September 8, 2004

Emotions

I am drift in this sea of emotions. All weekend, I felt detached and removed. I often have to take days or even weeks to really understand why my internal drama queen is all in a snitch. It has only begun to be realized. For the past 3 weeks, or maybe even the last 4 months, I have been in a funk. I haven't totally felt secure and grounded in myself in what feels like forever.

Today, I returned home from a 3 day trip to Kentucky, where I went to get together with all my college friends. They mostly live within an hour or two of each other, so we picked a city and we all met there. I knew I only had a few more weeks until I was leaving for Guatemala, so the 3 day weekend was going to be the best chance to see them all one more time before I left. It was really good to see them all.

But, at the same time, it was really depressing for me to be there. They are all dealing with the same things as me, for the most part. The growing pains have hit most of them just as hard as they hit me. They are still adjusting to having jobs and going to bed early. They are dealing with new roommates and having live-in boyfriends and parents who still think they are teenagers. They are still struggling with going for a job that pays the bills or finding a job that will make it a career. They are adjusting to life away from the group. Some are even back in school or headed that way within in months.

But, they are mostly a grounded group of girls. They have made decisions and settled down, at least for now. They have year-long leases on apartments and houses, and relationships that keep them tethered to the earth. And me...I just feel so unsettled. My emotions, my job, my living arrangments...even my address for next month is a mystery.

It's stupid to feel like I am the victim and that I need to be feeling sorry for myself. I am getting this AMAZING opportunity to go and do something I really, really want to do. But I think I have figured out that there is a part of me that mourns my wanderlust. There is a part of me that I like to repress right now, a part that says, "man, I sure wish I was back in school." Or "Wow, other people are getting their masters while you are off wandering around. Don't you feel like a loser or that you are getting behind?" Or "Man, I sure am lonely. I wish I had a friend who'd wander with me." I feel like I am being immature because I have given in to this desire.

But it is absolutely ridiculous to feel these things. I really do believe that God has given me this open window to fly through...there is no way this could have come together without it coming from God's hand. I trust that I am making the right decision and that it will be a life changing year for me. I want to go.



And I want to stay. I want a cute apartment and I want friends from work. I want to be home for Thanksgiving and live close to my adorable nephew. I want my best friend to not freak out because I'm leaving the country, and I want to not be scared she won't still be my best friend when I get back. I want to feel sucessful and accomplished. I want to be independent from my parents and their money. I want to grow up and not be so damn selfish/stupid/whiney/ungrateful.

This is my life. I make my choices and I get to decide if I want to acknowledge God and follow his will. I am responsible for my decisions. And I am grateful and overwhelmed by God's love and grace.

Amen.

Me.

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