These days, when I think about what is coming in May, I get anxious. This semester will end in less than a month. All these papers and projects will get completed and turned in. Finals will be taken. I'll pack up and go home. My surgery and Christmas and Lorelle's visit will all fly by. And then, I will return here for the last time. Next semester is going to be the easiest semester of my life and it scares me to death. Because come May 8th, when I walk away from graduation, I have no clue what will be waiting for me. On the surface, I have my life mapped out and should be able to just step right into it. But I'm scared. Honestly scared to take that step.
I know that God wants me to work with teenagers. I am never more happy, at peace, challenged, excited, and invigorated as I am when I am working with them. All those months of camp and retreats, even though they are the most exhausting, emotionally and physically draining times of my life...I love them. But camps only last for so long, and it's pure torture to allow those kids to leave after only a week with them. There were so many this summer that I just wanted to become a permanent part of their lives...just to give them someone to hold on to and to trust. I want a youth group. But at the same time, I am totally freaked out by the commitment taking on a youth group means. And I have no real experience leading a youth group. It's a different ballgame from camping. The average youth minister these days stays in a church for 16 months before leaving. That is not nearly long enough. If I am going to do something, I want to stay long enough to do it right. Which is a time commitment that makes me feel trapped and anxious. And it leads to my biggest problem...
...This wanderlust I seem to have accumulated over the past couple of years. Have you ever had a Crybaby? You know, those gumballs that are super sour? They were around when we were kids. They are so powerfully sour that to this day when I think about one, it makes my tongue hurt and salivate. You know that feeling? How your body reacts to something just by seeing it? Well, when I think about living in a different country, when I see movies set in London (like Love Actually), when I read weblogs of people who travel all over Central and South America...my brain starts to salivate like I ate a mental Crybaby. That as close as I can get to describing this deep yearning I have to do these things, to experience them. It just deepens the more places I go, the more I read, the more I hear.
I just have to figure out how to get these two parts of my life together. Seems simple enough, eh? I am learning to trust God in a way that I've had to before. I like being in control, and that makes this kind of thing very hard and scary. I am not in control and I need to learn to be ok with that. To be more than ok...to be thankful. It brings me great comfort to know that I am not in control....in abstract. But when it comes into the harsh light of day that I really am barely in control of anything, let alone my future...I'm not completely comfortable with that.