October 26, 2003

Tonight, when I was driving back to my apartment, I came through campus down the main drive. Coming into campus on Giddings at night is one of my favorite views of campus. The circle is lit up and all the buildings look so impressive as the big white columns come into view as you enter campus. As I was driving in tonight, though, I realized that after being here for 3 years, I have been totally indoctrinated to think Georgetown is the most amazing college ever. But it's not. If I were to go to the other side of the country, no one would know that Georgetown College even existed. They would think I went to school in D.C.

Don't get me wrong, I love it here. I am so thankful that I will have gotten to spend 4 years here. I was and am happy with my college choice. But it is totally random that I am here. I didn't know anyone who went here. I don't even know anyone who went to school anywhere near here. And yet, when it came down to decision time, God opened all the doors for me to be here. He provided the desire and the means for me to get here, from scholarships to an amazing group of friends that I've kept since my first week of college.

These days I am stressing about my future. It comes in spurts. This weekend, I was alone a lot without much to do. I spent a lot of time thinking about it, and it just overwhelmed me again. Tonight, though, as I was driving through campus, I realized how random it is that I am here. And I realized that the next place God leads me will probably be just as random, but probably just as well-suited. I can spend all the time in the world trying to figure out where I go next, I can stress and fret about it, but in the end...I will probably be totally wrong with all the scenarios I come up with so I shouldn't even spend all this time stressing over it. I just have to trust that when it comes down to the time when I need to know what comes next, God will let me know.

Even as well as I know that in theory, it's still a hard lesson to learn in practice.

October 25, 2003

I never write in here anymore. i know and I'm sorry. It just feels like I got so behind that I'll never be able to catch up again. No one really reads this anymore, and that's kinda the way I like it. I used to have an unpublished journal, but I've even stopped writing in there. I think I need to make more of an effort to write, because I think I do better if I write down these things, if I try to sort through them. My brain works better if i try to corral my thoughts into paragraphs and stories. I'll try.

October 4, 2003

So I guess the updated version means not so frequent writing. I finally managed to manipulate all my old archives and blogs so that they are once again private and hidden from search engines. I can write in peace again. No more names or people or places. I used to get excited when people I didn't know wandered over to my page...but maybe it's a sign of growing up, or maybe I just have too much to lose now...either way, I don't like people I don't know to read this.

Anyway...life is interesting these days. I alternate between being really upset about not knowing what is going on, to being in complete denial about the whole thing. Denial is my coping mechanism of choice.

~no time to finish this now