June 28, 2005

Unsatisfactory Results...

"Sucess will be based on many things including realistic patient expectations."

That's my problem. I didn't have realistic expectations. I naively trusted my doctor when he told me that surgery was the next step in dealing with my problem. I thought I had no other options. I thought it would take away the pain. I thought it fix everything.

It didn't.

Today has sucked on so many levels. I had such great plans for this day off. I really needed a day off this week...a day to recharge and rest and to think. I really wanted to think to day. I know that sounds stupid to say, but I can see that I haven't been processing all the events of this last year in a healthy manner and I really need to get some perspective on it before I can more forward. In my life and my faith and in my future.
I really needed to think today. I really wanted to.

But instead, I have cried all day. I made one phone call this morning to check on some x-rays I have been trying to get up to Mayo for the past month, and it ruined my whole day.
My whole stinkin' day. I've been on the phone with so many doctors and so many clinics. I cried on the phone with my dad, which I don't think I've ever done. I sat in an emergency room for hours to get an x-ray done.
And now, it's late and I'm tired and I have a headache and I still can't stop crying. And I know nothing more than when I started all this mess this morning. No answers, no explanations for the pain, no help in sight. Just more waiting.

My mom said that it's ok to grieve my pain. That it's not complaining and it's not feeling sorry for myself. That it's ok to grieve what I've lost and how my life's changed because of it.

I've been dealing with this pain in some form or another for almost 13 years. 13 years.

I think I'm grieving all 13 years in one day. Leave it to me to try and over-achieve at even this.

It's getting to me. I have tried so desperately hard to be a good sport about this situaiton. I have tried to be patient and understanding and tough. But I can't do it anymore. It's been so bad the last couple of weeks. And I don't know why. If I knew why, then maybe I could deal with it better. I just want to know how to make it stop.

I'm sorry for whining.

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