November 10, 2008

The Birthday Blog


Is it sad or what that I went to all the trouble of drying my hair, putting on mascara and concealer, and changing out of my sweats in order to not break with tradition?

I'm off to take off the mascara, change into my bathing suit, and hit the road so I can go teach some little kiddos how to swim.

Somehow, birthdays just get less and less glamorous. :)

September 17, 2008

Doctor Blues

Sorry to keep you in suspense. The doctor's appointment yielded very few results, the main one being a heightened sense of frustration. I tried to be a good patient. I came prepared with a complete medical history, including pre and post-op x-rays so he would know where I came from and where it went. I filled out my paperwork thoroughly and gave as much detail as I could in the little spaces. I tried to convince myself that he would be a good doctor who would be willing to listen to my case and understand that I wasn't looking for a quick fix.

But none of that helped. I was a ball of nerves and tangled tongue. When I tried to talk to him when he came in, I kept getting off the rehearsed script I had in my head. And as soon as I gave an opening, he started in. He disagreed with the diagnoss I got from the Mayo doctor right off the bat, and I was so surprised, I just shut down. He talked and prodded, and then tried to sell me on getting orthotics made. I've done orthotics. Many times. Some worked a little, some made no difference. I told him that, but that was still what he wanted to do. So I said ok. I'm willing to try almost anything. I had and still have very little faith that his magic orthotics are going to make any difference whatsoever, but so long as my insurance is paying for it, I'll try them.

In the end, it was a ridiculous office visit. He never saw me walk. When he disagreed with the diagnosis I had, he never gave another explanation for the pain/issue. He didn't even understand until AFTER he'd made the molds for the orthotics that it's only an issue in one foot and not both feet. And the real clincher for me? As he walked out the door, his parting line was, "Don't worry. We'll get you fixed up!"

Blah. It's so hard finding a new doctor.

September 7, 2008

The Foot: The Next Chapter

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. A foot doctor. A new foot doctor.


I haven't been to see a specialist since the beginning of 2006. It took much prodding from husband and family alike to get me to even make this initial appointment, but I finally did it. I went to a new GP two weeks ago so I could get some advice about my back and knee, and to get a referral for a new doctor.


If you've been around a while, you may remember that my foot has the ability to frustrate and depress me like almost nothing else in my life (except maybe this whole new searching for the perfect job thing). I made a decision a while back that I was done messing with it. And I've held true to that decision. I got the modified shoes and just decided to deal with the rest.
The shoes, like I've mentioned before, help a little. They don't take away all my foot pain, but they can make it more likely that I'll have a manageable foot day.
Nothing much has changed in that situation.

It is a hard and scary thing for me to go see a new doctor. After I left Dr. J's practice in Spring 2004, when we'd lost confidence in his ability to handle my situation, I've bounced around from doctor to doctor from all the random places I've lived in the past 4 years. Barring my one visit to the guru at Mayo, I've never been completely satisfied that I've had someone who totally understood the big picture of what was going on.

I'm going to a podiatrist tomorrow, but it's not really directly about my feet. I mean, as my husband pointed out, I should be managing my chronic pain situation instead of just trying to live in denial of it. So, I'm going for a check-up. But really, the reason I'm going is because I've been living with back pain for over a year now and it's showing no sign of going anywhere.
The back pain started back when I lived in Montana. I'd drive to Helena to see Travis, and be so uncomfortable after a few hours in the car, that I'd want to do nothing but lie on the floor until it got stretched out again. It was also during this time that I started having trouble straightening up after I'd been in a sitting position. Especially going from Indian-style sitting on the floor to standing. I'd have to stay hunched over as I walked for a minute or two before the pain would subside.

At that point, it was still very manageable. I knew long car drives, my job at the bakery, and not getting enough walking in exacerbated the pain. So, if I avoided those things, or took decent care of my body, I'd be ok.
However, about a month before our wedding in September of '07, things went from being manageable to being annoying. I spent many hours in the car going back and forth from Tennessee to North Carolina. I was moving and packing and stressing out over wedding preparations. The low-grade lower back pain moved to all over back pain, and muscle cramps in my neck and shoulders.
I attributed most of it to wedding stress (especially that knot in my shoulder!) and trying to do to much when I was moving furniture and boxes around. It got especially bad the week of the wedding, so my kind and loving mother sent me off to a message therapist in Sewanee who spent an hour and a half working on my back and legs. Not surprisingly, she said I was too tight all over, but especially in my hips.
I felt much better after that, and made it through the wedding weekend great. On the honeymoon I pulled a muscle in my neck during our canopy tour, which kick started the back pain and issues all over again. I've been dealing with them ever since.

I know the back and knee problems are coming from my feet, but I don't quite know what to do about it. During one of my many attempts to work with a doctor, I did a bout of intense physical therapy where they tried to "correct" the way I walk. Since my gait changed after my ankle surgery as a kid, I have not had a normal "correct" gait. So for about 14 years now, I've been walking weird, trying to unconsciously compensate for and alleviate the discomfort. The therapy ended up being a painful failure. And the therapist I saw was alarmed at the tightness in my knees and something to do with the tilt of my hips. I don't quite remember all of it. But I do remember her prediction that it was going to have further consequences on my body if something didn't change.

And well...nothings changed. I'd hope the corrective shoe would help, but it didn't stop the strain on the rest of my body. And as the old song goes...
The foot bone connected to the leg bone,The leg bone connected to the knee bone, And so forth and so on. You get the idea. One little toe is messing up everything.
And this is the story I get to tell tomorrow to this brand new doctor. I'm nervous. I'm anxious. I'm worried.
But also, for the first time in a long time, I'm going into this appointment with a different attitude. I'm going to tell my story, I'm going to let him give his opinion, and then I'm going to think about it. Weigh it against what I know about how my body works and what I think is best, and then we'll go from there. I've spent too many years letting others call the shots when it came to this situation, and I've finally learned the hard truth that no one knows my body better than me. I'm willing to try a lot of things, but I'm not going in there tomorrow to walk out with another wonder anti-inflammatory drug and a pain killer prescription. Pain I can handle. I just want more information. I want to know why and I want to know what I can do to stop, or at least, slow down this deterioration.
So, we'll see what the x-rays show, and then I'll start the next chapter in this challenge. Who knows where I'll end up. But already, I feel more empowered just by telling you that no matter what he says, I'm not going to give this appointment the power to send me back into the depths.
Amen and goodnight.

September 1, 2008

Doing Some Mending

Today I will be traveling into Charlotte for Round Three of a job interview. Rounds One and Two consisted of a preliminary phone interview and an hour long face-to-face interview at their facility. Today I will be heading back in to observe and shadow for two hours. If things go well today and they still like me, I will then come back for another session of salary negotiations and signing of contracts.
It's a very intense and complicated process for a part-time job. A part-time job at a Swim School*, where, if I am lucky enough to survive the interviewing process, I will be coaxing toddlers into putting their whole head under water and teaching them the basics of swimming. A Michael Phelps training camp it is not.
I know there are many valid and wise reasons why the hiring process is so long and drawn out, but it does seem a little absurd to go through all this when they haven't even asked if I knew how to swim yet.

Alas, however crazy the whole thing may be, I'm still going with the mind set that I want this job. After spending less than a month looking for a new job, I am already reminded of just how hard it is to find a good job in today's market. As simple as the internet makes sending out your resumes, it makes it harder to know where you stand. I've sent out at least 50 resumes in the last couple of weeks and barring a few rejections letters and phone calls, I have no idea what has happened to the rest of them. It's frustrating.

Right now, it looks like I may be settling for patching together two part-time jobs to make it back up to the salary I have currently. I've never tried to do that before, but I'm willing to give it a try if it will help me get a schedule that is more compatible to the life I want to be leading right now.

I have another interview with an after school program at a nearby church tomorrow. This was the job that initially got me interested in taking a part-time job, but I've had to wait a while for the interview. It's close to home, runs only in the afternoons, and has the same breaks as the school schedules so holidays aren't a problem anymore.

Both the after school job and the swimming job make me feel like I'm not living up to my potential, but I've finally told myself to just get over it. If living this patchwork life makes me happier, my marriage stronger, and increases my ability to minister with Travis, why in the world would I not chase after it?

So wish me luck!

August 16, 2008

Working 9 to 5...I Wish!

In less than 12 hours, I will be on I-77 heading north in my 30-minute commute to work. I've been on vacation for the past week, and the countdown to going back to work began almost as soon as our car pulled into the garage yesterday afternoon. We'd intentionally given ourselves a day at home to relax and catch up after our 6 days in Florida before we both plunged back into work full force. It seemed like a great idea, but now I'm wishing we would have stayed that extra day. I'd much rather be spending these last few hours of freedom being busy unpacking and washing laundry instead of having all this down time to stew about going back to work. I was too productive last night, and now all I have left to do is watch the clock and wish for a miracle.

In the last few months, my dissatisfaction with my job has increased exponentially. When I took this job back in February, I was desperate for work. I was driving my husband (and myself) insane with my neediness, I was bored out of my mind, and I was worrying about our inability to save living off one income. I'd left a job in December of last year and had been without work and without holiday distractions for over a month. When I'd gotten the call from the HR director, I was excited and relieved. There were two drawbacks: 1) It was less money than I'd been paid previously and 2) It was second shift with a once-a-week rotating overnight shift. The money wasn't a real problem, because it was only my vanity that said it wasn't enough. The schedule was indeed a problem, and I voiced my concerns about it to HR and to Travis. We discussed the pros and cons and decided to go ahead with the interviews and just feel it out. Everything else checked out and I was dually impressed with the company's reputation and abilities as well as the people I encountered during the interview process.
So, after much debate at home, we decided I should take the job.
And things were okay for a while. The extra money helped. The schedule seemed tough but manageable. The new skills I was learning at work were challenging and kept my interest piqued throughout the first few months.
It wasn't ideal, for many reasons, but it was good enough.

I don't exactly remember when I turned the corner in my attitude about this job, but it's gotten so bad that even with having 8 wonderful days away from work, I am already depressed and exhausted just thinking about making that drive north tomorrow.

I have been struggling with the scheduling issues for the entire summer. I've missed out on countless opportunities, family gatherings, dinner parties, and youth trips because of work. I've missed my husband, my dog, and my house so much that there were days I went into work not wanting to give 100%, which is not like me at all.

Things came to a head for me about a month ago. After longs talks with Travis, with myself, and with God, I finally realized I couldn't continue with the 2nd shift lifestyle anymore. We are closing in on our one year anniversary and reassessing our life together so far. And while we have fared remarkably well in our first year of marriage, my job was causing problems. This isn't the lifestyle we want. We want to be able to minister together. I want to be a part of his work with the youth group and have the opportunity to be there to support him and encourage him in all that he does. I want to be able to sing in the choir and play handbells. I don't want to turn down invitations and send Travis off by himself to every dinner party, youth gathering, and mission trip.
So, with all this in mind, I went to my boss and the HR director and asked about moving to a different position with a different schedule. Unfortunately, I was met with a brick wall. Without going into the details, I was going to have to bide my time for at least a year in order to move around within the company. We'd set a deadline long ago that something would have to change by the end of this year in order to me to stay where I was.

So, here I am, employed but unsatisfied. I've already started sending out resumes, but that doesn't help the fact that tomorrow I have a 12 hour shift, with a 28 hour shift following it. How in the world did I end up here again?

June 6, 2008

Part Two, Etc.

I haven’t written much about my life in the past year. In fact, it’s almost been two years since I regularly took the time to take keyboard to Word in order to sort out the things roaming around in my head.
I have no excuse really. The explanation is simple. I just stopped trying. It took effort and time to sit down and write. And while I have had the inclination to write often, I never could quite make myself do it. Life offers plenty of distractions these days, and it was always easier to just not.
While I have no excuse, I do have plenty of regrets. The past 18 months have been some of the most exciting, surprising, and life-altering months I have ever experienced.
When I was going through my old posts, in order to get myself back into the swing of things, I came across this one. And it makes me laugh.
See, the thing is this. A little more than a year after I posted that entry, I was fully ensconced in the scene I’d described. I am now the co-owner of a nice little house, in a lovely neighborhood that is currently exploding in summer color and sounds. I worry about our mortgage, our water bills, and whether or not I’m ready to have half my DNA running around.
Life is full of the unexpected. It’s a cliché, I know. But there is no other way to describe what has transpired in those ensuing months other than unexpected.

I was sincere at the time I wrote that post, longing for things I wasn’t ready for. It was August of 2006 and I’d been living in Montana for about 6 months. I’d barely made any friends, I worked odd hours, and had kind of a weird half-existence. I was lonely and a twinge homesick for the South. I felt more than a little lost as I entered this new stage in life.

I thought I had myself figured out, though. I knew I had a thing about commitment, and I knew I was always going to fear being tied down and always wanting to leave for bigger and better places. I knew I didn’t trust myself in relationships. And I knew, I just knew, that the one relationship I had spent the better part of college recovering from was going to haunt me for the rest of my days.

It was about this time that Part 1 of this story took place. I signed up for the Match.com thing because I literally had nothing to lose. In Montana, I didn’t have to worry about seeing anyone I knew in my area. There was no embarrassment factor because I didn’t know anyone who lived within a 1000 miles radius of me.

So, I tried it out. My first attempts at winks and email correspondence were awkward and uncomfortable, but I soon got the hang of it. However, as I mentioned before, living in a remote area of a sparsely populated state, I didn’t run across many potential matches in my age/mileage range. But as I expanded my criteria, more people showed up. I emailed with a few for a while, and even met one of them. It didn’t work out. I received plenty of winks and emails from guys, but most of them didn’t even meet my basic criteria.

But…there was one. He had the corniest tag line ever (Sexy Man of God (from the movie Raising Helen)). But his profile was intriguing. Mostly because he was a cute Lutheran pastor, which were three things that I found exciting, but also because he seemed like the first real “match” that I had run across on Match.com.

After a series of hits and misses, and one overactive junk mail filter, we finally got things going. From that moment on, life became a whirlwind.
He was perfect.
His emails made me laugh, they made me think, they challenged me to dig deeper into myself, and more than anything, they made me want to share myself. I knew he was too good to be true, so I kept pushing for things to move faster. First the phone calls, and then the actual meeting face-to-face. I just knew he was going to end up not being as wonderful as my thumping heart kept telling me.
But my skepticism was all misplaced. Talking to him, seeing him, sitting in a meadow with him watching the sun set....it was all better than perfect. It was surreal.
Never in my life have I been so giddy. I'd call my friends to tell them about this guy, and all I could do was laugh and giggle. I had no words. Even after all this time, I'm not sure I can accurately describe what it felt like to fall in love with Travis. He was and is my soul mate.

And now, life is different from August of 2006. I, never in my wildest dreams, knew that all those longings of my heart could have ever been fulfilled in such a short period of time. But they were. And I also never thought I'd be ready for them that quickly. But I was.
While I love my husband, my cute little house, and my great dog, there is a part of me that yearns for that freedom I used to hang onto so tightly. The wanderlust has not died...and honestly, I'm not sure what to do about that just yet.
For now, though, I am here. And this adventure is far from over.