June 28, 2005

Unsatisfactory Results...

"Sucess will be based on many things including realistic patient expectations."

That's my problem. I didn't have realistic expectations. I naively trusted my doctor when he told me that surgery was the next step in dealing with my problem. I thought I had no other options. I thought it would take away the pain. I thought it fix everything.

It didn't.

Today has sucked on so many levels. I had such great plans for this day off. I really needed a day off this week...a day to recharge and rest and to think. I really wanted to think to day. I know that sounds stupid to say, but I can see that I haven't been processing all the events of this last year in a healthy manner and I really need to get some perspective on it before I can more forward. In my life and my faith and in my future.
I really needed to think today. I really wanted to.

But instead, I have cried all day. I made one phone call this morning to check on some x-rays I have been trying to get up to Mayo for the past month, and it ruined my whole day.
My whole stinkin' day. I've been on the phone with so many doctors and so many clinics. I cried on the phone with my dad, which I don't think I've ever done. I sat in an emergency room for hours to get an x-ray done.
And now, it's late and I'm tired and I have a headache and I still can't stop crying. And I know nothing more than when I started all this mess this morning. No answers, no explanations for the pain, no help in sight. Just more waiting.

My mom said that it's ok to grieve my pain. That it's not complaining and it's not feeling sorry for myself. That it's ok to grieve what I've lost and how my life's changed because of it.

I've been dealing with this pain in some form or another for almost 13 years. 13 years.

I think I'm grieving all 13 years in one day. Leave it to me to try and over-achieve at even this.

It's getting to me. I have tried so desperately hard to be a good sport about this situaiton. I have tried to be patient and understanding and tough. But I can't do it anymore. It's been so bad the last couple of weeks. And I don't know why. If I knew why, then maybe I could deal with it better. I just want to know how to make it stop.

I'm sorry for whining.

June 23, 2005


I know, I know. It's been so long...and yet, you people still check here on a regular basis to see if I've written anything. I feel guilty for not writing, yet, I never seem to have the time to write.
Fact is...I do have time to write, I get breaks and I have a day off each week, but the inspiration has been thus far lacking a great deal.
Processing leaving Guate was and is a weird thing to do. Added to the fact that I seem to work all the time and have taken on 10 college age people whom I have to mentor/be in charge of...and well, my mental capacity has just not been enough to sort through all that yet.
But I'm trying to work on it. I won't promise a post any time this weekend, cause I work hardest Wednesday-Sunday, but maybe on Monday (my day off)....just maybe I will force myself to sit down and process. I know I need to do it and I know you are just dying to read about it. :)

June 16, 2005


I've been back in the States for 36 days now. It has been the fastest 36 days of my life. It still feels like I just stepped off that plane in Nashville last night. Life has been going at this insane warped speed for the last couple of weeks and I feel like all I've been able to do is just hold on while it flies by. This