't worth stressing out over.

So life went back to normal for a month. I made myself intentionally not think about cycles, or taking my temperature in the morning, and I stayed away from all the baby/conceiving websites. We enjoyed Christmas and had a good vacation. We came back and started a new year with very little fanfare. We both headed back to work and got back into our regular schedules.

This weekend, I began making all these resolutions about how I was going to do a better job at the crazy thing that is tracking ovulation. Sunday afternoon, I broke the hiatus on baby websites and was looking at babycenter.com to see if there was any wisdom out there that I didn't know about. As I was sitting there, I realized I couldn't remember when my cycle started in December. I knew when my ovulation time was supposed to be, so I used their ovulation calender tool and worked backwards. When I finally got the date right, I did the math and realized that I was 3 days late. I was surprised but my immediate reaction was not excitement. I'd been down this road before and it was incredibly disappointing. But...I'm NEVER late. And I knew I had a leftover pregnancy test in the cupboard from the last time I'd gotten my hopes up. So, I thought, what the hell, I'll go take it. It'll say negative and then I can go back to planning for next month.

I took the test and then walked away, determined to not look at it for a full 3 minutes...but that never works. I headed back into the bathroom and there they were. Two pink lines. I watched as they slowly got darker. My brain kind of went spastic and my heart started beating fast. T was laying on the couch in the living room, right where I'd left him just a few minutes ago. After all those months of taking pregnancy tests, I never planned the perfect way to tell my husband I was pregnant. I just never got that far in planning. So, when those two pink lines showed up, I stood there looking at the mirror, flabbergasted, and trying to come up with some brilliant line. My brain wasn't working very well, so I gave up trying. I went and grabbed T, dragging him off the sofa, telling him I needed to show him something. Luckily, he's an obliging fellow and followed be into the bedroom, where I just pointed to the test sitting on the counter.

And that's how we found out we were pregnant.

Amazing.

And even though I've take 3 more tests since then, and they all say the same thing....it just doesn't feel real. I'm going to the doctor on Wednesday, and maybe after hearing her say it, I'll believe it.

1 comment:

  1. When I found out I was pregnant with Alex, it was disbelief (we were told we could NEVER get pregnant). I called my husband and told him while he was in a break of refereeing a football game. He screamed it to the bleachers and they all cheered. It was pretty darn cute...

    The second time with Carly, we had planned on not having another baby. So, there was some major mood swinging going on when I saw two lines. I ran downstairs and flung the test at him... I think it still had pee on it... LOL

    No matter how I told him, we still have two beautiful babies. :-)

    Congrats!

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