December 31, 2003

Boredom. I never really knew the meaning of the word until this holiday season. 1 knee-length, non-weight bearing cast + 2 Crutches + 3 pills that make me sleepy= boredom in a way you can't possibly conceive. Mom has done her best. The books worth reading have been read, the movies watched, the trips into town just to buy funky colored nail polish have been made...there just isn't much left to do now. And now, it's New Year's Eve, and I will be ringing in the new year on my couch, maybe with my older brother if he is still awake. woohoo. I sure know how to party. This is turning into a major pity party, so I'm gonna stop. Seriously, I don't need to be complaining. The pain is getting so much better and I am so much more mobile than I was a week ago, that I just need to be patient and quit whining.

2004. It's gonna be a big year. Just chock full of big things. College graduation. My first "real" job in the "real" world. Striking out for places unknown and landing who knows where. Yup. 2004 is going to be an adventure. It's certainly going to start off slow...but things are going to start picking up and before you know it...it'll be Dec. 31, 2004 and I'll be sitting here trying to figure out how in the world it went by so fast.

My resolution this year was to have no regrets. I can't say that I have fulfilled my resolution, but I have to say that there are a lot of things I could be regreting tonight, but I'm not because I tried to live up to having no regrets for a year. There will always be things we regret. I don't think you can live a life without them. We don't always know what we are going to regret. Things I didn't think were a big deal turned out to be big, and things I thought were huge ended up being nothing. I'm not going to list my regrets for the year, like I initially thought I would. But I see now that those things that happened this year that I've attached my regret to, they aren't over. There is always tomorrow and always more opportunities. And God has given me another day to live, and perhaps in that day, I will be able to fix those regrets, or maybe enough time will pass so that those regrets fade and I can just credit them as part of the lesson of life. I am not promised tomorrow or even the next second, so I will continue to try and live without regrets, but I am not going to let the regrets live my life for me. Some things are just beyond your control.

I haven't decided on my resolution for 2004...but I think it will probably have to be about living life as much as I can and enjoying the adventure that it is. I'll let you know.

Until then...Happy New Year. May God bless you and yours.

December 14, 2003

I can't believe this snow. I can't believe that there is no one here who will go play in it with me. I love snow. I stood at the door of our apartment for like 30 minutes last night just watching it. I bet there was an amazing snowball fight happening in the quad, but the only excitement over here was people doing donuts in the parking lot.

There is something about snow that makes it the ultimate romantic backdrop for me. So, of course, given my eternal single-ness, it's somewhat depressing when it snows this beautifully. I'm gonna have to live up north at some point in my life just so that I can have one winter where I get to really experience snow. Maybe I will get tired of it and un-romanticize it.

For now, it provides a distracting backdrop while I am trying to be productive and write a paper. I am so glad this semester is almost over with. I am ready to go home.

November 24, 2003

November 23, 2003

These days, when I think about what is coming in May, I get anxious. This semester will end in less than a month. All these papers and projects will get completed and turned in. Finals will be taken. I'll pack up and go home. My surgery and Christmas and Lorelle's visit will all fly by. And then, I will return here for the last time. Next semester is going to be the easiest semester of my life and it scares me to death. Because come May 8th, when I walk away from graduation, I have no clue what will be waiting for me. On the surface, I have my life mapped out and should be able to just step right into it. But I'm scared. Honestly scared to take that step.



I know that God wants me to work with teenagers. I am never more happy, at peace, challenged, excited, and invigorated as I am when I am working with them. All those months of camp and retreats, even though they are the most exhausting, emotionally and physically draining times of my life...I love them. But camps only last for so long, and it's pure torture to allow those kids to leave after only a week with them. There were so many this summer that I just wanted to become a permanent part of their lives...just to give them someone to hold on to and to trust. I want a youth group. But at the same time, I am totally freaked out by the commitment taking on a youth group means. And I have no real experience leading a youth group. It's a different ballgame from camping. The average youth minister these days stays in a church for 16 months before leaving. That is not nearly long enough. If I am going to do something, I want to stay long enough to do it right. Which is a time commitment that makes me feel trapped and anxious. And it leads to my biggest problem...



...This wanderlust I seem to have accumulated over the past couple of years. Have you ever had a Crybaby? You know, those gumballs that are super sour? They were around when we were kids. They are so powerfully sour that to this day when I think about one, it makes my tongue hurt and salivate. You know that feeling? How your body reacts to something just by seeing it? Well, when I think about living in a different country, when I see movies set in London (like Love Actually), when I read weblogs of people who travel all over Central and South America...my brain starts to salivate like I ate a mental Crybaby. That as close as I can get to describing this deep yearning I have to do these things, to experience them. It just deepens the more places I go, the more I read, the more I hear.



I just have to figure out how to get these two parts of my life together. Seems simple enough, eh? I am learning to trust God in a way that I've had to before. I like being in control, and that makes this kind of thing very hard and scary. I am not in control and I need to learn to be ok with that. To be more than ok...to be thankful. It brings me great comfort to know that I am not in control....in abstract. But when it comes into the harsh light of day that I really am barely in control of anything, let alone my future...I'm not completely comfortable with that.



November 17, 2003

Shhh! Don't tell anyone I'm listening to Christmas music already!




I know it's too early. It's not even Thanksgiving yet....but I just can't help myself. I love Christmas music. I am a sucker for all of it. From the amazing and varied instruments of Mannheim Steamroller, to Amy Grant's "I'll be Home for Christmas," to SheDaisy singing "Deck the Halls"...I love it. And I jumped the gun a little early this year. But it's ok. Having Christmas music isn't much of a vice. As long as I keep the volume on my computer down, my roommates will be none the wiser. Only one more week of listening to it in secret. I think I can make it.



October 26, 2003

Tonight, when I was driving back to my apartment, I came through campus down the main drive. Coming into campus on Giddings at night is one of my favorite views of campus. The circle is lit up and all the buildings look so impressive as the big white columns come into view as you enter campus. As I was driving in tonight, though, I realized that after being here for 3 years, I have been totally indoctrinated to think Georgetown is the most amazing college ever. But it's not. If I were to go to the other side of the country, no one would know that Georgetown College even existed. They would think I went to school in D.C.

Don't get me wrong, I love it here. I am so thankful that I will have gotten to spend 4 years here. I was and am happy with my college choice. But it is totally random that I am here. I didn't know anyone who went here. I don't even know anyone who went to school anywhere near here. And yet, when it came down to decision time, God opened all the doors for me to be here. He provided the desire and the means for me to get here, from scholarships to an amazing group of friends that I've kept since my first week of college.

These days I am stressing about my future. It comes in spurts. This weekend, I was alone a lot without much to do. I spent a lot of time thinking about it, and it just overwhelmed me again. Tonight, though, as I was driving through campus, I realized how random it is that I am here. And I realized that the next place God leads me will probably be just as random, but probably just as well-suited. I can spend all the time in the world trying to figure out where I go next, I can stress and fret about it, but in the end...I will probably be totally wrong with all the scenarios I come up with so I shouldn't even spend all this time stressing over it. I just have to trust that when it comes down to the time when I need to know what comes next, God will let me know.

Even as well as I know that in theory, it's still a hard lesson to learn in practice.

October 25, 2003

I never write in here anymore. i know and I'm sorry. It just feels like I got so behind that I'll never be able to catch up again. No one really reads this anymore, and that's kinda the way I like it. I used to have an unpublished journal, but I've even stopped writing in there. I think I need to make more of an effort to write, because I think I do better if I write down these things, if I try to sort through them. My brain works better if i try to corral my thoughts into paragraphs and stories. I'll try.

October 4, 2003

So I guess the updated version means not so frequent writing. I finally managed to manipulate all my old archives and blogs so that they are once again private and hidden from search engines. I can write in peace again. No more names or people or places. I used to get excited when people I didn't know wandered over to my page...but maybe it's a sign of growing up, or maybe I just have too much to lose now...either way, I don't like people I don't know to read this.

Anyway...life is interesting these days. I alternate between being really upset about not knowing what is going on, to being in complete denial about the whole thing. Denial is my coping mechanism of choice.



~no time to finish this now

September 3, 2003

So I've decided for many reasons to start over on this blogging thing. After this last summer, I don't really feel like myself anymore. It's like I'm not comfortable in my own skin anymore. I keep getting surprised by my reactions to things. I also decided that I don't want my old blogger to be out there anymore. It's still archived, but not being published here anymore. I almost scrapped the whole thing altogether and gave up on writing. But honestly, I just miss it too much. There have been multiple times in the past months that I wished I had sat down and written out my thoughts, but I was becoming very uncomfortable with my blog, and who was getting to read it and how all sorts of people were finding it with connections to my school, my home, and my church. I don't like the whole world reading about the person I used to be and the mistakes I made. They happened, yes. I won't deny it. But it's hard to get over them when they are still there for all the world to read.

So, I'm starting over. Welcome to the updated version of me. We'll see what that turns out to be.